Fallen fallen fell, not completely, but partially, off the band wagon. I'm not going to be coy about this at all. I found myself falling away from raw food as I grew more uncomfortable. I was hungry, I wanted salt, and I just wanted something with a tangy taste. I wanted, not even necessarily cooked food, I wanted salty food.
I've learned through my programs, we relapse in our minds before we physically relapse. Food has been an addiction my whole life. I feel like raw is finally bringing back to my roots. There's a strange satisfaction I get after I eat it and I don't feel like I have to eat more, I don't feel like I need a 'sweet' after eating dinner, or like I'm painfully full. There's this secretive addiction I get with food. Weird ED mind state echoes in my past.
My friend came into town this week, as I mentioned earlier, and I knew I just knew I was going to use this as an excuse to eat cooked food. I did. I decided to give cooked food a try and then look at that, it tore my body up! My bowels are anything but normal, woke up the next morning feeling like I drank alcohol all night, I felt like I was hungover. I was, from food.
I know this is a lifestyle. This is not a diet. Not even close. It feels different, eating like this. I don't feel it is about my weight any longer. It's about vitality and energy. It's about my mood stabilizing.
I also feel shame because I messed up. I feel like I've already failed. I see people on this forum and they jumped right in, but did they ever have bumps in the road? I don't read about them. Will I be shamed for posting this? It makes me fearful to even post this blog entry. I wonder if I'm the only one who has messed things up. I started so strong and now I feel like I threw it all away. I know being too hard on myself won't get me anywhere so I'm going to start back up again. I'm going to continue on the path I started no matter how many diversions seem to come up.
Here it goes....