This post was written on 22 April 2011. I had been feeling rubbish having tried to live as cheaply as possible, even to the detriment of my health. I thought I could get away with living on less than $2 before dinner - oatmeal for breakfast then baked beans on toast for lunch. It lasted on and off for a few months. My nails got really brittle and my hair was just so dull and limp no matter what I did. Henna only covered the problem for a little while. My skin felt gross - dry and flaky, and uneven and greasy in other spots. Plus I was heaps crabby which is no good when you have a two year old.
Anyway, I knew it was no good trying to save money by screwing up my health and happiness. So here is what I wrote in my journal back then.
The question is, how long do you try to fool yourself , when you know in your heart what the truth is? The Gospel is the pearl of great price. Is it the same for 811lfrv? I believe so, but how long before I make the change? To not change is to lie to myself and willingly choose average health over spectacular energy and health.
Why don't I change? Lacking bravery or discipline perhaps. Don't want to disturb calm waters. But I could be a better mother - calmer, focussed, energy to play with Jacob. I know that when I was lfrv for a week, was the best I had ever felt, physically. Life was simple. I could clearly feel happiness and joy. Something I struggle to actually feel currently - heart and head too clogged. Certainly a type of contentment but not blissful happiness. I know how to be able to feel these emotions, I just have to make this drastic change.
Perhaps there is fear holding me back. That is one emotion my current diet allows me to feel a lot of. Fear of failing, fear of disrupting family life, fear of conflict with Sam.
With discipline, and support from other frugivores, I can overcome cravings, I won't fail, rough times will pass and family (and Sam) will come to accept the change.
The good things in life aren't just handed to you, often you must endure hardships. But I truly believe this is worth it. If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.
Just looking further through my journal I found this, written on 7 June.
My hair is feeling and looking limp and sick! My fingernails are short and crumbling. I have very little energy and don't feel the joy in my day anymore. I'm not really motivated to leave the house or exercise much either.
Not enough water.
Not enough fruit and vegies.
Trying to save money by eating cereal, toast, baked beans or oats. Had scrambled eggs yesterday and was disgusted with myself. Jacob like it. That weirds me out. Need to pull my eating habits together for his sake. And mine.
I want healthy hair and nails, glowing skin, sparkling eyes, joyous life, energy, love, and positivity. I want to exercise, and I want to be motivated again! And think clearly.
Time to stop eating GLUE and start eating foods full of LIFE!
Stop sitting at the computer all day. Make Jacob's life fun again. I don't want him to remember me like this, or to think this is what life looks like.
Currently at 94.1kg. My arms are really flabby lately. The scales go down with lots of effort, but very quickly go back up. I'm tired of being so big. I could be a healthy weight, look good in clothes, and be happy in no time, rather than fat and unhappy on my current diet.
First is ridicule, then violent opposition, finally there comes acceptance. Be strong.
Also, I need to get healthy for our second child. I want to give him/her a good start and pass on healthy genes. And I can't have a baby til I lose weight.
Sam was rushed to hospital with extreme pain from a kidney stone yesterday. That would never have happened if we were fruit eaters!
How will I ever have the strength and confidence to build a house? Or the energy to grow a garden? If I continue on the sad path I can expect (or you could say I am choosing) cancer, diabetes, heart disease and more. Or, I could choose health, vitality and a vibrant life.
I am happy to say that I am now on day 6 of being 100% hcrv. Mono-ing on oranges, having banana-dateorade and the occasional green smoothie. I wish there were more fruits available but being winter there isn't much to choose from, and thanks to the cyclones in Queensland, bananas are hard to afford. But hey, I'm doing it, at perhaps the hardest time possible, so I'm heaps proud of myself.