30 Bananas a Day!

I have bombed big-time.

Lets look back shall we.. a couple of weeks ago I asked the question about "weight-loss plateaus whilst maintaining 100% lfrv" , as in the first two months I was super stoked to find that my weight had reduced by around 15kg. In the third month no weight shift downwards, a slight variance up.. but never going down past the the 2 month level.

Now this is hard not to focus on as I see my weight as my biggest disappointment, my biggest barrier, and biggest downfall. It is the main thing that needs to be rectified for my health both mental and physical. Being obese, it is hard not to think about it , I can understand those out there saying not to think about it, whilst being either at or very close to a healthy weight range, but when you are almost 50kg overweight, as I am, it seems like it is all that you think about. You think about it as you are preparing food eating food, buying food, you think about it when you are getting dressed and undressed seeing yourself in reflections, you think about it whilst watching fit people, kids and adults, play together whilst you found it so hard to get out of bed. You think about it when you see yourself in photos. You think of it when your last pair of pants has worn through and you need to buy new ones, and the thought of having to find and try on clothes that you know wont fit is terrifying.

It becomes you. I am, and have been referred to as 'the big girl' for a very long time. Whilst people don't seem to think that this in inappropriate, it is. You become the 'fat friend' or the 'fat bitch', you get lines like 'but you've got such a pretty face' , and ' your not fat your just big boned' HA!! Its insulting and it hurts, but you know you have done it to yourself, it is your own fault.. you are to blame.. so your biggest mistake is your biggest enemy and because you become it, you get used to being this person, the thought of ever being something different is miles away.

Now herein lies the fucked up part,. the massive weight of trying to reduce your massive weight seems like it is unachievable, so you try so very hard, you get some results and then it stops... you feel like a failure.. you feel like you are doing something wrong.. you feel crap and worthless and just as disgusting as before.. so why bother. You slip because your feelings of failure turn into misery. And your demons come to haunt you once again. You are alone with it. The only thing that seems to help your mental struggle is the mind numbing food addictions you have been trying to rid yourself of,.

And this last week is where i have been at... every second day I bomb out, I eat cooked, junk...... and No it isn't because I am not eating enough or drinking enough or sleeping enough.. and I am getting out there and doing exercise. It is because somewhere in my mind i think...

" i have caused this failure, I am the reason for my own disappointment and unhappiness, I do not deserve to be happy so why even try. If I can't even ignore the cravings I don't deserve the benefit of lfrv..."


it is as if i am at war with myself.. the 'me' that wants to be healthy and happy sits in a dark cell behind bars and cries out for all it wishes to become. whilst the 'other me' torments it, tells it that it will rot behind them bars, that it does not deserve to be free.. it gives me junk and blinds me from the healthful foods under my nose.. it ties my hands and controls me like a puppet... then when it is fed it sits back and listens to the trapped me cry in pain and helplessness..

It seems that every time I try to get ahead, my world comes crashing down around me... things go wrong, get broken, stolen, hopes dashed and dreams stomped on... support wanes, judgment comes swimming in, and I am angry, frustrated, pissed off, and the 'other me' rubs her horrible little hands together and cracks her knuckles in anticipation of beating the 'me' into submission once again, beating me for my upcoming failure..

I miss 'me' she has been gone far too long and I don't know how to get her back...



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Comment by Carl Andrews on February 16, 2010 at 10:24am
One 811 day at a time (diet, sleep, exercise, sun, emotion) with your eyes on the horizon...
Comment by Shannon on February 16, 2010 at 10:11am
Carrie, you are not afraid to post your feelings and the truth in a post and that takes a lot of strength. From what I've seen you post, you are quite a compassionate human being. Love yourself for who you are, just as we all love you. My best friend Micaela always tells me: Accept yourself as you're getting better. You'll get there eventually, you just have to accept the fact that it's going to take time and you might as well love yourself in the now, instead of waiting for a smaller version of yourself to love.
Comment by Hani on February 15, 2010 at 7:48am
Carrie-boo . Thanks for sharing your feelings with us. Here is my advice. The shortest way to over come any addiction is: Find an obssession in life. Find a higher purpose in life. Something that you would do and think about all the time.
Comment by Jolene on February 14, 2010 at 11:30pm
carrie you DO NOT suck!!! ive been there, being sucked into the situation where weight is my only concern. and its tough shaking off these thoughts because they've been dogging me since young... cant say i've entirely eliminated them, but im gradually learning to take control of my life. because everyone deserves to be happy, including you!!!
you totally deserve the best girl! being healthy and happy isn't going to be easy- it's not like we pop a pill and it happens... i realized that the failures i've had actually prepared me to deal with obstacles better because i learnt how to say, aha! it's you again!!! dont bother me, i know you only bring harm!
sometimes the learning process is long, and we tend to beat ourselves up but i think after mentally thrashing ourselves, the most important thing is getting our game back on and thinking, okay this screwed me up for now, but im not gonna be screwed up forever. you'll get there i know!!! you're doing great! and just a couple of weeks ago, you were helping me out with my calorie fear! keep strong carrie!!! you'll always have my support:) xoxo
Comment by Rawfruitygoddess on February 14, 2010 at 8:37pm
'Me' is right with you,right at your very core,you need to lovingly embrace her and bring your inner Me to the surface.treat her kindly,love yourself no matter where you are on your journey,you are perfect right now.

there in lies your choice,to love yourself and expect nothing but the best for you,or settling for second best,and dwelling in what you see as your failings.sometimes when that is what we are use to,its like wearing a comfy old jumper,even if it is filled with a bunch of holes,its familiar even if you are quietly ashamed of it.When we try something new on for size,it takes time to get use to the 'fit and the look',you know it suits you,but maybe you are quite sure if its for you,cos you know its going to take hard work and dedication.
Its a matter of,how much do you want this?do you believe you deserve the very best in life,to look amazing,healthy and fit?
thats for you to answer to yourself,not necessarily to any of us here.

I use to be the big girl,i was overweight from around age 10,right thru school,i was teased,left out,sad and lonely,i know what its like.illness and eating disorders saw my weight sea saw and my health decline rapidly,but i made it,and so can you.I believe in you,do you,believe in you?
xx

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