I have bombed big-time.
Lets look back shall we.. a couple of weeks ago I asked the question about "weight-loss plateaus whilst maintaining 100% lfrv" , as in the first two months I was super stoked to find that my weight had reduced by around 15kg. In the third month no weight shift downwards, a slight variance up.. but never going down past the the 2 month level.
Now this is hard not to focus on as I see my weight as my biggest disappointment, my biggest barrier, and biggest downfall. It is the main thing that needs to be rectified for my health both mental and physical. Being obese, it is hard not to think about it , I can understand those out there saying not to think about it, whilst being either at or very close to a healthy weight range, but when you are almost 50kg overweight, as I am, it seems like it is all that you think about. You think about it as you are preparing food eating food, buying food, you think about it when you are getting dressed and undressed seeing yourself in reflections, you think about it whilst watching fit people, kids and adults, play together whilst you found it so hard to get out of bed. You think about it when you see yourself in photos. You think of it when your last pair of pants has worn through and you need to buy new ones, and the thought of having to find and try on clothes that you know wont fit is terrifying.
It becomes you. I am, and have been referred to as 'the big girl' for a very long time. Whilst people don't seem to think that this in inappropriate, it is. You become the 'fat friend' or the 'fat bitch', you get lines like 'but you've got such a pretty face' , and ' your not fat your just big boned' HA!! Its insulting and it hurts, but you know you have done it to yourself, it is your own fault.. you are to blame.. so your biggest mistake is your biggest enemy and because you become it, you get used to being this person, the thought of ever being something different is miles away.
Now herein lies the fucked up part,. the massive weight of trying to reduce your massive weight seems like it is unachievable, so you try so very hard, you get some results and then it stops... you feel like a failure.. you feel like you are doing something wrong.. you feel crap and worthless and just as disgusting as before.. so why bother. You slip because your feelings of failure turn into misery. And your demons come to haunt you once again. You are alone with it. The only thing that seems to help your mental struggle is the mind numbing food addictions you have been trying to rid yourself of,.
And this last week is where i have been at... every second day I bomb out, I eat cooked, junk...... and No it isn't because I am not eating enough or drinking enough or sleeping enough.. and I am getting out there and doing exercise. It is because somewhere in my mind i think...
" i have caused this failure, I am the reason for my own disappointment and unhappiness, I do not deserve to be happy so why even try. If I can't even ignore the cravings I don't deserve the benefit of lfrv..."
it is as if i am at war with myself.. the 'me' that wants to be healthy and happy sits in a dark cell behind bars and cries out for all it wishes to become. whilst the 'other me' torments it, tells it that it will rot behind them bars, that it does not deserve to be free.. it gives me junk and blinds me from the healthful foods under my nose.. it ties my hands and controls me like a puppet... then when it is fed it sits back and listens to the trapped me cry in pain and helplessness..
It seems that every time I try to get ahead, my world comes crashing down around me... things go wrong, get broken, stolen, hopes dashed and dreams stomped on... support wanes, judgment comes swimming in, and I am angry, frustrated, pissed off, and the 'other me' rubs her horrible little hands together and cracks her knuckles in anticipation of beating the 'me' into submission once again, beating me for my upcoming failure..
I miss 'me' she has been gone far too long and I don't know how to get her back...