30 Bananas a Day!

I know that eating raw is difficult... because of my teeth, money, bordem with only bananas and smoothies, emotional instability, anxiety/insomonia and irritability, having to eat sooo many calories, and so frequently, etc...

Yes, staying on 811, especially during a more emotionally vuneralble time is incredibly hard. However, not doing raw, leaves me more troubled, especially in the long run. If I can find a way to get back on track, and push through the beginning weeks, I know I can start doing some real serious healing. I think most people would have just given up at this point (at least for a while), after trying for so long and repeatedly starting over.

I dream of the day when my hormones and neuros are in balance, and I no longer feel like an emotional basketcase.

Though, I'm not a total wreak now, because I have so many coping skills and try to address most negative thinking. However, I do know that it will be so much easier after long-term 811. Thats some serious motivation. Also, I want to be sick-free, and become a runner!

TODAY:


I know this morning, I needed to push myself to get out on a walk, and get out of my head... to create the momentum for the rest of the day. I didn't. And I have sort of been moping around my room, resting in bed, and lost in thoughts/old thinking patterns. Sometimes once that starts, its hard to snap out of it. You become in an almost trance-like state and just believe all these thoughts that come up. Then you have moments of awareness, when you step back and just listen, but that is often short-lived and you become lost again in the thoughts. I've had moments, like when taking a shower, when I felt seperate from the pain, from these beliefs... I don't feel like myself when I start doing this either... I know better than to truely believe this stream of thinking, but at times, you just feel attachted to it. Something happened to you in your past... and it triggers a conditioned reaction of fear. You become sweapt away in it.

I think my biggest trigger is being rejected, being left. I can handle being alone, but not if its the result of someone not wanting me. It triggers borderline symptoms. I panic and feel obsessive. I want to just learn to drop this when it happens. I've learned to drop so many other emotional reactions already.

Something that I didn't use during all this, that I HAD been using on other days and finding success with...
FEELING THE BODY! When I start to feel like the thoughts, feel like the pain body, I find it extremely helpful to get myself back into reality.

Breath
Feel my being-ness
Come back into the NOW
and into who I a really am,
not a mentally ill girl,
not a weakness,
but just the life
underneath all of it.
the only thing thats real.

Wow, the power of blogging. Seriously one of the best things I'm doing. I am feeling clearer and refocused. I won't spend the night feeling empty, restless and ashamed now. I will have a peace to enjoy some simple living. contentment, not joy, just contetment :D

Going to walk my dog, in the dark!


Thank you friends <3

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