30 Bananas a Day!

The positive changes I've made/making. Please share your's as well!

I'm currently watching the drug documentary "The Oxycontin Express" on Hulu. http://www.hulu.com/watch/100279/vanguard-the-oxycontin-express

Prior to watching this, I was sitting around, worrying about losing control over myself and being frustrated with my life. As I've mentioned before, I was diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder) at 17 while in a mental institute and have a history of substance abuse, attending 2 different rehab programs here in Iowa. Today I have almost 5 months sober. I NOW try to manage my symptoms and prevent the feeding of new ones through healthy coping skills and daily maintance with things like journaling, walking, books on tape, baths, calling someone, blogging and doing art. I no longer use drugs or alcohol, and I no longer run away (literally leave home to another state impulsively). I also no longer cut, or fixate on suicide. I would say, I have really turned my life around. But before watching this video, I wasn't thinking about that. I was thinking about what is wrong, or isn't going right. I was pointing out my mistakes and shortcomings.
After 5 minutes into it, I zoom out. I see the bigger picture. My life situation is quite wonderful. I am glad to be where I'm at, and pray (sort of speak) for those who are in the hell that is addiction. I don't condemn them, or feel better than... no, just lucky I'm not in that position and compassion for those who are.

There are more than a handful of us on 30 bananas that struggle with letting go of our past, and embracing our new path. It's difficult for me to not fear loss of control, when it has happened so many time in the past. It's amazing how easily we become conditioned. When I make a poor choice, in a moment of weakness (aka, eating beans and rice or avoiding job interviews) I fear that I AM weak, and I will really lose my new healthy habits/lifestyle and quickly become institutionalized, alcohol depended and suicidal again. This polarity in thinking is a common human problem, that borderlines experience to a stronger degree. I'm unsure why, but I've been getting lost in a forest of my thoughts this week. lost in this illusory world. this illusory sense of self.

I know that I can and do break from it, sometime multiple times a day. And each time I do, I grow, I become more aware. I am grateful that I understand why I am struggling... that I understand (mostly) what my brain/ego is doing, and that I can keep working through it, until eventually it is no longer there. I know that each day I am living more calmly and healthfully, I recondition my brain... each day, the fear/past are more faint.

I think I will re-read A New Earth, starting at the beginning, and also do some CBT workbook pages tonight.

If anyone has any insight, or tips on how to leave the mental image of yourself behind, or to just overall be less in one's head, please share! :D Please share your struggles and how you cope positively.

Also, PLEASE PRAISE YOURSELF! Tell me what you're doing well! I will say that I'm proud of everyone here, because you are taking responsibility for life! Even if you eat 25% fruit, or even one piece a day! We are already living more positively than many people and we need to give ourselves credit.

I am doing well with...
-eating eating the right amount
-picking up fruit after every slip up
-persistence and patience
-taking daily walks
-staying sober
-practicing loving unconditionally
-using resources for coping: books, CDs, music
-with eventually accepting what is (suffering/bad day/sickness), even if it takes a while

<3

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Comment by B on October 16, 2009 at 12:14pm
cbs: Glad to hear you are enjoying the bananas.

Ativan is a very nasty drug. Never taken it myself, but I'm helping my friend who's now eats raw kick it. What you experienced were the so called 'discontinuation' symptoms. Ativan is primarily an anti anxiety drug, it is also highly addictive. When you attempt to quit it, for as long as a few weeks it actually WORSENS the symptoms it is supposed to treat, hence you feeling more anxious and irritable. I'm happy that you no longer take that garbage. I agree, fire your therapist : )
Comment by cbs on October 16, 2009 at 11:47am
I'm curious, did you find you got worse getting off those drugs? I find when I took the ativan they tried to make me take, once it wore off I became extremely irritable and anxious. More so then if I never took it plus headaches and a hang-over. But I'm open to any input. One struggle I will have is that because of my lack of income, I might need to rely on some food assistance, which means canned food. :-( Talk about tasteless high salt mushy crummy cooked stuff!! But if this happens, lets hope next week is the last week it will. I think I can come up with more connections on 2nds for fruits/compost. I'm honestly beginning to love bananas and I used to not eat them at all!!

So you think 100% is ideal to jump into? I might try the 5-HTP. I'm already taking benedryl at night due to the allergies/insomnia. I'm so happy for this site as its about health, not just food. The simplistic approach also is relieving for my anxiety. Its rained 2 days in a row but I hope soon the sun comes out as all my problems go away that bit of time I'm on my skates. :-D
Comment by Sabrina on October 15, 2009 at 3:02am
Wow, coping drug-free is amazing! Thats a huge accomplishment! I also used to take xanax and antidepressants, but they ulitmately made things worth. I understand what you mean about cooked food sedating... especially having blood sugar issues. Do you have hypoglycemia or anything? i could tell you a couple things I take if my anxiety is REALLY high. Vitamin C pills. wow, these make a huge difference. Or ideally, increase vitamin C foods. Also, GABA and 5-HTP (the amino acids) helps me greatly. I know people on here will tell you to not take ANYTHING, but i believe its better to take these supplements temporarly, than rely on cooked food, or pharmacutcals. :D

Thats great that you're doing high raw, getting back out there on your skates, and taking care of yourself and animals! Sounds like you're doing your best and thats all we can ask out of ourselves.
Comment by cbs on October 14, 2009 at 12:05pm
I have anxiety disorder, mostly because I got seriously injured and lost my job over a year ago. And been struggling, especially financially. I have a case worker to help me now and trying to cope DRUG free (the therapist keeps telling me I need to take drugs (sedatives), the psychiatrist said today I do NOT need any drugs, YAY! I may fire the therapist lol.)

I'm finding transitioning to 811 is harder as cooked food is also a sedative for anxiety and also cheapier as I have anxiety on my loss of income. Even though my arm isnt healed fully, I'm back rollerskating the streets. I put a splint on and dont do any jumps/tricks or bomb down hills. So I find that is HUGELY stress/anxiety relieving! So not yet 100% in evenings but during the day I'm eating only fruit and including a head of romaine at night. I'm reading 80-10-10 and working on my financial situation. I make sure my animals have plenty of organic compost and are well loved. I'm trying to find an ortho dr. that takes state medical so I can find out when I can strength train and get back in my sports. I only take benedryl now for allergies/sleep. I hope to sleep on my own soon...... Trying to get more friends that believe in working towards health and living drug free! People here numb their problems with food, alcohol or drugs it seems. Trying to gain back some weight/muscle I've lost or at freaking least maintaining and not beating myself up for being seriously skinny now. I try to first think of nutrition first as eating crap makes me feel like crap. I miss being a strong skater, but know that to gain muscle takes time. So I'm trying........ Wish me luck, tomorrow is the day I fight the government so I have income.

So no strategies yet. I just set 2 goals a day to accomplish and leave it at that. Then I enjoy the outdoors and exercise/get fresh air.

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