I'm currently watching the drug documentary "The Oxycontin Express" on Hulu. http://www.hulu.com/watch/100279/vanguard-the-oxycontin-express
Prior to watching this, I was sitting around, worrying about losing control over myself and being frustrated with my life. As I've mentioned before, I was diagnosed with BPD (borderline personality disorder) at 17 while in a mental institute and have a history of substance abuse, attending 2 different rehab programs here in Iowa. Today I have almost 5 months sober. I NOW try to manage my symptoms and prevent the feeding of new ones through healthy coping skills and daily maintance with things like journaling, walking, books on tape, baths, calling someone, blogging and doing art. I no longer use drugs or alcohol, and I no longer run away (literally leave home to another state impulsively). I also no longer cut, or fixate on suicide. I would say, I have really turned my life around. But before watching this video, I wasn't thinking about that. I was thinking about what is wrong, or isn't going right. I was pointing out my mistakes and shortcomings.
After 5 minutes into it, I zoom out. I see the bigger picture. My life situation is quite wonderful. I am glad to be where I'm at, and pray (sort of speak) for those who are in the hell that is addiction. I don't condemn them, or feel better than... no, just lucky I'm not in that position and compassion for those who are.
There are more than a handful of us on 30 bananas that struggle with letting go of our past, and embracing our new path. It's difficult for me to not fear loss of control, when it has happened so many time in the past. It's amazing how easily we become conditioned. When I make a poor choice, in a moment of weakness (aka, eating beans and rice or avoiding job interviews) I fear that I AM weak, and I will really lose my new healthy habits/lifestyle and quickly become institutionalized, alcohol depended and suicidal again. This polarity in thinking is a common human problem, that borderlines experience to a stronger degree. I'm unsure why, but I've been getting lost in a forest of my thoughts this week. lost in this illusory world. this illusory sense of self.
I know that I can and do break from it, sometime multiple times a day. And each time I do, I grow, I become more aware. I am grateful that I understand why I am struggling... that I understand (mostly) what my brain/ego is doing, and that I can keep working through it, until eventually it is no longer there. I know that each day I am living more calmly and healthfully, I recondition my brain... each day, the fear/past are more faint.
I think I will re-read A New Earth, starting at the beginning, and also do some CBT workbook pages tonight.
If anyone has any insight, or tips on how to leave the mental image of yourself behind, or to just overall be less in one's head, please share! :D Please share your struggles and how you cope positively.
Also, PLEASE PRAISE YOURSELF! Tell me what you're doing well! I will say that I'm proud of everyone here, because you are taking responsibility for life! Even if you eat 25% fruit, or even one piece a day! We are already living more positively than many people and we need to give ourselves credit.
I am doing well with...
-eating eating the right amount
-picking up fruit after every slip up
-persistence and patience
-taking daily walks
-practicing loving unconditionally
-using resources for coping: books, CDs, music
-with eventually accepting what is (suffering/bad day/sickness), even if it takes a while