Before the big change that 811 brought about nearly four years ago I
was confused about everything, I used to partake in a lot ov drugs and
escapism and that prevented personal & emotional development and when
I finally put a stop to all the nonsense all the running away I had to
go through quite a painful metomorphosis..
.. if anything upset me, if anything was troubling or taxing, if i did
something wrong or regretted any actions I just escaped from it
one way or another and at the time I thought it was all fine and i
had "dealt" with it.. little did I know that when I cleaned up my habits
and when I stopped shifting my awareness away from the now
I would find that I had no way of dealing with my trials and tribulations..
.. I would now have to live my life head on and experience the
emotions as and when they happened.. I had never emotionally matured
and learned how to cope, and as it turned out I had never dealt with
any of my past problems.. everything I had stored came to the surface
and I was forced to accept many things I didn't realise were still
affecting my mind and my actions.. I had to forgive many people, I had
to forgive myself, I had to deal with so much stored energy,
energy that was twisting and distorting my vision, my perception of
myself and the world..
.. how can anyone know who they are through such "noise".. how can I
trust anything I ever did or thought back then.. all the things I held
dear to me, all the things I thought I wanted, the direction I was
heading, the person I thought I was.. I mistrust it all..
.. and so here I am starting right back at the beginning trying to
work out who I am and where I am going.. but this time with a clear
I know I want this feeling to continue.. the clarity the joy the
contentment I feel inside..
.. but we are programmed by society to need, to want and to desire,
but I wonder whether there is anything else that life can offer above
and beyond what I already have..?
It seems to me that wants & desires are all nonsense, all we are
entitled to in this world is to be the animal you are.. I don't need to
decide what I want, by relinquishing control and letting nature
express itself through me I have gained what was inherently mine, joy
and satisfaction and love for life and myself.
Am I missing something or is this what life is..?