***Warning - my thoughts and feelings, beliefs and general personality may offend some or all*** Please also note - that these are MY thoughts and feelings based on experiences i have encountered in my day to day life and through my internet interactions and are not meant to cause offense, i simply have no one to talk to .
I just wanted to put some of my thoughts down and send them off into cyberspace.
Why did I choose this lifestyle change?
To be truthful, to save my life. A self centered decision to optimize my own happiness by allowing myself to gain health and enter the world. Ok you can crucify me now.
But what about the animals? The earth? The human race?
Again in truth, I am a selfish being. I have a need to focus on me. The strength that I have wanes more often than not, my ability to focus is being challenged constantly, and the choice between me and everything else is important but obvious. It will be me.
Don't you even care?.... Ignorance is just as bad as the act!
Of course I care, and I am not ignorant of the nature of things. I am moved and saddened by the treatment of animals, I am concerned about the state of the earth and the human race. they however are not my motivators. If my actions to save myself aid their cause , i will think it good. BUT ... I work in an industry that uses animal products, I own a business that uses animal products - I love my job and what I do, my artistic expression is one of the only freedoms I possess outside of this slow sluggish lump of a body that I am trapped in. I could find a job that does not encourage this, however I own the business and it is my livelihood and it supports many others, to give it up would be to give up one of the only positive things I do have in my life.
How can you be that way , you seem not to care about anything - your opinions keep the vicious cycle going etc etc etc...
I do care about a lot of things, they may not however parallel the opinions of others. I care about beauty and intelligence, i care about truth, I care about expression, I care about laughter. I care about thought.
I care about love and loyalty. To those who do know me, they know that I am a true and honest friend. To those who love me, know me as the kindest person in their lives. But, to encounter people who are openly honest regardless of consequence are hard to find, so many people I have met are too scared of saying how they feel and in turn feel trapped and more unhappy as a result.
I care about my own existence. The fact that everyday of my life up until recently i was killing myself slowly, I was crying everyday, I pictured myself driving my car off the freeway into a light pole just to escape this horrid life I was leading. I yearned for happiness, excitement, a family, activities, love, laughter But saw a future that was being nothing but a black hole inside me. You'll excuse me for not being on the forefront of fight for the earth.
Do people get me?
Sometimes I seem to come across as arrogant, rude, harsh, hurtful Un-PC. My opinions find their way to the offense of others. But the truth is, when I am asked to offer my opinion on something, I refuse to sugarcoat the situation to save people from hearing it. I will say what I believe, and you may or may not get hurt, you may or may not like it and I may or may not care. I focus my attention on the way that I think and feel and on understanding the actions and motivators of others. I laugh at the things that people find offensive, for their irony not their meaning.
I believe that there is no such thing as a selfless act, altruism does not exist. We do things, take part in things, voice things, create things, help things.. simply because it makes us feel good/better/purposeful etc to do so. And I cannot stand up and say I'm vegan for the animals, I am vegan for the earth, I am vegan for the future... no... I am vegan for me. This is my last chance to save myself.
When I read something, I will read it for what it is and ponder the authors intention, their motivators, their meaning, and respond in a way that helps my own understanding. I believe that I have the right to express my opinion in the way that best suits. The way i know how.
I am confused by the sensitivities of others. We all seem to be trying ever so hard not to step on anyone's toes. We can't say this because it pigeon holes that, and you can't do that because it segregates this. Trying so hard in fact that our freedom to express our views is constantly being narrowed. Within the ideal of 'non-judgmental acceptance' the judgments are so harsh to those who express a more 'hard-nosed' view. What about these people that say 'IMO it shouldn't matter' 'IMO your focusing on the frame rather than the picture', these people get an artillery of freedom fighters, fighting for everyone elses right to opinion but theirs because they were harsh, too subjective , too this too that.. when really it was an expression of their own honesty. Life is too short to be concerned with the perceived meaning of others and the offense that it may cause. Expressions of honest belief should be a learning experience not a cause for alarm.
What do I want to achieve from being here?
Health and happiness first and foremost. Self love. I want to learn about nutrition and healing my body, and the joys that health can bring. I want to live.
Will my opinion ever change?
Maybe, perhaps when I love myself, I can begin to love others, when I have fixed me, I can fix my world. But until then, I will remain the same, trying to express myself, trying to heal. Trying to laugh at things for what they are. Being selfish i guess.
*** My apologies to anyone who actually sat through that - your retina must be burning by now. But thanks anyway, sometimes we need a friend to vent/express/rant to , and in the absence of a friend, a blog.***