I need to make a choice right now.
I can either
float through this stage and keep the pain at a distance
grasps the pain and create more
use it to find true peace and joy
I think we're conditioned to mourn a break up a certain way... in an unhealthy way often. I learned today that my boyfriend is actually completely my ex. I was confused and thought we were just taking a break from talking for a week. lol. silly me.
After I found this out, I started to shake and cry. (I tremble easily cause of health issues). Since then, my whole body has ached. I also took some GABA to calm/relax myself during the upset because it's better then going towards alcohol or fatty foods. I wonder if GABA blocks a neurotransmitter that eases physical pain... dopamine?
Anyway, I've mostly spent the afternoon painting patterns on bookmarks I'm making, while listening to Girls, and Cat Stevens.
He and I just chatted online for 2 hours as well, because I wanted to understand WHY more. He thinks we might get back together at least. But maybe I will have changed my mind by then :P
I was tempted to drink... but I won't. I have other things I can do to cope. Plus, alcohol would make me more ill than I already feel.
I think I will just actually move on from this.. and just let it all go. simply. Not complicate it. Not make it hard. It doesn't have to be hard. It can just be a thing, thats happening. I have so much more awareness at this point, I know a break up will not drive me to insane depression and suicidality again. I choose to not ever go back to that state. I may not be joyful and happy all the time, but I can keep PEACE. Peace is flowing through my body right now, and it feels light and cool.
Just give a few days for grieving... then drop it, rather than grieving and carrying around the pain. I will walk light in a few days.
Luckily this fatigue will help me to sleep well. I feel like sleeping soon. Maybe by 9pm.
Not fighting, or labeling. How could I label this negative anyway, if its a source for enlightenment?
I'm one step from misery, but I am also one step from serenity.
Thank you old boyfriend, you have just given me a truely priceless gift.
My other bookmark and 2 cards