*wow.* I published this idly thinking that October was just coming up, when I obviously meant November. Just goes to show how much brain fuzz I need to clear up.
November's the month. I'm not "determined" about this. Determination is something I've done, something that's failed me, and something that I'm willing to leave behind (as far as its self-driving, slogging, ungrateful aspects go, anyway). Still, November's the month. I simply know.
I have been learning about the raw vegan lifestyle for over five months now. I have grown ever more certain, through trials and tribulations, that RAW is the way for me - yet I have not fully embraced the lifestyle in my actions. I've let my disordered eating, and more recently my busy academic schedule, dictate my health for me. To a certain extent the latter is inevitable (at least if I want to stay in school, which I do). There will be at least some late nights, and I cannot afford all organic produce, and my home in Canada forbids me from getting arms-and-shoulders sun exposure 365 days/year. All this said, I could be doing a lot better than I am.
In the last couple of weeks – I can't describe exactly what it is, but my heart has deeply accepted what I need to do in terms of going "FullyRaw." I think it's that I've realized just how broad the reasons are for this ambition. Sure, weight loss would be swell! So would the clearing of my continual brainfog, the end of unhealthy cravings, gaining strength, sleeping better, running my first marathon, etc (all goals of mine). But my focus has shifted a bit, like a selfish barrier moving away, and I've envisioned how much better I could be for the people and the world I love.
Everyone struggles with the same things, really. We wonder if we're good enough; we fight between being our unique selves and "fitting in," that wonderful knowledge of acceptance that we don't always know how to find without compromising. I see these struggles as clearly in my family and friends as I do in myself. But I am embroiled in them because the fuel I give my body only allows me to "just get by" rather than thrive. I can't truly help myself, and I *definitely* can't help others. There are human and non-human animals alike who need the voices of loving, 'awake' people, and there is a world to experience and there's art and laughter and new ideas, and yes, there are battles - and the compassion that should win those battles.
I am trying to get through the self-that-is-not-me so I can see the truth, and look at everything that our beautiful world gives and asks of us. Maybe not for everyone, but for me, seeing that truth = being raw. Fully raw, fully awake, fully alive.