Today is one of those occasional days when I really get down on myself. They don't happen as often as they used to, but I guess that they're still here.
I've been trying to work on my mental health lately, since I had neglected it for so long. But I find myself pulled in opposite directions--between the ambitious, driven side and the side that encourages relaxation, rest, no stress. I call the former the lazy side. And I don't think that I like it. At all.
At times like this, I get this horrible, sickening feeling of guilt that's difficult to shake off. I haven't vigorously exercised now for three consecutive days--out of my own CHOICE. And it's spring break. I have no excuses. I used to exercise first thing in the morning, but now I down a twelve-banana smoothie first thing. I'm constantly eating and eating, and slacking on exercise. Today, I decided to try to run after dinner, but then found myself horribly full after stuffing myself so much and eating a whole avocado with my salad. I feel sick and gross now, and in such a poor mood that I'm passing up going to a 7:50pm movie with my family. I hope that I can exercise before bed. I'm really really itching to, but I have to wait for my food to digest and for my stomach to feel better.
During my eating disorder I was so strong-willed. I miss that. I'm not even as hard-working at school work now. I could have gotten so much done over spring break. But now it's over, and I'm rushing to get everything done. I'm such a procrastinator.
For so long I've battled with this control issue. Relaxing all the time does not make me happy. But I still get stressed when I take the time to exercise and do all of my school work, because I have so much less time. What can I do? I'm sure that there's a balance, but it's so hard to find. I think that I have it sometimes, but not days like this one.
I just have to take a deep breath. Tonight, while I'm home alone, I can get some homework done, and then run or do strength or whatever when I'm ready. It's going to be okay. I'll wake up happy tomorrow and start over.