Oh and I hate how you can't go a mile without seeing a fast food billboard, restaurant, hearing an ad on the radio, seeing billboard pictures, turning and seeing the driver in the car beside you eating a burger or drinking a cola. Having to drive out of my way to find shitty produce hidden in the back corner of a Publix and paying twice as much as my friend who went to taco bell. I HATE people thinking that I would magically feel better if I would eat SAD. I HATE HATE HATE all of the side effects from being sick!!!!! I HATE having to smile in the face of ignorance when people think I am choosing to FEEL this way. I HATE not being strong enough and not having enough will power. I HATE that everything we do as a culture is based around food. I HATE how alone I feel all of the time. I HATE HATE HATE the shitty year I've had -losing my dad, constantly being sick, feeling people constantly thinking I'm faking, having to ask for help and never getting it or feeling guilty for it. I HATE being single and wondering if I'll ever find love or happiness?
(so.........)Okay...it's been forever since I've blogged so let me catch you up on what's been going on. After falling off orange island I ended up eating some cooked food :( then got back on the raw path but substituting too many fats such as macadamias, olive oil (my nemesis), and eating way toooo many dates- like a kid in a candy shop, too many! Partly it was due to work stress 14days w/o a day off!!!
So last week I went on a mini vacay and decided to do a mini detox water fast during it, went to savannah and stayed in this crazy hostel downtown and then over to St. Mary's and hiking/camping on Cumberland Island where me and my friend unknowingly waded through alligator infested swamps and were almost attacked by wild boars and then hiked back a day early to the ferry 12miles in flip flops and shorts with crazy heavy packs in the rain. Needless to say it was a Trip- I ended my water fast with the most amazing apples ever, then nectarines and spinach for dinner. The next day started out w/mangos and then went downhill with nuts, dried fruits, my old nemesis olive oil, O and lets not forget about raw bars uuugh! So by dinner that night I was eating peanut butter! How did this happen??
Cooked food is like a drug-peanut butter is my gateway drug lol- after the peanut butter I ended up giving myself a cheat day(gah! WHY?) And went to my fav bakery in my hometown that I hadn't been to in over 5yrs(not an excuse I know!) And binged on NON-VEGAN sweets. Immediately I felt tired I slept for 5hrs straight, woke up around 8p and was up the entire night sick... It's gonna get GRAPHIC....
It was the sickest I've ever been so much diarrhea I thought I was going to get dehydrated and while that was going on I had a garbage can in front of me throwing up simultaneously, So whenever I'd finally get done I would try to gulp down some water, this happened about a dozen times into the night finally ending that morning! It felt like the worst food poisoning ever! So I vowed to never eat cooked again!
The whole day I tried to rehydrate and drink water and sleep/rest. By that night I added food back in with mango. Had trouble sleeping- whenever I only eat fruit it seems I have trouble sleeping at night even though I should've been exhausted after the prev. night. Then the next morning I started with mango. Snacked around lunchtime w/strawberries/bananas while my mom was fixing pork chops for herself and my grandma, then at lunch I had apples and ...Peanut Butter!!! WHY!!!??? It's very hard to stay lfrv at my grandmas smalltown Summerville, GA full of good ol southern comfort fried foods, yum!
By dinner I was eating a PB&J sandwich and then toast and oatmeal that night. And today chips and salsa followed by a vegan burrito. I just had two mangos tonight and they were amazing! after filling my body with cooked food full of salt today it was CRYING out for some fruit.
I've thought about it and it's not cooked that I'm craving- it's the salt and corn syrup in the cooked- because I can't think of anything cooked I would actually want salt free. Chips nope too bland, bread haha no way, pickles, olives, salsa, there is nothing that I would want if it wasn't for the salt or sweeteners added to it. I challenge someone to name something cooked that would be good salt/sweetener free. Can you???
I haven't thrown up the cooked vegan food, but my face and body immediately become bloated from the salt, my face gets very puffy especially my eyes and also I've noticed my face feels very funny immediately after eating cooked-tingly, weird and not in a good way. My face also is itchy and the next morning I'll wake up with very puffy eyes and it will be itchy around them(no redness). Cooked food immediately make me tired feeling as well. Nuts are just as bad as cooked so whenever I eat them its just like eating cooked and usually leads to it.
I'm trying to learn from these experiences and not repeat them -- I'm trying not to put so much blame on myself and to be open about these experiences on here. I'm not perfect -I'm not going to pretend to be by leaving out this part of the process. I'm fighting for my health and this has only made my resolve stronger to push through and put this behind me. So yea now I'm going to start detoxing again...Tommorrow- DAY 1