30 Bananas a Day!

Wow. What a 24 hour period.

This Monday would of been 6 months sober, but last night, I relapsed. It hit me, that my romantic relationship is actually over for good. I was terribly upset yesterday and thought "I just can't live with this." When I thought about "my life", which really means, "my life situation" it seemed so empty without him. Plus, I had already been choosing to find the negatives in my situation lately anyway... resentful the Winter weather, living with the parents, not working, all my free time, and the raw diet.

I woke up sick this morning, but grateful the whole thing happened. I drank, cried, and realized what I could go back to. Which is feeling sick all the time, stressed, depressed, furthering debt, destroying friendships, hurting my family and maybe even death. I knew it wasn't a path I wanted to go down, but in a moment of pain, I stopped caring. And, I didn't know how I would feel upon waking today... fearing I would be even more miserable and unable to cope.

I was a little anxious and unhappy this morning, of course, but was okay. I came to my senses, literally. I focused on my breathing. I stopped myself, when I started thinking about the night before, him, or tried to picture my next few months. I create my own reality... if I'm thinking negative thoughts, I will feel negative.

I listened to some Wayne Dryer and Tony Robbins, and felt re-impowered. Last night, I had mostly been fearing my ability to be happy, and thought I couldn't overcome this. But, I truely know that I hold the power. I will be happy no matter what my circumstances. I have regained that confidence and it's the most important thing to hold onto.

Plus, he is probably right, we're not a good match. I would of still loved to date for a while... and just see where it went, but you can't always get what you want. And maybe thats a sign that you shouldnt hold onto desires and believe you need to obtain them to be happy. It's a lesson I've been learning all year, "want what is." The more often things don't go as planned, the more I learn to surrender. :)

So, I'm having surprisingly decent day. Watching movies with glitter montages with my sister, the sun was out today, and I have a peace about me. Even deactivated my Facebook account, so I could spend less time online, and more time trying to enjoy people in person. :P

I know I will have hard days, but I will do my best to focus on the positive and truely I'll be an even better/happier person by the end of this. :D

1. Find the positive
2. Stay busy
3. Fill up your life with friends, family, hobbies, etc.
4. Enjoy the little things
5. Find evidence of your strength daily, always know your power

I am not ashamed or defeated by my frequent ups and downs, because I know that they are less extreme, and shorter in length. Every time I fall, I get back up... over and over again, and each time with a little more knowledge and refocus on my inner purpose, instead of outer.

Thanks for the support I recieve here. It honestly makes a difference <3

And thanks to Anthony Robbins and everyone else in the world and on here, that are wonderful role models. I see others succeed and I believe in human potential, and in my potiental.

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Comment by Marisa on December 2, 2009 at 2:17pm
Something that I heard recently "you don't smile because you're happy, you're happy because you smile."

I swear it works. :)


Also, something to hold you up...raw cured me of depression. I was in a horrible funk for almost an entire year, and had years and years of shorter depressive episodes. Several weeks after going raw the depression went away, and hasn't come back (even though I deviated from raw for awhile, the depression never got anywhere close to that bad again).
Comment by shelley belly on November 29, 2009 at 1:49pm
I stop drinking a few months ago and usually do not think much about it anymore; but there are times when the thought may come into my brain. i have to reconize the thought and change the way i am thinking. I know it is not a healthy decision and I want to live a clean and sober life. This is part of longevity and optimal health along with eating healthy and exersice. I wish you well on reconizing your feelings and remember your feelings are valid and since they are feelings they will pass good or bad! Relationship that deal with the heart are very diffacult and complexed and emotional. You deserve someone that loves you as much as you love them and that does not sound like your guy? I don't know I am guessing? I do wish you to be the best person you can be! I am also striving to be the best me that I can be. It feels much better then I felt a year or so ago. stay well peace:)
Comment by Shannon on November 29, 2009 at 12:22pm
Thanks for being so honest. I hope some good is coming your way!

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