falling in love with myself again. watching as the pieces of my puzzle are fitting miraculously back together again, without any special effort on my part - just observing and marveling at how incredible it all is. and really, how easy. it's so easy. trying to cheat the pieces into place, trying to analyze or make things happen - that's hard. it's so hard. but sitting back and observing, that's really really easy.
so i don't know what to do about my addictions. i don't know what to do about my goals, my ideals, my convictions, my integrity, my knowledge - all of these things run so deep, and yet that addiction still dances across the top of my life, defying all. it's like being possessed, and i don't say that to put the blame elsewhere, although it does feel very much like an external force is bringing it about. i don't like it. and i can feel my resistance to it. so what i've learned is that where i have resistance, i have to have attention - not a glaring, blaring, persistent attention, but rather the kind of attention you would give to a precious 3 year old who is trying to tell you something. if i ignore the child and just give in to its whining and nagging to make it be quiet, i'm only creating a monster that will continue to whine and nag in order to get its way. this is my addiction. but if i listen to the child and talk to it and find out what it really wants, then maybe it will be quiet and content?
so, little addiction, what are you trying to tell me?
i feel empty. god, i feel so empty. not bad, just like, floaty. weird. eating will make me feel full.
i'm bored. bananas and watermelon again? i want something different. but different costs too much money. how about something cheap and cooked? eating that will be entertaining.
i'm tired of being so poor. let's get a fun treat to make this financially difficult time more interesting.
i'm sad. i miss my bf and i want him to come home. if i eat some food he likes to eat with me, it will be almost sortof like he was here
if i can just have this one little tiny taste, i won't ever ever ever ever ask for it again adn tomorrow i'll be totally good, can i just have this bit now??? pleeeeeeeeezzze?
i'm not good enough right now. something has to make me feel better, or at least just feel less...
what if all this good stuff comes crashing down around me? i'm scared.
this isn't so bad, honestly! look how much better i am compared to everyone else out there in the world!
but gee, i'm so awful, i want to be as good as _____________, who i look up to and admire and want to emulate.
i want to be thin and strong and beautiful, but that's so much work, but i hate being "fat and ugly."
wow. really? is that all? is that all the mental stories i can come up with right now to explain why i'm craving and eating cooked foods? that's a helluva lot of weight to burden one behavior... and the truth is, i like all of these stories. they mean a lot to me. i believe them. i believe these little lies that tell me that if i just give them what they want, they will give me what i want. what i want, truly, is peace in the moment, without nagging, whining little stories telling me how great everything will be if i just do their bidding. i know i just need 3 days of absolute white-knuckle persistence, followed by 10 days of absolute white-knuckle steel will in which i will listen to the stories, but not give them what they want.