30 Bananas a Day!

day 25 - the unravelling continues...

hello again
its only 2pm, and i'll do an update later today, but i think it would really help me to write, so i'm going to :-)

after falling asleep last night, at some point my lovely came to bed, and woke me up (didn't mean to). i couldn't get back to sleep, and lay there for hours, with all the events of yesterday going round my head. and, surprise surprise, the overwhelming urge to stuff my face with food (to suppress all these really big scary emotions). this is a very common pattern for me, and one i'm really aware of... but when i'm in the moment suffering, well it is just overwhelming.

dawn happened, the birds started singing, and i couldn't cope any longer so i went to the kitchen and ate some home made humus, salad, oatcakes, and lentil bake. surprisingly, i couldn't finish the plate. it just didn't taste good, i was forcing it down. but yes, it did calm me somewhat. then i decided to go for a walk. it was about 5.30 am. i walked into the village, feeling pretty shitty and cross with myself and all the bubbling anger from yesterday. amazingly the local shop was open, and i bought 2 sandwiches (one cheese, one egg), and a bottle of apple juice. i managed to eat the cheese one, but one bite of the egg one was enough, nearly made me vomit, so i threw that one away and tried to wash the taste away with the apple juice. so even cooked food wasn't helping, just tasted like ash.

i walked back home the long way, and sat on a hill for a while just being with the dawn. my gut was starting to hurt with the food. and i could feel saliva and mucus. i walked back home and came to bed and slept.

now i've woken up again (2pm ish). my lovely has tried to be with me, and so has my eldest daughter, but i really can't do people at all. i haven't eaten anything since early this morning, just drinking water and feeling shitty from the cooked food. i'm still angry. i don't want to leave my room because i don't want to see this person who started it all off yesterday. i don't want to talk about anything! i think its positive that i'm writing this, as at least i've got some outlet. i'm hoping i'll go back to sleep soon.

i get my delivery of fruit this evening, and i ordered 3 days worth of oranges for monoing with, so i'm thinking of just staying on water til tomorrow morning, then monoing oranges. i don't know how to get back to talking and being with people. i don't know what to do with my levels of anger. expressing anger is really really scary. i could do myself or someone else a real injury. and from past experience, this type of episode feels like i'm burning pathways in my brain, doesn't feel healthy at all.

so... that's where i'm at. hopefully i'll update later
emx

UPDATE... 10pm

well i slept til after lunch time, and stayed on water til the evening when i felt some hunger and the beginnings of cooked cravings, so i ate 2 small melons, which tasted yummy. i'm hoping there's enough time between them and the cooked food at 5am so that my digestion is ok. not too much pain so far.
sleeping and water and resting were definitely the right things to do. this evening me and my lovely reconnected, he'd had a difficult day falling out with the same person as me yesterday, trying to talk things through and getting nowhere. he's pretty low and vulnerable because of another personal ongoing issue, so we are both in need of some healing and love and a quiet gentle space! just hoping that here can be that, otherwise we'll have to go away for a bit.
re my anger and cooked cravings, they both seem to have subsided somewhat, i want to do some deep work on my anger, writing down who i'm angry with and why, how the anger feels inside of me (like a dragon bursting out! or a volcano... pretty uncontrollable). where i think the roots of it lie. and ways of expressing it so that i don't get swamped like yesterday. ideally that's what i'll do tomorrow...
i also want to write to this person while thoughts are fresh in my head, of ways forward, and how i'm feeling, so that there's some communication.
so i'm feeling a little more positive, though still not left my room! and hoping that this cooked blip is just that. a blip.

on a more positive note, i've decided that i find it so useful to write this blog that i've set up a blog, at

www.catalystisraw.blogspot.com

but i'll keep posting here too :-)

hugs
cat xxx

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Comment by catalyst on June 19, 2009 at 6:23am
thanks for everyone's comments :-)
i have had anger issues since i was a little kid. its a no brainer, my dad was a violent alcoholic schizophrenic who beat my mum and brother and for some reason didn't include me. also took very little notice of me (very sexist too). so i grew up feeling like love was about being angry towards someone. i wanted him to hit me!
i tried so hard to be good, and never got his attention. i only got it when i rejected him at 15 and never wanted to see him again. then he was interested. as a kid, i totally suppressed my anger. as a late teen early 20s i had almost no feelings at all. i 'learnt' to feel anger in assertiveness classes, after i realised everyone else could! i have never resolved my relationship with anger. it usually comes out of the blue and completely inappropriate. i really want to heal this part of me, i want to get back to that little child who should have expressed anger and been heard that she was having to put up with a fucked up situation. i want to love that little girl, and allow her to reconnect with her power and release it.
phew. i'm working up to a long post on this (maybe on my new blog :-)). it is such a deep issue, and the time has come. raw food has released enough in me and i know it is time now.
and yes... i'm sure some battering of inanimate objects will occur :-))
we've got a punchbag somewhere, i'll dig it out
i could maybe draw my dad's face on it (or maybe that's going a bit far! he was abused too... and was only really a victim of what was dealt to him).
its good to laugh about these things!
hugs
emx
Comment by rebeccaj on June 18, 2009 at 12:20pm
One of my all-time favorite quotes, from Julia Cameron in the "Artist's Way:"

"Anger is your friend. Not a NICE friend. But a very, very LOYAL friend."

rather than stuffing or shaming or blaming the anger, listen to it. what is it telling you? and let yourself express it completely. often, when I'm really angry, I let myself express it as though I was a very small child, complete with the "no fairs!!!" and "I hate yous!!!" that child's play is full of. it's so authentic and wonderful.
Comment by Shell on June 18, 2009 at 12:01pm
Maybe you could find an outlet for your anger, such as a punching bag or something similar. I work with horses, and like all animals, they communicate physically when angered. I think we still have some of that in us. Obviously it's unacceptible to punch/bite/kick somebody when they anger you (in this society at least), but maybe venting the physical on inanimate objects would clear your mind to deal with it better on a mental/verbal level. Maybe even savagely bite a fruit or something ( I'm serious ). Just an Idea.

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