30 Bananas a Day!

today i ate: 2 mangoes, 2 smoothies, each of 5 apples, 2 nanas, and a handful of greens. 1400 cals

today started well. energy not too bad, managed to bounce on the trampoline and did a bit of club swinging (sorta juggling). pottered for a bit, then around lunchtime some of us living here had a chat about something we're planning. i thought it was about just that specific thing, which went ok, but then we moved on to another more thorny issue. i wasn't prepared for this. one person wouldn't let the issue drop, even when i begged him to, and said that this was really bad for my energy. so i ended up having to walk out of the conversation. i find this sort of situation very hard to handle at the best of times, but i was really trying to be conscious and say where my energy was at and what i could handle, and he was just ignoring it. so... after walking out, i went and sat and read in the sun in a quiet place for a few hours to try and calm down, and regroup my energy. for some reason this situation has really made me angry and brought alot of my anger to the surface (i know that i have deep anger issues, that i am slowly dealing with). i didn't want to be with people because my anger might bubble over and i didn't want to lash out at anyone for no reason, so isolating myself to calm down seemed to be the way.
my lovely was having a difficult day for his own reasons, and came and found me, wondering why i hadn't been around being supportive for him as i usually am. i told him what had happened. but this led to a rush of uncontrollable anger which just burst out of me. i wasn't hurtful to him, but just shouted and screamed and basically lost the plot for 10 mins or so. he has seen me like this before, something similar happened when i went raw last summer. i couldn't believe how angry i felt inside. i felt like i wanted to kill the other person, wanted to hurt myself, wanted to hit out and hurt anyone around me, wanted to stuff my face with crap food, like i didn't care about anyone i love. my lovely managed to get me into a safe space lying down, and as my feelings and crying subsided somewhat, he just held me and then gave me a massage.
then basically i fell asleep (about 8ish).
needless to say, food got a bit forgotten in the drama

continued tomorrow...

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