30 Bananas a Day!

today i ate: 1 pink grapefruit, 8 kiwi fruit, 2 mangoes, salad of 2 zucchini, 3 toms, half a bunch of celery, 1 nori sheet, 2 lemons, 2 apples, and later, 5 nanas. 2000 cals

i ran out of food today. just got a delivery, need to get better at ordering enough!
i've spent most of the day in bed again, low energy, my lovely has gone away for a couple of days, and my kids are off tomorrow for a couple of days, so i have some time to myself. not sure yet what i'm going to do with it! i'm feeling positive-ish, been watching inspirational videos on here and other sites, i really like vids of acrobatics/parkour/extreme yoga etc... in the past i've not wanted to watch as i would feel like i was missing sooo much with the CFS/ME thing, but... heck... they are wonderfully uplifting... and beautiful.

today i'm feeling a bit 'detoxy' as well. slight headache, runny nose, spacey feeling. when i was 100% raw last year, i had a really major emotional detox (like a mini breakdown really!!!). alot of stuff got cleared, aired, released, etc, but my lovely is a little apprehensive about it happening again (it was very harsh on him). he's in a difficult space at the moment for his own reasons, and i really don't want my detox to make things worse for him. so i'm going to try and be super aware of what is going on for me, and express things as and when they arise, in the gentlest way i can. writing things like this blog will be key, i feel. and maybe as i did so much emotional detox last year, it wont be too severe this year :-)

so... emotionally, i guess i feel... flat is the word that comes to mind. not particularly happy or sad. i feel that i'm not being the parent i want to be, especially for my 12 year old, at the moment, and haven't been for a while. she's hitting teenage angst and my 20 year old has pretty much become her parent, so i get a big break. but that's hard on both their relationship. and i guess she's missing the close contact with me, though she doesn't show that lol! there's such alot of disappointment to deal with, having CFS/ME long term. i've been ill since my youngest was 3. she has never known me as an energetic person. she has always been at least half time with her dad, if not more, and with other people as well (like my eldest). its a hard situation for any child to grow up in. but this is not a new feeling for me.

sometimes she seems 'flat' or 'vacant' too, and i think its because often her needs aren't put first. she's had to grow up in a situation where she has to 'fit in', to help out, to be independent and look after herself, before she's really capable of that. few opportunities to be 'the baby'. i guess its her coping mechanism to withdraw. none of us have perfect childhoods (well i don't know anyone who has!), and neither has she. but she does have loving people around her, a lot of freedom (she's home schooled), and some friends (though her best friend moved away recently which has been a big blow to her). she'll work it out. as a parent, especially one with health challenges, the most i hope for is to be good enough... gave up on being a perfect parent a long time ago... heck, what child wants a perfect parent anyway!!!

anyway :-)))
i'm looking forward to a couple of days headspace.

and lots of yummy yummy fruit!


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