I have been following this community, on YouTube at least, for a few months. I became vegan originally a couple of years ago, then relapsed to bulimia and went back to animal products. Last year I went vegan again, then same thing happened. Since March I have been back to veganism, even though I have relapsed back to bulimia a few times. I know this lifestyle will help me with my disorder. I know the problem is I am not eating enough when I am on the vegan lifestyle and I end up fucking up and going back to animal products. I don't want to do that this time. The first couple of times I went vegan it was more for weight. But this time is more about not just my health, but the animals. I don't want to let them down again. I don't want to end up contibuting again. So while I don't really want to recover for myself, I want to recover for them (if that makes sense). I want to recover for myself, but I guess myself isn't enough of a motivation, so at least I have something to work towards.
Lately has been a huge struggle. I lost my entire family. They didn't die or anything, which is good. But they disowned me because of something I told them that I had been hiding for years. I told my mom something and she spread it around to the rest of the family and no one wants anything to do with me. This has been one of the most painful things I have dealt with in a long time. My family has never been full of great people, they were pretty toxic and abusive, but I had hope. I wanted to have a relationship with them. I wanted to fix things. I wanted to be honest. It seems the more I did this, the less they wanted me. I didnt want a relationship with them if I had to lie to them or myself.
Of course I am better off without them. I can make my friends my family and get out in my vegan community in the area and make that my family, but it's the process of going through that. The depression has been bad lately, which brings down my self talk, which makes the disorder harder to fight. But I am want to get help. I want to get better. I don't want to be sad and pathetic anymore. I want to be a better, whole person with a full life.
I am hoping this community can help me with that.