I'm back from the 10 day silent retreat! I only lasted 4 days but I am damn proud of myself.. Just thought I needed to share about my experience as I would believe that considering we are all raw vegan we must be somewhat evolved and have a high level of awareness..
Anyway - It was the most terrifying experience of my life, the way that we live in our world today is full of distraction, we have many many ways of distracting ourselves from ourselves. Phones, Ipods, Tv, Computers, friends, boyfriends, family, drinking, smoking etc - we always have to be doing something or looking for someone to fill a void something to fill whats missing!
Going into what I call isolation - no talking, no eye contact with fellow students, no tv, no phones, no music - no physical interactions no NOTHING, 10 hours and 45minutes of mediation a day! I thought this was going to be easy - I do a lot of mediation and yoga and spend a fair bit of time on my own - only to realise when I was there I couldn't cope with being with my thoughts and myself as when I am at home I still had so many ways of distracting me from me... My past consists of sexual abuse, violence, my partents lived 22 years in an abusive and brutal relationship. I then continued to develop and eating disorder, take mass amounts of recreational drugs, drink to escape the pain of being with myself, smoke to distract me from me.
Over the 4 days of being there I have never felt such pain like I did - I cried for 4 days and started to feel very mentally unstable hence the reason why I left - I kind of wished I had stayed now, but I am happy with my choice... It was like all the years of trying to escape me came up to the surface.. When I got home - I found everyway to distract myself from me again, inviting people over and not wanting them to leave because I was terrified of what would happen if I had to be on my own..At the back of my mind I knew this wasn't right, I was trying to revert back to who I was before the 4 days and it felt very inconsistant with who I actually am... I tried my best to ignore but it just wasn't happening!
Today is the first full day of being "on my own" and I had a major breakthrough.. Although I did not last the 10ays at the retreat the 4 days that I was there has given me the ability to FINALLY be comfortable with who I am.. I am so present with my thoughts and my feelings and now have no objections to expressing myself what I thought to be such a traumatic experience has ended up to be one of the most enlightening experiences of my life - I have such clarity around who I am now... It's beautiful! I got that I was so afraid to let go of my past because I couldn't comprehend who I would be in the present - The old me was irresponsible, someone who dwelled on her life experiences, shared her stories like she was the victim to her own life and someone who couldn't keep her word.. Who I am now in the present moment is a girl who is responsible, committed, comfortable and has no issues with being vulnerable, smart loving and wise - I am a women not a girl who is not a victim to whatever her circumstances may be or have been and I can not lie anymore about the deeper truth of who I am....
I hope this makes sense.. It was terrifying but at the same time AMAZING!
Lots of Loveee!!