30 Bananas a Day!

10 Day silent retreat, lasted 4 days only but what an experience!!

Hey Guys,


I'm back from the 10 day silent retreat! I only lasted 4 days but I am damn proud of myself.. Just thought I needed to share about my experience as I would believe that considering we are all raw vegan we must be somewhat evolved and have a high level of awareness..

Anyway - It was the most terrifying experience of my life, the way that we live in our world today is full of distraction, we have many many ways of distracting ourselves from ourselves. Phones, Ipods, Tv, Computers, friends, boyfriends, family, drinking, smoking etc - we always have to be doing something or looking for someone to fill a void something to fill whats missing!

Going into what I call isolation - no talking, no eye contact with fellow students, no tv, no phones, no music - no physical interactions no NOTHING, 10 hours and 45minutes of mediation a day! I thought this was going to be easy - I do a lot of mediation and yoga and spend a fair bit of time on my own - only to realise when I was there I couldn't cope with being with my thoughts and myself as when I am at home I still had so many ways of distracting me from me... My past consists of sexual abuse, violence, my partents lived 22 years in an abusive and brutal relationship. I then continued to develop and eating disorder, take mass amounts of recreational drugs, drink to escape the pain of being with myself, smoke to distract me from me.

Over the 4 days of being there I have never felt such pain like I did - I cried for 4 days and started to feel very mentally unstable hence the reason why I left  - I kind of wished I had stayed now, but I am happy with my choice... It was like all the years of trying to escape me came up to the surface.. When I got home - I found everyway to distract myself from me again, inviting people over and not wanting them to leave because I was terrified of what would happen if I had to be on my own..At the back of my mind I knew this wasn't right, I was trying to revert back to who I was before the 4 days and it felt very inconsistant with who I actually am... I tried my best to ignore but it just wasn't happening!

Today is the first full day of being "on my own" and I had a major breakthrough.. Although I did not last the 10ays at the retreat the 4 days that I was there has given me the ability to FINALLY be comfortable with who I am.. I am so present with my thoughts and my feelings and now have no objections to expressing myself what I thought to be such a traumatic experience has ended up to be one of the most enlightening experiences of my life - I have such clarity around who I am now... It's beautiful! I got that I was so afraid to let go of my past because I couldn't comprehend who I would be in the present - The old me was irresponsible, someone who dwelled on her life experiences, shared her stories like she was the victim to her own life and someone who couldn't keep her word.. Who I am now in the present moment is a girl who is responsible, committed, comfortable and has no issues with being vulnerable, smart loving and wise - I am a women not a girl who is not a victim to whatever her circumstances may be or have been and I can not lie anymore about the deeper truth of who I am....

I hope this makes sense.. It was terrifying but at the same time AMAZING!


Lots of Loveee!!


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Comment by Brittany Baxter on September 13, 2011 at 11:02am

Hey Everyone -

Sorry I didn't reply yesterday!!

@Janne- It's something great to experience, even if you didn't last the full 10 days it doesn't really matter but totally worth giving it ago, you get an opportunity to acknowlegde the thoughts and feelings and then just lets them surface then they slowly go away.. I'm not going to say it's easy but it is worth it! Just make sure you are mentally healhty enough and physically your body can cope! 10 hours of sitting meditation can be quite a shock to your body!!

@Olivia - Thats awesome that you are going to do it!! I emailed them asking if they could provide raw food in which they failed to do, so I was a little annoyed about that! The food was strictly vegan/vego but mainly cooked food.. They did provide fruit there was a limit to how much a student could have though.. I did the best that I could with the fruit but at breakfast I had to have porridge!

@Ted - I don't think humans are designed to be on their own at the same time though - I think our ability to be with "ourselves" has been completely stripped away from us by us creating all that humans have like all materialistic type things. I also think we take interaction for granted we don't value our own alone time and we don't value time with family and friends.. It's almost become an expectation that people are going to be with you forever!

I felt so terrible because I finally understood how I could not be with myself - If I couldn't be with myself and be comfortable, how on earth have I been creating relationships and being fully present with another human? I wasn't and that was a scary thought! You can be around people, live with people, party with people, but you never really truely value that person untill they are taken away from you! It's like humans are together but so seperate and lack connection at the same time..

Yep, you could say it was like a well of clean water - I also got to see how much I took nature, my life and friends and family for granted never really appreciating them! It was quenching a thrist but a very different thirst I wanted to be together with people, but connected and present!


Comment by Ted Carr AKA Ted Carb on September 13, 2011 at 3:06am

Thanks for posting this Brittany :) it's very helpful to read others experiences with event such as this!


Do you think humyns were meant to live without distractions even in a natural setting?

Do you think we were created here on earth to live alone, without eye contact or interaction with one another?

Do you think that maybe the reason you felt so terrible at the time was because you were denying yourself from experiencing the "togetherness" that we experience when we make eye contact and speak with one another or even plant seeds or pick "weeds"?


My view is that when you got home it was like you had finally like gained access to a well of clean water! Once you invited a friend over, it was like getting a sips from that well of water, and you didn't want your friend to leave because you were finally quenching your thirst!


What do you think?

Comment by Olive Fruitvegan on September 13, 2011 at 2:40am
Brittany, thanks for sharing. i wanted to do a silent retreat in the future soon, and i was wondering how you did about food. You brought 10 days worth of fruit with you?
Comment by Janne Schaffer on September 12, 2011 at 9:42pm


sounds intense


I would love to do it myself but considering I almost avoid going to bed at night sometimes because of feeling uncomfy with undristracted thought im not sure I would be very successful. but more the reason to do it I guess.

Comment by Stephen James on September 12, 2011 at 8:27pm
Good for you Brittany :0) All the best moving forward :0)
Comment by Eli on September 12, 2011 at 4:43pm

Hello! :) I'm going to attend a vipisanna this Oct 26,



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