It’s been years since I’ve set foot in your medical practice; since the day you told your staff that you planned to kick me out after my baby’s one-year visit for a well check. Nearly four years have passed since you prepared them to say, “When you refuse to vaccinate your baby, it’s clear that you and your doctor have different goals for medical care.” Four years have gone since I walked to the checkout desk with an infant in my arms and hot tears streaming down my humiliated face when they said that to me.
I think of you often, but not because of the embarrassment and abandonment I felt that day; not because of the things I wish I’d said to you in the months that followed. Not because of the knot I get in my stomach from the very thought of my son’s two-month vaccination visit.
I think of you because I live every single day with the damage you inflicted on my innocent, vulnerable child. I hate you, but I know in my heart that you did not know better, because you are an ignorant pharmaceutical foot soldier. I’d like to think that I could forgive you one day, but it is hard to forgive someone who never showed any remorse.
You could stand to learn a thing or two from warrior mothers like myself. Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?
Do you remember the day my son was born and my husband and I talked to you about vaccines and autism? You stood in our hospital room, casually leaning on a countertop, and confidently declared that “those babies showed signs of autism from the very beginning.” How is that, exactly, doctor? How is it that a baby is injected with synthetic vitamin k, aluminum, and soybean or castor oil within minutes of taking its first breath, and you have the audacity to tell me what that baby was born like? How is it that between days 1 and 3 of life outside the womb, that baby is injected with yeast, soy, more aluminum, formaldehyde, and hepatitis b virus and you have the nerve stand in my hospital room and tell us what a baby was born like? Or are you claiming that you are diagnosing lack of eye contact, social delays, stimming, toe walking, and speech apraxia in the weeks before you shoot that baby up with more hepatitis b, polio, diphtheria, tetanus, pertussis, haemophilus influenza type b conjugate, pneumococcal conjugate, and rotavirus at two months old? Autistic babies are born that way? Where on God’s green Earth do you get off saying such a thing?
Skipping over the morning of my son’s two-month vaccinations, ignoring the total lack of explanation or informed consent, let’s jump to the phone call I placed to your office when the high-pitched screaming began. When you send a new mother home with a sheet of paper listing all of the red flags that should trigger a phone call to the baby’s doctor (hint: high-pitched screaming), do not instruct your staff to downplay the seriousness of a potentially deadly vaccine reaction. Your staff should have instructed me to head to the nearest emergency room for an EEG to document encephalitis instead of saying, “It’s just pain from the injection site, give your baby some of the Tylenol we sent him home with.”
High-pitched inconsolable screaming is listed on the parent take-home sheet because the CDC knows it is a hallmark of brain swelling, which is why encephalitis is listed on the VAERS Table of Reportable Events Following Vaccination.
Surely you aware of your obligation to file a report with the Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System when the telltale signs of encephalitis are brought to your attention? What were you trying to hide?
And while we’re on the subject of Tylenol, someone should tell you that few things would be worse to give a baby, especially a newly vaccinated one, than Tylenol. Acetaminophen crosses the blood brain barrier and depletes the brain of glutathione, the body’s most important antioxidant, triggering autism and damaging the liver. Glutathione depletion is why children end up hospitalized from Tylenol toxicity. That’s only been known for at least 30 years; perhaps you missed the memo.
Two months later I let you know that I wasn’t comfortable with vaccinating my son again before his first birthday and you said, “Yeah, I remember he was really wailing that day.” Let me take a moment here to tell you how condescending and offensive that was to me. My tiny 9 week old son was in the throes of brain swelling so painful that he could not stand to be touched. The experience was so horrific that he would lose consciousness for hours at a time. He wasn’t “really wailing,” doc. He was fighting for his life. The reason Sudden Infant Death Syndrome strikes at 2 months old is no mystery.
Immediately my son’s health went into a downward spiral, manifested by contact rashes to food, grass, soaps, and animals. A bite of banana at four months old caused a 10-day full body rash. At six months old his face was covered in eczema all of the time. He never had smooth baby skin after you had your way with him—he felt like sandpaper as his body fought to expel toxins by every means possible. At my insistence you ran a blood test for allergies and called to tell me that he was allergic to peanut “but it’s no big deal, just keep an eye on him if he accidentally eats any.”
Doc, that had to be the most dangerous piece of advice you ever gave to me. When a child with a peanut allergy accidentally ingests their allergen, he might have 45 minutes to live, tops. Your response should have included a prescription for an EpiPen, instructions on an emergency plan, and a referral to a doctor who actually knew what they were talking about. Your confidence amidst your incompetence could have cost my child his life.
Our well-child visits deteriorated into hostile, standoffish meetings where you made it clear that you were barely tolerating my non-vaccinating presence. When my son was 11 months old I confided that my sister and her entire family, despite being fully vaccinated, came down with pertussis. One would think that I’d told you they had the bubonic plague. You tried to vaccinate my child with the DTaP, as if it was a magical shield, and got angry at my refusal. You called in a prescription for prophylactic antibiotics and ordered me to administer them to my son. Then you called my phone, left a message, and e-mailed me to make sure I picked up the prescription. Under pressure from you, and a feeling of needing to acquiesce on something since I would not vaccinate, I gave my son antibiotics for absolutely no reason, wiping out his entire gut flora, putting him at risk for autism and even worse food allergies.
Between the autism lies, the vaccines, the Tylenol, your failure to intervene during the vaccine reaction, your failure to warn about peanut anaphylaxis, and forcing my child to take antibiotics for no reason, you are in multiple violations of your Hippocratic Oath to abstain from doing harm to my child. You caused 4 years of painful eczema and a dozen allergies in my boy, two of them life-threatening. You are truly unfit to be a practicing pediatrician and in my eyes. You should know better but you choose not to; it is not in your financial interest to do so.
Your nurse listened to my son’s screams on the phone that day nearly four years ago, and lied to me to keep me quiet, but I am quiet no more. Hundreds of thousands of people have read the story of what you did to my son, and hundreds of thousands more will read this letter to you.
The day that I returned to your office after my son’s first birthday, I had intended to make good on my promise to you to resume vaccinations. I authorized you to administer the Hib vaccine, in the irony of all ironies given its role in causing the peanut allergy epidemic. Then you tried to trick me into signing for Pentacel—the diphtheria, tetanus, pertussis, polio, and Hib all-in-one, as if a baby would ever be exposed to such a combination in nature. I stood up for my child while you yelled at me that you were his only advocate.
No, doctor, you are not my child’s only advocate. His only advocate got up and carried him out the door.
So here we are now, nearly four years and tens upon tens of thousands of dollars later. Three ambulance rides in anaphylaxis, multiple ER visits, an overnight in Children’s Hospital later. Two top allergists, a functional medicine doctor, and a Traditional Chinese Medicine practitioner later. The pain and expense you have cost my family would be impossible to calculate, doctor. I do not think of you because you humiliated me the day you kicked me out. I think of you because the fallout of your ignorance impacts my child’s well-being every day of his life.
Then, sometimes, I think of you in another light. If you were not such an egotistical bully, had you not tried to trick me into allowing Pentacel, had you not kicked me out of your practice in front of your entire staff, I would have let you go back to vaccinating my child and he may not even be alive today. He certainly would not be on the road to healing today. I would not have become the smart warrior mother that I am today, and I would not be standing up and sharing my story today. So thank you, doctor, for being exactly who you are. In the end, it was your ego that saved my child’s life.