30 Bananas a Day!

Hey guys. This discussion is going to be a big contrast from another one I started a few days ago...but I feel like I'm in very strong need of support. This is going to be a little long too, so...please bear with me ): 

So. I started the HCLF vegan lifestyle about two to three weeks ago, so I'm still a beginner. Prior to that, I had a vegan diet for about about a year (of course eating a lot more fat/protein and less fruit). I'm also eating in a raw till 4 manner because I still don't feel ready to go fully raw.

For the past year and a half, I've struggled with a number of things, including (but not limited to) disordered eating, low self-esteem, self-harm and depression - all stemming from the fact that after I put on weight in late 2012, I began to hate myself and my body. I wasn't able to accept it and in many ways, still haven't been. 

I quickly became obsessed with trying to get rid of the extra weight (about 20lbs). I tried to diet but I could never take them seriously. Instead I just switched dietary habits several times. This is what I mean by "disordered eating". I was never anorexic or bulimic, nor did I ever severely restrict my calories. 

Anyway. Since starting this lifestyle, I've certainly been feeling great physically. I have more energy, I don't feel constantly bloated and gassy like I used to, among other things. However...I've also put on quite a bit of weight. And. It isn't like I was skinny and needed to put weight on. Quite the contrary, if I put on another 7 or 8 pounds, I'll be overweight. 

This is just. So heartbreaking to me. This is the first time I've actually gained weight in a long, long time. It's so hard for me to deal with. Already it's making me feel like a failure, like I'm never going to be as thin and happy and confident as I was a year and a half ago, like I'm going to be fat forever and I just have to deal with it. 

I know that's selfish and I just have to patient but I don't know how much longer I can go on like this :( I hate seeing my thighs getting bigger, I hate my clothes not fitting, I hate all of it. Because of my past struggles, all of these things are so DIFFICULT for me. Ever since I started gaining weight on this lifestyle, I usually feel good and happy during the day, but at night my insecurity and self-hatred hits me hard. I cry, and cry, and feel like I have no one to turn to. I know that if I talk to anyone they'll say "well, look how much you've been eating. No wonder you're getting fat". 

I'm still just starting on this lifestyle and I'm already I'm starting to lose my faith. I don't know what to do. 

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Everyone that reads your post is going to feel for you esp if they are going through the same ordeal.  Also most of us are going to say be patient, etc etc.   Ask yourself what is the alternative?  What will you gain by quitting now?  You will go back to the restriction diets and you might lose the weight that you just gained but you know what this will do to your energy and health.  It is possible what is happening is that you lived a life or alot of restriction and your body is trying to recover from this past abuse.  The weight gain will level off eventually.  When that will be is the million dollar question but frustration and unrealistic expectations are huge reasons why people end up quitting diets.  Stay positive and realize that you are your own worst enemy right now.  We are all on your side so you are not alone!  

realize that you are your own worst enemy right now.  We are all on your side so you are not alone!  

That was seriously so comforting to read. Everything that you said makes so much sense. Deep inside I know all of it, but I guess my positivity is just clouded right now and I needed to hear it from someone else. Truly, thank you. It means a lot. 

Edit: I feel like I might screenshot your comment and save it so I can look at it whenever I feel down. 

+1 

i kind of feel the same way hating how body looks right now. ive tried so hard to lose weight over the years that seeing my waist getting bigger makes me want to cry. but as vincent said...."what is the alternative?" there is no alternative! if you go back to restricting your calories it will only be a matter of time before you put weight back on, like every other meat eating restricter who slowly puts weight on over the years.

you will get through this dear i promise! and you and i both will look freaking fabulous and feel fabulous.

but good things take time!

you are not a failure, you are a WINNER for being smart enough and strong enough to work so hard for your goals.

think of it as this....every pound you put on...is like a pound of healing :) its needed! every time i think of that it takes me from tears to almost happy about the weight.

stay strong fellow fruit bat! your on your way to health :)

Your situation is one that has been frequently discussed in this forum. You are coming from a background of going from one diet to another, the so called yo-yo dieting, where you lose weight and you gain it back in cycles. The discussions in this forum have pointed out that such jumping from dieting to gaining weight and back causes havoc with your metabolism. The recommended response is to stay calm, forget about your weight gain but stay in the raw till four program for long term results. Your metabolism needs time to stabilize. Jumping from feast to famine is causing your metabolism to  hold on to calories to brace itself for the famine part of the cycle. By eating nothing but nutritious foods in unlimited quantities, staying properly hydrated, and getting enough sleep, your metabolism will realize  that it can trust you and your weight will stabilize and take you to a natural healthy place. Freelee discusses these very things and more in her suite of 30 videos in 30 days "Everything you want to know about Raw Till 4." 

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