I am trying so hard to recover completely from my restrictive eating disorder, but my mom is majorly antagonizing all of my efforts and making me want to relapse so bad, that I could live off coffee for a week if I let myself, since my eating disorder killed my hunger anyway. But I don't want to do that anymore. I had been starving myself for half a year, and what really scared me into seeking recovery for real was when I was trying to ride my bike on a short ride, and when I came home, I was completely out of breath to the point where I couldn't speak, and my heart felt faint. I don't want to hurt myself anymore. I want to live the adventurous life of my many years' worth of daydreams.
But my mom will not let me eat without harassment.
I am a type 1 diabetic, and I had seen three dieticians/nutritionists who all advised no more than 225g carbs per day, 1800 calories max, relatively high protein, and moderate fat. So that became engrained in my mother's brain. She will not let go of this idea that I need to eat protein with EVERYTHING. Example: Today I bought myself a little container of sliced mangoes for lunch (because I'm trying to eat regularly in recovery) and she goes "Does that have protein in it? Cause you know what the dietician said. You have to have protein with all your meals and snacks". Then, I decided to buy 3 bunches of bananas for the week, and in the store she said "Why are you getting so many bananas?"
"Because I want them."
Then later, her friend stopped over for coffee and cookies. Not just any cookies. Macadamia nut cookies. Made from prepackaged dough. They each ate at least five cookies, and as they were, they started talking about how many bananas I bought, as they were sitting on the counter in the fruit bowl.
Mom: I told her that's too many bananas for the week.
Mom's friend: You've got to be careful with those. They've got a lot of sugar. You should only have one a day. I'm on weight watchers (so I know)
(Mom's friend is visibly overweight)
Then later, mom goes "Remember what the dietician said. You can't have as many apples and bananas"
WHAT THE FREAKING FROOOOOT
!!!WHY!!! IS SHE POLICING MY FOOD WHEN SHE IS STUFFING HER FACE WITH MACADAMIA COOKIES?!
I can't eat ANYTHING without her having a problem with it!!!!!!
GOD, she makes me want to relapse SO FREAKING BAD. The only thing that's stopping me from going back to starving the hell out of myself is the thought "Why would I hurt myself SO bad for someone I don't even like, and while I have done nothing wrong?"
I don't want to hurt myself, ESPECIALLY not for her, but living under her roof is KILLING ME.
When I get fat because of recovery, she is going to let me know it. Oh, I will never hear the end of it. How I should eat less apples and bananas and eat more protein and less calories and more exercising on the elliptical and oh I should listen to the dietician, oh if only you would eat cheese and fish, blah blah blah
I AM SO TIRED OF THIS GARBAGE!!
"GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH"
end of rant.
She doesn't know about my eating disorder, but if she did, she'd control my life even more by completely taking over my food and throwing me back to that horrible therapist she didn't let me leave.
I'm in college til August, which is when I finally get my associate's degree, but I'm trying to find somewhere else to live until I get it. I definitely definitely definitely like that last idea of traveling the country. That's been in my daydreams for at least four years now.
When I'm out of here and actually able to act on this lifestyle, I will absolutely keep everyone updated on my progress. But I will tell you, in the beginning when she was somehow allowing me to eat lots of apples and bananas every week, I was having lows all the time because I was so sensitive to insulin. My ratio was 1:20 and I took 11 units of lantus each night. Now my ratio is 1: 16, and I have to take 12-14 units of lantus each night and I have mysterious random spikes to 200 around 8am every morning.
That's exactly what I tell her all the time. That there is protein in everything, but if it didn't come from the nutritionists' mouths, she won't hear it. You're absolutely right when you say she trusts the pros more than she trusts me, and we've gone through 3 dieticians (not because of my ED, but because of my diabetes) and the last one measured the circumference of my waist, arms, legs, neck, etc as I was crying. I had asked her if we could find a vegan dietician, but she thinks 3 dieticians have been enough already, so that's a dead end. As far as she's concerned, I don't need it. Plus, they'd have to be covered by our insurance. And unfortunately, my mom is the kind of person who wouldn't bend over backwards to give me the BEST diet, if the current one "works" and is cheaper. Like I said, I only get $30 per week on groceries. $30 for EVERYTHING I eat. If my $30 didn't pay for it, I'm not allowed to eat it. Even if it's vegetables.
Thank you for your additional input on how to better communicate. I will try to implement that. What if she persists in her delusional beliefs despite all of my evidence, though? I once showed her a whole day's plan on cronometer that covered 96% of my nutritional requirements without even a supplement, and she said no just because she "didn't think it was safe". I think she tends to act on emotions rather than logic because years ago, I even talked to my family doctor about going raw and explained where all my nutrients would come from and she okay'd it, but my mom didn't like the expense. Now it's all just worse because I'm diabetic.
Vincenzi, I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. Have you considered using the Physicians' Committee for Responsible Medicine as your source? Dr Barnard is a doctor AND a nutritionist, and he recommends a low fat vegan (cooked and raw) diet for all humans no matter what.
His starter kit for vegetarians is really helpful for people new and learning about plant-based lifestyles.
Any of his books would be really helpful. Consider checking them out at the library and leaving them around the house!
I am so, so sorry to hear of your struggles. I can't imagine trying to combat the inner demons of an ED plus an uneducated parent.
I am already vegan- she allows that, it's just that her ridiculous personal opinions (that ignore facts) keep me from being able to eat vegan healthfully- especially since I am no longer able to digest grains.
I relapsed yesterday. I'm eating sufficiently today, but I honestly just want to completely give up on my recovery. Maybe if I drop to a BMI of 16.9 by listening to my now dead hunger cues and never eating fruit, she'll finally see the damage she's doing. I can't handle the tremendous guilt I feel after eating, and her words of disapproval over my food keep replaying in my head, making me feel very ashamed for eating. Maybe I'll just live off of coffee, vegetables and tofu and to hell with my health. I can't do this.
I am so sorry to hear about all of this. I found your thread from 2012 on your initial weight gain. I have suffered with eating disorders in the past and am now recovering through this lifestyle and dealing with fat gain. What is the status on your diabetes?
The fact that your mother doesn't see that you are clearly suffering is a serious thing, and I sincerely hope you get out of that unsupportive volatile environment as soon as possible. Your health is number one, you know what is healthy, and I congratulate you for continuing on the fruit path even though the people who should be on your team are trying so hard to pull you down. This just goes to show you that the best friend you will ever have in life is yourself.
Keep eating healthy foods, don't let ANYBODY pull you down.
I believe the weight gain from 2012 was because I was eating a TON of grains, and was having to take a TON of insulin to process them. I'm certain that if I were to do this plan 100% raw, I would not have a weight problem aside from the necessary initial gain from recovery.
I'm SO glad you have found the strength to recover. I struggle every day to get myself to eat like I'm supposed to for recovery, and having everyone around me constantly triggering me makes it even harder to suppress that ED voice. Today was a bad day. I felt a lot of anxiety around eating (ESPECIALLY in fron of others!!!) and the ED voice was strong. I did not not NOT want to eat, and I had classes all day. So by the time I got home at 9:00ish, I'd only had 655 calories for the day. Mom asked me if I ate all my lunch and I said I had a banana, 2 juice boxes (because I went low) and some soup (which was actually a lie). This morning I had 2 coffees for breakfast (my ED made me an addict) and so she said "That's not enough. That's only a couple hundred calories." So when I got home, I started cooking up corn pasta, despite my overwhelming urge to just go to bed and stop at 655 calories for the day, which was actually quite strong of me. As I'm cooking, my mom goes "You're eating that NOW?"
wtf??? did she think I shouldn't eat just because it's late?? when she thought I only had 200 calories all day??? I was about to just put it in a container and not eat it, but I did anyway, and now as I type this, I feel so guilty like I'm about to burst into tears. Today was a very bad ED day. It's like I try to eat as little as possible during the first half of the day because everything in me is saying I'm not allowed to eat, and it's only when the day is out that I can finally convince myself to eat already, and that I should. I hate eating breakfast and lunch because I feel so guilty- especially since I don't feel hungry anymore and don't even want the food. When I was starving myself, I only ate in the evenings. I don't even enjoy eating anymore, hardly.
So anyone who's strong enough to be able to push through towards recovery and meet their calorie goal every day despite the ED screaming in your head has earned my tremendous respect. You are amazing to recover. Thank you for your support.
Vincenzi, sit down with your mom and explain to her how you do not want to relapse into another starvation episode and how much you would love one day to not have to take insulin. You don't have to explain 80-10-10 to her, just tell her you want to be healthy physically and mentally, you've been doing a lot of research on diet and you're going to try this for awhile and see how it goes. Be sincere; tell her how much you love and appreciate her concern over your health. I'm not saying I agree with her, I don't--being a mom myself, I know she's afraid for you and your long term health and feels the need to intrude. She probably will still not understand, but showing your respect and love for her as a mom may help to soften her approach toward you. I would also recommend, if you can, to give her the book, "Reversing Diabetes" by Dr. Neil Barnard. Also Joel Furhman's book Eat to Live. She just doesn't have the knowledge you do and this may help to open up her eyes to a new way; also these authors are both physicians, so that may help as well! Good luck hon; convincing family members to a new paradigm of health is really tough! Please do not let yourself go back to not eating--you must take control of your own health! Peace.
My mom does not know about my ED, and I have type one diabetes, otherwise known as insulin-dependent. I don't get off insulin. Ever. Unless a cure is made available. All I can do is lower my doses, but I can never get off of it. I bought Dr. Barnard's book, and when it came in the mail, she seemed pissed that I bought it and said "You should talk to the doctor before trying any of that". I have tried to get her to read important books in the past, but she just doesn't. She makes herself busy by cleaning and running errands all day and is always exhausted. When her day is done, she watches TV in the family room for hours before going upstairs in her bed to fall asleep to the TV up there too. It sounds like I'm exaggerating, but I swear this is literally how she is. I've wracked my brain and pulled my hair out to get her to understand, but with no luck.
Yea it really sounds like she doesn't care about you enough. This is inappropriate behaviour for sure. Make it your mantra- eat enough, eat enough, eat enough. It's hard to change. Are you working? Can you afford to eat while you're out of the house? If you can, try buying a juice like simply orange (I know it's not raw, but it's better than starvation!!!) and drinking that to sustain you, medjool dates can take you through the day...
Have you considered telling your mom about your ED? Sorry if this has been brought up before...She may wake up out of her fog if she sees you are TRULY suffering here.
I don't have a job because I don't have any means of transportation other than my bike, which I am not yet fit/healthy enough to go such long distances on. It is extremely hard for me to get myself to eat enough. I feel SO guilty every time I do, and I've been relying on sugar to squeeze in more calories, but my mom is making me eat less of it because it's going so fast, and I shouldn't be eating that much sugar. Also, I don't know if it's the sugar or starvation, but my blood sugars are WHACK right now. I just don't want to eat anymore. What intensifies my guilt is the fact that I no longer feel hungry. So when I make myself eat and I'm not even hungry, I feel ashamed and guilty because I feel like it was all unnecessary.
I have thought about telling my mom, but I know exactly what she would do. She'd throw me back to the TERRIBLE therapist I had last year, and she'd completely take total control over my life. Last time I felt that trapped, I tried to kill myself. I feel like telling my mom will make everything really bad again.