To begin, thank you to all who participate on this site. We who are fortunate to find it and discover the truths hidden in the simplicities of this lifestyle are very blessed. I am grateful to have finally found a community for which I feel a true connection. The reason I have come to feel this is simple, because we practice AUTHENTICITY here.
Moving on, my name is Korey. I am 29 years old and I am a recovering drug addict. The closest I have come to a comfortable existence, is alongside a woman who loves me and to whom i share a deep spiritual connection with. Even so, I carry about me most of the time a dis-satisfiable mind. A mind that causes me to believe that I have no place on this earth and that I should not be. Mix this with an enlarged ego that feels superior, grandiose, judgmental, arrogant and life becomes unbearable. A quote by I don't know who states "I am not good enough, but I am better than you."
And so I live... with hatred for others, SELF HATRED for things i've done, resentment for the world of ignorance that surrounds me, resentment for a family that spoiled me and taught me to feel all this hatred and fear I feel by being so ignorant. Can I blame others for being ignorant? Nature vs Nurture? What or who is truly to blame? Is it the people around me or the world around me or am I just simply a sick and chemically imbalanced human being? Or is the human race as a whole sick? No matter what the answer the fact remains, I live in a paralyzed state of being, ever incapable of moving forward in the way that SOCIETY expects of me: Job, career, self supportive, etc. while always changing and growing internally, intelligently and spiritually. (it feels like I'm the only one; which creates a vast sense of loneliness)
So I SEEK PERFECTION...
HOW CAN I PERFECT MY HUMAN EXPERIENCE?
I practice all... I seek to master, to perfect...but to what end?
I THINK THAT I LIVE IN THIS FANTASY, IN WHICH I BELIEVE I CAN CHANGE MYSELF COMPLETELY, TO WHERE I CAN BECOME A COMPLETELY NEW AND DIFFERENT ENTITY, VOID OF ALL HUMAN DIFFICULTY.
Does anyone out there relate to this level of pain and suffering for not only yourself, but for the entire human race?
I PRACTICE THIS IN THE SAME WAY ONE WOULD PRACTICE A BELIEF IN GOD...
CANNOT BE FOUND, BUT OFTEN SOUGHT?
IS THERE WISDOM IN THE SEEKING OF?
PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION......
Please share your thoughts, your experience, your strength, your hope, questions, concerns, wonders, desires, curiosities, advice, suggestions ALL IS WELCOME
Do you relate?
What have I provoked in you?
First of all, Thank you.
I relay some thoughts :
You may feel lonely,because AS you strive for perfection, it seems everyone else is complacent. As intelligent beings, we share this potential to act and live using this intelligence. So why not live up to our potential? To become the greatest version of ourselves...
So you realize this but something still sucks.your environment is not reflecting what you wish to be.
I think a part of you is showing we are NOT meant to live life alone. Craving a bond with like beings while simultaneously growing together. When that is not reciprocated, this hopeless sensation may surge through you.
Perhaps I can explain your superior feeling somehow. It's like supply and demand. You know you're significantly different. While everyone else seems to be alike somehow, contributing to factors that harm the world: not questioning outside the "system" and complaining of issues with no goal to improve it. People like you seem rare, so your value rises. There is less "supply". You see more value in yourself because you see the worth. HOWEVER, one thing that is of equal "value" is the potential we all share! :) sure, others may not be at the same spot for growth, but you were once in their place too back in the day... you've just tapped into that potential
This is indeed a journey for growth, and becoming introspective on our experiences may benefit us so long as we do not attach to the past again, but simply acknowledge and reflect..
What have you provoked? A level of authenticity , as you model above ,that resonates on some level with us all. Although a lot of your thoughts have been bitter or disappointing towards humanity, you noticed it. In order to change something, shouldn't we notice it first? :)
"HOWEVER, one thing that is of equal "value" is the potential we all share! :)"
Nice Crystal! Agreed.
There is a school of thought that posits that all actions stem from either a place of love or a place of fear. You are living a life of fear: hatred for others, hatred for yourself, blame etc. You need to move to a life based on love. Have you done shadow work (or similar) to get to the root of your real issues, in order to displace the hold your ego has over you? Do you practice positive focus and gratitude to try and bring some positivity into your life? The release/integration of your shadow aspects, coupled with positive focus work/gratitude, will slowly crowd out the fear and replace it with love.