So I became interested in 811 back in January and probably in the last two months I have started reaching my goals. The only problem is I don't eat enough calories regularly.
Anyways, since adopting this lifestyle I have started having to deal with emotions and thoughts. I feel like cooked food sort of shields us and keeps us complacent and comfortable. And when you remove them, you are left to deal with your true being. I find myself questioning my marriage.
All of a sudden it's like all my husbands imperfections are just popping up. I mean---he is pretty much the same person I married three years ago. I don't get it. I think the main issue is that he is just not very "fam oriented." At the moment I am a stay at home parent. I would expect when he gets home he would want to spend his free time with our two year old. However, he often chooses to take personal time, watching a movie, or whatever. He will even take his dinner to our bedroom. This is not what I envisioned marriage to be, I guess. He also has a tendency to be a bit harsh about things, but this is something he is supposedly working on. He is otherwise a very hardworking individual, and I know he loves us.
I am not sure what to do. Morally, I am opposed to divorce --- but sometimes I think I would rather handle stuff alone. I am curious to know what you all have done when faced with these types of issues!?? Do you think I just need to eat more carbs??? LOL. I'm so confused!
Sigh! It's hard to tell --- nothing diagnoses officially!
Getting enough calories will of course make a huge difference, lol! :)
I'd say that your awareness has surpassed your equanimity. I would just give it time and focus on me, what I am grateful for, being able to be a stay at home mom, being able to do yoga and 811, what I like about my husband. When we are happy, it effects everyone around us. Maybe hubby is processing the changes you are making and other stuff in his life in his own way and really needs alone time right now.
Do an experiment, try carbing up big time for 3 days in a row and tell us how you are feeling about him then. :)
Thank you edenshell!! I will do that starting today :-D
I would expect when he gets home he would want to spend his free time with our two year old.
that is the correct action. part of the responsibility of being a parent is to provide 'energy' to your offspring through communication and contact. the celestine prophecies does a nice job explaining this, but no one needs to read the book to realize how important doing so is.
it is not unusual to question one's marriage - in some situations, what is unusual is not to question it.
in physics, the first law of motion deals with inertia - if you want to change the motion, you need to apply an external force. life works on the same laws.
One thing we have found useful is that when we got married we told each other divorce was not an option. Now if there had been physical abuse, that would have changed, but it has been an aid in working out the problems which necessarily arise when two individuals seek to create a unity.
Communication and balance are very important, also sharing the load.
The image I prefer is two people holding hands, walking in the same direction. I am not perfect, he is not perfect, and I don't expect him to make me happy. That must come from within.
You have already received great "technical" advice. I remember when our children were young, we would take turns on our evening activities so that both could go out, but also take care of the children.
This year we will celebrate our 35th anniversary.
I can relate to your feelings- once on hcrv I started having the same doubts about my marriage. We've been together 22 years. I've found that not only have I seen things more clearly (the good the bad and the ugly) but I'm also starting to understand ways to make things better - whereas before nothing was ever improving.
As far as his personal time, you might offer to be doing a quiet activity with your child when he gets home, like reading. It's a transition time to come from work to home & family. I think some people just need a little peace and quiet when they get home in order to transition, especially if after a stressful day at work. You could also say, honey can you finish this story while I go to the bathroom? And your husband might enjoy a little cuddle time with your little one.
My sister once told me that people, whomever they are, need to hear good things about themselves. She told me not to be too harsh and to make an effort to praise my husband. I tend to take mine for granted and be critical. Saying positive things has really helped. And it's turned around and come right back to me.
I know in my husband's case, his upbringing was SO far different from what how his own kids are being raised and I try to remain focused on how he has provided for us so that the kids CAN have this type of upbringing.
Sometimes I feel like it would be just easier if I could do it all myself. Then I think, these kids will only have one childhood. And this is their father, whom I love and married. I feel it is my responsibility to make the best possible environment for my family. Divorce just doesn't fit in for me. I want things to get better. In my situation I feel divorce would only cause hurt and make our current lifestlye impossible.
Maintaining a marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done. And no one's is perfect. They are always a work in progress. So I guess you can choose to work at building it up or tearing it down. I guess that's easy to say, and harder to live. In my case even though things are still hard, they are definitely better since hcrv. Feelings are out there, problems are being worked on. I'm so much healthier as are my kids. My husband now eats more fruit though still eating sad. But has started weight lifting and 2 weeks ago he started running. (it had been about 20 years since he last went running). We just started having date nights again. All in all he's been supportive of my lifestyle change, even though he has no support for anything non-mainstream at work or from his family.
And yes, CARB UP, it makes all things better!
And today is our anniversary! THANKS for helping me remember....
Thanks for sharing! Happy Anniversary!
I would suggest reading a few of John Gottman's books. The one I started with and I think is one of the most important is "Seven Principles to making a marriage work". I had to read it for a second sociology class: marriage and family. Gottman has a some other great books too that help even more in marraige. I know he has a book on children and parenting as well but I have not been blessed with children yet so I have not read that one. There is also a book called "The five love languages" by Gary Chapman that you should read that will help understand what kind of love language you and your mate need. I have been married three years and he is active military... which means deployments for a year at a time... which as you can imagine is hard but man he is worth it. We have both read the books listed above and it helps A LOT.
Plus when you do a diet like this it tends to bring out emotions that have been covered and forgotten...and not the good ones lol. It is very important to remember all the best parts of you and your hubby's early years. Hang on tight to thoughs memories they are the roots to your family/love tree. If you kill them off there goes the tree man. Do not forget to communicate what you are feeling in a way that you yourself would want to hear it/not be upset by it.
Remember we are all imperfect people. We pick imperfect mates...with imperfections that we can for the most lol part put up with. Quick to forgive and a short memory of all the bad things will go a very long way.
I totally just read all the rest of the comments and saw you are military too. I do not have kids so I cannot imagine how much harder this life is for you guys?!? What branch are you? I am...well my hubby is Army infantry... but we are rethinking staying in. There is only two years left on this contract and the military can suck hard core some times... Like me being in the hospital for two months dropping 50 pounds, two surgeries and finding out I have sever Crohn's and they would not bring him home from deployment to even help me because I was not dying. Then the president went on live tv and lied to me! Saying everyone that was in Iraq would be home around Christmas. But my husband was not, he is still not home yet (he will be in the next two months yippy :) ). Thank God I found this diet it is the only thing that has been working/helping me. I have been reading everything I can get my hands on about this vegan/vegetarian way of life. My hubby says he will do the diet with me and I am really hoping he does he has enough stress without his body falling apart on him.
And I LOVE yoga!!! I told my hubby he had to try it when he got home. Its makes me feel so relaxed and my body feels great.