Last night, my Dad went crazy.
The purpose of this post is to discuss different approaches my family can take to address this problem. I'm wondering, how to help someone, who doesn’t want help, and believes everyone/thing else needs to change.
But first, here's a little about what happened, and my Dad:
The prompting incident: My sister, Mom and I came home from volunteering with the Animal Welfare foundation. I was the first to walk in the house and my Dad was acting strange... in order to stop the 3 dogs from barking (because they haven't been consistent with training) he was spraying them with a water bottle. But he didn’t say anything, he was just staring the dogs down (with a scary look on his face), spraying them over and over again (getting me wet in the process), then even cornered my dog who was no longer barking or jumping and who was hiding behind my legs (so cornering me in the process) and I just looked at him... with that kind of "what's wrong with you?" look. He yelled "what? These dogs wont shut the fuck up" and blah blah blah… and I said "you dont have to be rude though" while I was walking away, then he sprayed me in the face with the water. I said "ok dad, just have another beer (cause a new one was in his hand) and be all mad" and left the room. I'm the only one who doesn't tolerate his negative/disrespectful behavior, though I shouldn't have said anything. My mom and 15 yr old sister just ignore him, and walk on eggshells. Everyday, its always a matter of just not making Dad more mad than he already is, because we (or they) don't want him to become enraged. It always seems like he's on the verge of having a breakdown. He has many times in the past... but I haven't seen it get this bad... I've seem him with more rage than this (he even choked me 10 years ago when he snapped), but I’ve never heard him be so disturbing. I think he is really mentally ill. His grandma went into a mental institution for a break down and died in there, and I've even been in one.
So, my mom walked into the house and he started complaining about me and what just happened... He stormed downstairs to his room and blasted the game he was watching. I went on to talk to my mom about him and how he can‘t just keep acting like this, and not doing anything about his anger. I was very clear, telling her (while he was downstairs) that something has to be done, because it's affecting everyone in the house (and he has caused my mom a LOT of depression and stress). He brings alcohol into the house, when he knows my mom is trying to recover… he’s usually the reason she cant stay sober.
A little later, my mom went down to bring him his dinner (as she always does) and he REALLY flipped out because it wasn’t what he wanted. He threw the food, screaming about how he hates his family, he hates his life and he didn’t want it anymore. He starts throwing more things, breaking stuff, screaming... my mom comes upstairs and acts like nothing is wrong. We all just keep watching TV... But later, when I go into the kitchen, I can hear him down there repeating "I want to fucking kill her, I want to kill her" and I've never heard someone sound so psychotic. It's hard to explain the voice he was using, and the anger coming out of him. I told my mom what he was saying... she said "get away from the door, don’t listen, he's talking about me." But the noise kept going, we could hear it through out the house. He would be screaming, crying, growling, talking to himself, breaking things, kicking stuff...saying he wants to just die.. it was VERY disturbing... and my mom (who always ignores stuff) even decided it wasn’t okay. She went down and told him "your disturbing the family, this is unacceptable"... but he would just say "I hate my family... I'm going to kill my daughter, the more I think about it... I'm going to fucking kill her!" (in the voice of rage and tears like you couldn’t believe). She told him if he hates it so much, he can leave (I was so proud she stood up to him) and then he said he would kick us out cause it was his house.
Basically, after this we all went to the top floor and locked ourselves in my room with dogs. I always knew my Dad harbored hatred for me, but to say that?....
I think that the way the my mom has dealt him up til now, has promoted (allowed) his unhealthy patterns and actually made him worse of the years. He plays the victim role and always points his finger outward. “life isn’t fait, people screw me over, I work my ass off…“ He also constantly disrespects, insults, and controls her and she puts all of her energy into making sure he's happy (which he never is). He complains about work, health, family, politics, etc and is seriously addicted to the drama of Fox news (5 hours a day).
I've mostly tried to avoid him since living at home. I'm trying to improve my life and don't need to be around someone who is poisonous. But, after last night, I know something has to change.
Last week, my mom said she could get him back in with a therapist he saw years ago, but he refused. I think he really believes that he doesn’t need to change, but I need to be gone… and a bunch other stuff needs to change. When I’m here, it might send him over the edge, because he doesn’t like or isn’t used to someone reacting to him… its like a bratty child who never used to hearing “no” and they kick and scream. The person saying no isn’t bad or mean or the reason for the pain.
I feel like we need an intervention, and his addiction is negativity. :P He needs a serious wake up call, because his self awareness is extremely low. An hour of therapy a week isn’t going to fix this. Something more dramatic has to happen. We’re even looking into sending him to a depression clinic or something... but money is limited. Plus, I think he might be hypoglycemic, and he complains about not feeling well a lot, so I’d like to get him holistic help. The doctors even said he could easily have a heart attack... if he doesnt change soon, I think he will die.
The real problems is-
-getting him to see what’s really causing his depression and stress
-getting him to see he could be free of it
and then if he agreed, he will likely not put the work in... so I feel like he needs to in some where, with no distractions.
Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it. I like to solve problems, but don't know how to with this one.