30 Bananas a Day!

These past months have been horrible for me and I really just need to vent..

You can scroll down to the **** symbols if you just want to get to the point, I wanted to vent about how it all came down to the state I'm in now, but you certainly don't have to read it.

Anyways,

I got into a relationship with someone I had a lot of love for (well thought I did). It was wonderful in the beginning, but once he knew I was dedicated to him, he showed who he really was. A sick perverted monster.. and he literally owned me. 

I met him on the internet. We had a lot of mutual friends so I added him. We starting talking and instantly clicked. He was funny, handsome, charming, and made me feel good. Some of my friends told me he was a good guy.. and some friends said to stay away.

We decided to meet up at the bus station. It was great, had a lot of laughs and I just thought to myself "wow, what an amazing guy". I was infatuated. He asked me to come back to his house. We walked there and continued to have a good time. We had many things in common.

So lets fast-forward a little bit.  

We've been together for a little while now and I'm feeling the love. And I felt he was too.

He would drink beer every now and then, but I wouldn't show that I was bothered by it. He would tell me to drink with him and I would do it, just to make him happy. It gets to the point where i'm giving him money, frequently; to buy alcohol.

I get messages from a EX girlfriend of his saying that they hooked up and I should leave him. Confronted him about it.. told me she was just out to get him and i shouldn't believe what she says. I took his word for it. 

Some more time goes by and this is where things start to get bad. 

I was afraid of him but I had love for him at the same time. I would do as I was told because I feared what he would do to me.

He hated it when I would use his computer. Every time I went on it he would stand right behind me.. watching what I was doing. One time I was using it without him knowing and he got back home while I was still on it. He freaked out and started yelling at me. He had his hands in fists. I was thought he was going to hit me. Told me that I was never allowed to use it again, then he pushed me out the front door and locked it. I had no where else to go. I was out there all night until he woke up in the morning. He made me a bowl of cut up fruit for breakfast and gave me affection. It made me feel better, even after what he did. 

One night we were laying in bed, I was tired and ready to sleep. He wanted to have sex. I asked if we could just do it in the morning. He said no. This next part is a bit graphic and I apologize. He bent me over and started penetrating me while pushing my face into the pillow. It was so painful that i started yelling and asking him to stop. So he just went faster until he orgasmed. I got up and went to the bathroom. Sat on the toilet and peed. It stung and hurt so bad. There was some blood dripping down my legs and in the toilet. All I could think was "Is this rape? Am I gonna get pregnant?" I cleaned myself up and put on a pad incase I bled any more. Walked back to the bedroom where he was asleep already. Then I got in bed and layed there. I decided not to tell anyone about it, if I really wanted him to stop I should of just got up and left. He never mentioned anything of it, like it never happened.

Another night he said he wanted to take pictures of me. I didn't feel comfortable with it. But he said had to. They were sexual pictures.

The next day me and him went to my house where it was just me, him, and my 12 year old sister. She adored him. He told her that he wanted to take a few photos of her so he could draw a picture of her. They went into her bedroom and he put her in the position he wanted for the pictures. They came out and everything was fine, he didn't do anything to frighten her. Though it frightened me. 

A few days go by and I ask how the drawing is coming along. He said he was almost done but then he spilled his drink on it so he had to start over. Bullshit.

He left to stay at a friends house and I snuck onto his computer. Oh my goodness. I went threw his pictures. Full of child pornography. I was sick, I was devastated and I didn't know what to do. So I kept my mouth shut. 

He gets kicked out of where he was staying and moves in with his mom. 

I go over there and we are sitting outside in the rain at 1am in the morning. He was waiting for his mom to go to bed so he could sneak me in. and I just wanted her to stay up all night.. I wanted to go home. 

He's talking to me. Telling me how we are soulmates, how much he loves me. He said I better not ever hurt him or he will feed me to the piranhas. Told me if he can't have me then no one else could. He made me promise that i'd never leave him. I just remember the look he would give me.. so intimidating and scary. I wanted to get away so bad. I've been living in fear. But I didn't talk to anyone about it. I just kept telling myself that i'd eventually get away. 

He checks to see if his mom fell asleep. She did and he brought me upstairs. He strips down to his boxers, I leave my clothes on and we get into bed. He starts feeling me up and i'm extremely uncomfortable. I started crying softly. I asked him if I could please go home. He said I would have to let him take some pictures first. I said no. He pushes me down onto the bed and covers my mouth with his hand. Tells me I "better do what he fucking says and be quiet". He prys my mouth open and spits in it an then choked me. I ended up blacking out. I woke up on the floor. Quietly I got up and checked if he was asleep. He was snoring. I thought to myself I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE. I quietly grabbed my clothes, ran downstairs, out the door and ran down the street. Put on my clothes while on the sidewalk and started walking. I lived about 15 miles away from home so I walked about 5 to a friends house. Tapped on his window and he let me come in. Luckily he was awake. I didn't tell him anything about what was going on.

The next day I finally went to the Police Station. Had to write a long statement and talked to an officer. His main concern what the child pornography. Asked if it was still on his computer and said yes it should be. He told me they were going to confiscate it. As for the abuse I put up with.. there was no 'proof'. I felt like they didn't even care at all. I was told to stay away and not talk to him.

So I decided to talk to a friend about everything that was happening. I just had to talk to someone.

Big mistake.

She ended up TELLING HIM that the police were gonna come get his computer. Can you believe that? What? Why? Why would you do that to me after everything I told you?! You were a close friend of mine. (turns out they were together behind my back)

I get a phone call from a number i didn't recognize but I answered it anyways.. not expecting it to be HIM. He's like "So I heard that you went to the police blah blah blah. Well I fried my monitor so they would have nothing to find. Karma's a bitch. Never talk to me again blah blah" 

I was sick to my stomach. What did I do to deserve all this? I'm such a sweetheart. I was easily manipulated because I care too much and I want to make everyone happy.

As for the police, they told me they found nothing on his computer. I haven't been contacted since. They never cared and I just hate myself. How could I let all this happen.

****This is whats going on right now****

After all these series of events in my life I turned to food to help me cope.

And not good food. Junk. Processed foods. Chocolate. Ect.

I keep telling myself that I need to STOP. I desperately want to, it's just making my life even worse. I sob almost every day because I feel so disgusted with myself. I've gained 40 pounds, fairly quickly too.

It's like there is a voice in my head. A craving that calls out and makes me eat these foods. I throw away the junk out in the bushes and buy fruit to keep in the house. Then the next day the voice tells me to go to the store to buy junk! I fight with it. It wins. I feel horrible afterwards. It's a continuing cycle. 

This voice is out to KILL me. These foods make me sick to my stomach, i've puked many times and told myself omg never again. But it happens again.

I stuff my face with my favorite fruits but still feel the need to binge on crap. 

How can I stop doing this to my pour body? How do I change my mindset? Why did this happen to me? I was a raw vegan for so long, all that progress just to fail and become this binging monster. I feel trapped.

I have no one to blame but myself. I'm so disappointed. 

But I want to change all this, I want to have a life that I enjoy. 

I appreciate any help or advise. I felt like this was the best place for me to ask for some guidance. 

Thank you in advance and I also apologize if I wasted your time. 

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