I wanted to write a little something.
I hope it might help someone. No weight is mentioned. Because I know that I would have been triggered by it.
I've always been a natural eater, eating what I wanted, when I wanted it, and the amount I needed. That was mainly pasta, breakfast cereals, peanut butter banana sandwiches, fruits. I never went on a diet. I was slim, really muscular, swimming a lot, doing gymnastic, riding my bike, hiking. I had chronic constipation. That ruined a big part of my childhood. I had a belly pain 24 7, I was often put on laxative. Other then that, I didn't showed any symptoms of sickness.
At 14, overnight, I was not able to eat a thing except 2 bananas a day. I was hospitalize pretty soon. I relapsed after going out of there, but shortly, I jumped back on my feet.
I went vegetarian. I never liked meat, and it made me feel bad, but I ate some shrimps on occasion. and then I went vegan. It made more sense to me.
I began to have allergies. In my family, eczema and allergies are "normal". my brother suffered from severe eczema (from all the dairy he consumed) and my mom dramatic allergies. I took medications for it during the spring and summer.
At 18, I moved in the big city, and went to university. I didn't know what I wanted in life. I started partying and drinking a lot. I was drunk every night, and I was doing coke a couple nights a week.
From the alcohol, I gained a bit of weight, and to me, that was just not possible that I could move up a size. I was depressed. one day, I had an indigestion. I woke up feeling not well, I thought I was hungry, I ate a fruit salad, it came right back up.
That's when I restricted again. 2 clementines a day. I ate them so slowly that they dried before I finished them.
I didn't want to go back to the hospital, so I began to eat, only cereals with soy milk, and I threw up. The idea of having something, anything, inside was unbearable.
I discovered thelivefoodist along the way, and 811. I was so desperate to get better.
I was trapped. When you starve yourself, you began to fear food, to think about it 99% of the day. I was weak. For many years (probably over 4) I allowed myself to eat only from 3 or 4 oclock, nothing else. and I was throwing up as much as I could. veggies, lots of water, pasta , cereals, at some points muffins, but that's it. FOR 4 YEARS. I ate the same exact thing, horrified to do something else. For the biggest part of it, I was throwing up 5 times a day. Up to 10, down to 3. I became a skeleton at one point, but I maintained a really unhealthy weight all the time.
I came to a point when I thought that people were weird from keeping food in. And cried when I tried to put a baby carrot in my mouth with the idea of keeping it. the thing I wanted the most was to live. AND mangoes and tomatoes. celery. I don't know why. I would have given anything for it. But I didn't eat a mango or a tomato in years. Because I don't know... I thought that I couldn't give myself the right to eat something that good.
I was told by the mental hospital here in Montreal that I needed to be hospitalized, and that they (and I quote the psychiatrist) "don't tolerate vegetarianism" what kind of world is this ? Most dietitian recommend that you keep meat to the bare minimum (that's another story for dairy, the dairy industry and the governments have an affair !)
I saw a nutritionist, I ate yogurt and cottage cheese, shrimp and even chicken (probably 5 times). Wow. I wanted to prove to the world that I don't want to be sick. And to them, anything other then the hamburger pizza diet is abnormal and that veganism is part of my "sickness"! I gave in for a quick time. I don't want to eat chicken. Or cows milk !
I listened to everything high carb related. to brainwash me, in a good way. Harley and freelee, they are my #1 reason I was able to eat again, and I was so appealed by the lifestyle. Doug Graham. I love that man. What he says makes too much sense !
I won't say I'm recovered. I'm not there yet. it's a long process. It took time from the moment when I got the information to the action.
I never thought it would be possible. Never. I'm serious.
It's been 2 weeks now since the last time I threw up. That's a huge thing for me. I was doing it 4 nights a week on average.
I moved with my boyfriend, started to EAT, SAVOR !
When I was 14, the bananas I ate were green ! anything yellow (and even worse, ripe !!!) was disgusting to me. Now, the spottier the better !!!
I eat a ton of celery, bananas, mangoes, berries (they're in season and grown here in Quebec !) cantaloupe, tomatoes, etc etc.
I'm not eating the recommended 2500 YET, but I'm getting there. around 1800-2000 most day. And I'm feeling I'm born. I'm starting to live.
Because trapped in my twisted, disordered mind and thoughts and fears all the time, I was not living. It was a gradual thing. I told everyone I wanted to recover on my own.
I have a psychologist. The first thing she told me was "you're not sick". That shocked me because I thought I was an "anorexic". like it was my mission in life, my way of being.
I prefer to be a 23 years old girl who enjoy life, and who love all the things I love, and take life in the right way for me.
I've gained some muscle. I know it's been only 2 weeks, but I'm not going back there ! Fruits are too sweet and good to eliminate them !!!!
So that's the beginning of my road to complete freedom. FRUIT WON'T MAKE ME FAT :) It makes me happy. I'm starting to live again. That's beyond words, I can't tell you how great I feel now. I have a life ahead of me now. and a lot of fruits to eat :)
Thanks to all of you. (and particularly to Harley, who finally convinced me !!!)
That's because of this that I'm so happy now !
I just want to begin by saying that I think that you're strong for overcoming your eating disorder basically on your own (without misinformed doctors and nutritionists, especially) and for staying strong in your belief of veganism and healthy eating. It's incredibly hilarious how nutritionists label a vegan (and especially fruitarian!) diet as "disordered," when it's the S.A.D. that's the disordered one. Funny, but terribly SAD (pun intended).
I also want to share with you that I also went through an eating disorder (for the full, winded story, see my profile). Long story short: It began with the introduction of running and a very fast metabolism (and emotional crap and "perfectionism," low self-esteem, etc. etc.); I lost a ton of weight in the period of about a year (no numbers, I promise; although personally they don't trigger me); I tried to gain weight by myself at my dad's worry; I couldn't do it--anything over 2000 calories was just too much for me, and I felt disgustingly sick eating vegetarian/vegan cooked food (for awhile I ate soy/coconut-milk ice-cream, yuck); I was eventually sent to an inpatient treatment facility, but they couldn't take me due to my heart-rate, so I was in the hospital for almost a month, being tube-fed (ACK, bad memories) AND fed by mouth (they thought that I was hiding food because I wasn't gaining much weight on 4000 calories!) and constantly watched by sitters. It was a nightmare. I spent 3 or 4 months in treatment gaining weight and such, on a 4200-calorie diet (which was later lowered to 3200 for maintenance). That was also somewhat of a nightmare. ANYWAY (I guess that I failed to make this brief), I got released from treatment as soon as I was at a healthy weight, due to insurance issues, but I went back to losing weight as soon as I got out. After awhile, I found 80/10/10, and discovered that it is the perfect diet for me! I can eat 3500-3900 calories per day and not feel sick (even though my stomach bloats, but everyone on this diet gets that, and it's just water; it goes away). I can exercise and be able to eat the extra calories that I burned, and I feel better than ever. I never would have imagined that I'd be alright with eating this much volume, ever. But I can! I love this lifestyle and all of its health, economical, ethical (etc.) benefits. Best of all, it feels completely natural. :)
I'm SO glad that you've found this lifestyle and that you're on your way to recovery. You'll be stronger because of this. I promise.
Also, I'd like to gently encourage you to make sure that you up your calories A.S.A.P. 2000 is not enough for you to get the proper nutrients, nor the proper calories that your body needs to heal itself. No rush, but just wanted to remind you. :)
oh thank you for your response !
Being a person who always did a lot of sport, I want to start doing more soon. I'm currently just walking, doing some kayak. And I need fuel for that. Well... On the days I'm eating more (today was pretty good !) I see I have A TON of energy.
What you share really motivates me !
I'm eating 4 meals a day, that seems to work... What do you all do for the amount of meals you have in a day !? I eat at around 8h30, then 11h30, 3 and then at around 7...
Eating more often helps... I trained my body to throw up everything....
But it works really well ! AND I'm not constipated anymore. Even from the laxative abuse... I stop two weeks ago, and everything is fine !!! That was one of my fear.
To see that a woman that's pretty much my height can eat that much ! That's great !!! I'm going back swimming !!!! I want those strong arms and shoulder and that firm butt again ! :P
Awh, I'm glad that I motivate you. Haha. :) At this point, my day, food-wise, looks like this: 1000 or more calories for breakfast (banana-lettuce smoothie, usually; I know that watery fruits are best in the morning, but I like bananas because they're more dense and don't fill me up as much--and they make great smoothies), then I get a bunch of calories in before lunch (I don't know; enough that I only have around 1500 calories left for the day), then a 500 or so calorie lunch (I plan to up this to 700 or more, so I don't have to eat quite as often), then I eat around 500 calories before dinner, and then a 500-calorie dinner (I eat overts EVERY day).
That's awesome that you reversed the laxative abuse! I'm also glad that you'll be able to start up exercise again! I was miserable for the time in treatment when exercise was absolutely banned--even walking wasn't allowed. I LOVE exercising, but I make sure not to do too much cardio. Beware: swimming is just about the most calorie-burning exercise there is. But I'm glad that it motivates you. A healthy, well-fed body is a happy and beautiful body. ;)
P.S. You might be a bit misled about my age. I'm only sixteen. Just saying. (:
Oh my ! I thought you were older then that !!! :)
That's incredible that you get out of your eating disorder that young !! :)
So do you get your greens in eating them a couple times during the day !? for breakfast and dinner !?
I'm eating a lot of celery now with my banana smoothie (I love the crunch and I seem to crave the sodium in it...) For some reason, I'm not interested in lettuce at the moment... I usually love it !
I know that I won't be able to swim like I used to... My arms are still really skinny. But I plan on going back gradually... I will probably do a fourth of what I was doing (and probably even less) but I don't care, because I know that's a slow process...
Well... my energy seems to go back so quickly, and I feel really happy !
Thanks again for the comments !!!!
Awww, Shannon :)
And although my 'eating disorder' (I'm still not positive whether it was or not) wasn't as severe as either of yours, I restricted to 400-600 calories a day for a year, lost a lot of weight, and when I had a checkup at the doctors office I had multiple health issues that I literally had NO idea about. She said I was anorexic, but again, I'm confused on whether I was or not.
I still restricted after that, because when I tried to up my calories to even just 1000 I gained weight like crazy. In November 2011, I stumbled upon one of Freelee's videos and was amazed :) I slowly started adding more calories (all high carb, low fat and vegan) but then got confused about whether or not this worked and fell off the wagon.
I then saw Shannanananana in January, and asked her about whether or not she heard of fruitarianism (remember that, Shannon, when we were eating at Veg?) We both agreed it wasn't a good diet.
A month or so later, I decided to transition to 80/10/10 despite what I previously thought, and felt amazing! Shannon shortly did the same :) Now Shannon and I both feel AMAZING all the time :)
I eat usually 2300 a day (honestly, I haven't been counting recently, though I should) and I'm trying to up it to the 2500 mark. I won't mention weight, since you prefer not to, but I'll just say I'm maintaining a healthy one. I LOVE THIS LIFESTYLE.
And, sorry if this is TMI, but my period started again today, after two years of not having it due to self-starvation. I have mixed feelings on this for obvious reasons, but it means that my body is functioning properly again.
SO anyway, enough rambling. Good job Emmie on getting better--this lifestyle is SO worth it.
Good luck with your future endeavors (Hehe, Julius Caesar reference) :D
Wow wow wow !!!!
that's really great to hear !
That's good that you didn't self label yourself as an "anorexic". That's one of the major thing that slowed my recovery I think.
I'm not even afraid of weight gain. I know I will (and I know that I need to gain muscle mass !)
The first time I thought I recovered from the ED at age 15, I went up about 5 or 10 pounds over my "normal weight", but my body reajusted. Especially with all the purging, that messes up someone body ! hydration, electrolytes, hormones...
I had severe water retention, and also I was bleeding ALL MONTH LONG once I reached a more acceptable weight. When I reached the 12% body fat mark...
My body seems to be so gentle on me !!! I eczema,.. I don't know if it's the way my body response to stress, or if it's a readjustment to eating again, or if it's something external like the type of clothes cleaner I used. A natural one, but with essential oils... I might be allergic !
oh I speak too much !
Thank you !
Haha, you don't "speak too much" !
I brainwashed me with Harley and Freelee videos and recordings !
you will get there. I thought I ruined my life with this obsession.
But seriously. As soon as I begin to be too hungry (if I'm out for example) the thoughts of restriction, my fear of food, and the desire to purge anything I would eat is strong. But I make myself a banana smoothie (I love to eat it in a bowl with berries !!!) or I eat mangoes ! and the obsessions disappear and I don't think about food for a long time (well... until I'm hungry again !)
I talk like I'm a specialist now, but it's been a little over two weeks only, and I feel so much change ! It's incredible ! I never thought it would be possible. I lived in hell 24 7.nothing mattered except the idea that I would eat and throw up. And eating anything, for years, and keeping it, was out of the question. I thought everyone was crazy to eat.
You will get where you want to go !!! :)
lots of love
I'm also a 23 year old who overcame an intense eating disorder through listening to Harley and choosing to improve my life choices. Rock on.
I get my greens in whenever I have a smoothie. At LEAST with breakfast; I usually have about a head of romaine heart lettuce, but sometimes I use some spinach, too. And I put in another half (or whole) head (or, with any other kind of lettuce, about four cups or something?) with lunch, if I have a smoothie. I occasionally eat a plain salad for dinner, but usually I just eat separate stuff (not lettuce, usually; I can't usually manage to eat it like that, for whatever reason), like bell pepper, cucumber, tomato, etc., and then an avocado or some raw walnuts.
And my arms got really skinny, too. They were never strong or anything, but they're definitely the last part of my body to gain weight. They're still pretty skinny, along with my shoulders and chest and everything (but I never had barely anything in the way of breasts, anyway). I'm working on incorporating more upper-body strength training. I can actually say now that I somewhat LIKE my body (I have NEVER been able to say that before!), mostly my legs, haha (except for all the gross scars from all the scabs; I still have a really, really bad picking habit--OCD tendencies and whatnot--I hate it).
And hi Alex! :) By the way, if your calories were that low and you were restricting, that automatically kind of makes it an eating disorder... haha. Sorry. But I'm sure that you don't have that now! You're so awesome and strong that you cured yourself in a relatively brief amount of time. :D (I wish I would have done that!!!)
And yes, that is our story. I love our story. <3 I do remember that day at Veg, of course. ;) I remember that I thought that this diet was a bit extreme and that it was just an extension of your E.D.-like behavior, Alex. Now I know!!! I was so wrong! This is the OPPOSITE of an eating disorder (as said above; I'm repeating myself, ack).
And--this may sound strange--but I'm glad that you got your period back. Haha. :) I still haven't gotten mine; of course, I never started, sooo... not really clear on that whole sitch-ie-ay-shun. I'm pretty sure that my eating disorder messed up my development, though. We'll see how that turns out.
And Dee, I very, very much hope that you get there. Keep working at it. Believe in yourself (no matter how cliche that statement is). :)
I suppose you're right. I remember when I was at my lowest weight, in 9th grade, we watched a movie H.O.P.E. called "For the Love of Nancy" that was about anorexia. The way this girl acted in the movie was extreme; she hid food under her bed, punched holes in the wall and hid the food in there, threw away food, hid it in her napkin, etc. I guess I always mentally compared myself to that after my sister hinted I looked sickly, and denied that I was anything like that, and thus "didn't have a disorder." But I guess I somewhat did, in a way.
BUT I definitely don't regard food with a restricting mentality anymore, even though I'm not entirely happy with my body quite yet, particularly my stomach area. But after such restriction, bodies supposedly store fat there to repair organs. Plus, lack of estrogen in the body supposedly causes weight gain in the stomach, too. So I'm hoping that now my body has enough estrogen, things will start evening out. :)
Oh, and I did take estrogen supplements from the gynecologist (I mention this in my letter, which I'm sending on Monday). I didn't want to, since I have trust issues with any sort of medication, but I did, anyway, because of the stomach reasons. But you may want to see a gynecologist, too, to make sure your reproductive organs are okay (they had to give me an ultrasound to check mine).
ANYWAY I CAN"T WAIT TO SEE YOU :D We're going to go to Rainbow River one day and the next dAY go iceskating! :)
Wow, thanks! Yes, my photos are very recent, they're from a trip to Italy and Greece this past June.
Really, thanks so much for this comment, it makes me feel so much better. :)