I am so mad/frustrated/disappointed and confused with myself. Yet again, I fell off the wagon after only 1 day of doing this lifestyle 100%. Yesterday I did great. I exercised. Ate all fruit. Drank 3 liters of water. The whole deal.
Yet today, I wake up and go to the gym to do a 4 mile walk/jog and then I come home and eat breakfast of 3 bananas and 20 strawberries...and then a couple hours later...I find myself eating a slice of bread (100 calories) and whole bag of these carmel flavored rice cake chip things (330 calories in 1 bag).
What really frustrates me is that I am not falling off the wagon because of food temptations. I love fruit!! If I could know 100% that I could eat 2500 or more calories of fruit each day and not gain any weight I feel that this lifestyle would be super easy for me. BUT..What hinders me is that I am really afraid of gaining weight and feeling worse about my physical appearance. I am a floppy 5"3 116lb-ish and while I am for sure not overweight I weigh more than I ever have and feel really self conscious. As I have gained 8lbs in the last 6 months. My weight always maintained around 108-110lb while eating 1800-2000 calories of SAD cooked food (1800 calories on days with no exercise and 2000 on days with exercise).
Right now I feel really self conscious about my body. For many years I restricted my calories and had an eating disorder, while as of today I have not restricted my calories for over a whole year I still have very disordered eating habits (i.e. I feel compeled to count my calories, have to know how many calories are in everything I eat, virtually only eat nutritionally empty and low calorie foods like popcorn so that I can eat a lot of a certain food item and feel that I have eaten a ton of food without taking in too many calories). I will seriously eat 3 large bags of light microwave popcorn and a pint of low calorie ice cream in one sitting on a regular basis. I only feel comfortable eating this much because I will know that total calorie intake was say 1000 calories and as long as I stay within 1800-2000 for the day I am not worried about how it will affect my weight. It it such a gross and horrible behavior and I am so ashamed of it.
On the days where I am really trying to do HCRV 100%, it's like I can get through my workout and breakfast and then !BAM! I am hit with all these fears about gaining weight and people judging my appearance and feeling worse about myself and people not wanting to be my friend because I eat "weirdly" or have gained weight and "let myself go" and then I just crack and eat cooked food for lunch or dinner, foods that I am comfortable with and know their calorie content.
I also feel that I am addicted to eating my meals while watching television. For many years I have had this horrible habit of feeling like I have to eat my meals while watching mindless crapy on television. For my meals I will eat large amounts of low calorie completely nutritionally empty foods like light buttered popcorn, soy chips, etc. so that I can just sit in front of the TV and zone out while eating these foods that I know the calorie content of so that I won't have to worry about gaining weight. It's this sick cycle that I am in and I just feel really trapped in it.
I believe I eat this way just to numb myself out from my daily stresses and bordom with my current life situation...I am about to graduate college in early May and I have been stuck for many years in a boring small town, in a college major I am totally uninterested in. I am someone who craves big cities, travel, adventure, art, etc. I have a love of art and fashion design and I have been completely unstimulated in my current studies and environment coupled with the fact that I have felt unmotivated to purse my interests because of my depression, fatigue, feeling stuck in doing what's comfortable and safe regarding my eating and free time, and having constant fears surrounding my physical appearance, health and low self esteem).
Each day after eating these "safe" but empty foods in front of the TV, I am like tomorrow I will start my HCRV lifestyle!!...and then I get through one day doing it 100% or maybe even just half a day...because, BAM...I am hit with all these fears of weight gain and don't feel the numbing effect and safety of my old calorie counting, TV watching eating habits and so I cave and go back to my old ways.
I feel like a total failure. I know I am hurting my boyfriend and our relationship as well as myself and my health. I don't know why I can't fight through these fears and why the fear of weight gain is so debilitating for me. I see people like Freelee and DR and I feel so motivated but then I convince myself that they are doing more exercise then I have the time for (cycling for hours at a time each day), or it's because they take B12 shots and I can't afford them, and then I just feel lost and hopeless.
Also I struggle to enjoy my exercise. I have never really enjoyed exercise in my life. I have always done it avoid weight gain (while still knowing that it is super good for my health). About a week ago as I have been on and off trying to start this lifestyle I also started jogging/walking but have gotten really sore in my knees and ankles. Exercise is essential for me when I am trying to start this lifestyle as it helps to lessen my fears surrounding weight gain and keep me on track, but when my legs are sore and I know I am hurting myself by trying to jog, it is hard to stay motivated to exercise and then my thoughts seem to spiral into putting off doing 80 10 10 till a later date, because in order for me to try to give up my old habits and hit the fruit 100% I need to exercise. I would get a bicycle and ride outside but it is still cold where I live and I just personally hate being cold and I know I won't exercise on my bike if the weather isn't hot and sunny.
I am SO SICK AND TIRED of all of this back and forth. I just want to be happy, healthy, fit, and confident. I am sick of starting, messing up, starting again, messing up again. I feel trapped in my safe, yet bad, habits.
I know I have shared a lot of really intense and disordered feelings and thoughts surrounding body image and food. Thank you for reading what I wrote. If anyone has any advice for me as to how to overcome my fears surrounding weight gain, get out of my bad habit of TV watching and eating SAD empt foods while calorie counting I would greatly appreciate it. Or if anyone has a personal story that is similar I would love to hear from you. Also, if anyone has thoughts on what I should do about getting sore with my jogging and overcoming that, or advice on exercise in general I would love to hear it.
Thank you so much for taking the time to listen.
by the by...even Dr. Graham has a mono-meal exception rule...5-5-5: Max five fruit, for $5, ready in 5 minutes...of course, depending on where you live the $5 might not be realized, but you can definitely get a great meal out of five fruit...plus, you greens meal has no such mono-meal limitations, so get creative there! good luck!
i'm so happy to see all the support that is given...if i should falter, i know where to go! thanks all for this vicarious support!
Oh man, I really feel you Jennifer. It sounds like you are still not quite over your past anorexic and binging mental state. Have you ever heard of body dysmorphic disorder? Anyways, I definitely think you need to eat more and let go of the fear of weight gain. This lifestyle tends to (in the long-term) basically create the body you were meant to have. So if you came into this lifestyle with excess weight you will lose that excess weight and get your ideal body, and vice versa. If you weigh 116 lbs at 5'3 now and you used to weigh less, then were you perhaps underweight before? I can't help but think that this weight gain stuff is all in your head. You should seriously look into this, I'll post a link for you - Body Dysmorphic Disorder. As for with the SAD food binging... I'd say stop watching TV as it is triggering for anyone with eating disorder or weight obsession tendencies and also keeps you eating 24/7, stop buying/storing SAD foods, keep your favorite fruits and vegetables near you at all times, stop obsessing over your appearance, start tracking calories for the purpose of eating enough instead of calorie restricting. Also, try to keep yourself occupied with things that make you feel good. What are your interests? Dancing? Art? Nature? You already mentioned art and fashion, maybe start following blogs about those subjects or something and explore. Good luck! x PS sorry if this was really long but I just kind of felt like I needed to try to help you.
Even though I think I see myself clearly in the mirror I know that I do not. I definitely think I have body dysmorphic disorder. While on one hand I am not a skeleton who sees myself as fat, as tragically so many, too many people do these days, I do set unrealistic expectations for myself and judge my body and mind and actions very, very harshly. It's like when I look in the mirror at myself I am displeased, but if I saw myself walking down the street or was friends with myself I don't think I would ever think "hey, that girl needs to lose some weight." It's very frustrating because I know that I do this negative self talk and judgement on myself, yet I don't know how to turn that voice off in my head. I have 4 weeks left of college until I graduate with my Bachelor of Arts degree and so I am going to spend this summer working and focusing on my interests in art and fashion, like you said, to distract myself and focus on things that I am really passionate about. Thank you for your help and advice. It was all really spot on!
I know exactly how you feel. I believe you will defeat it. Eat enough, don't fear food, it's not your enemy it is your fuel. Have fun! I wish you well! xo
One tip that might be helpful...instead of sitting and eating popcorn or rice cakes, try washing a head or two of lettuce and munch on that in front of the TV. Lettuce is very low calorie as well, but it has important minerals and protein. Any time I see someone post about how they do okay with this diet for awhile and then they fail in the evenings, it's almost always a sign that they're not getting enough calories, so of course you turn to foods you relied on before. Maybe try a week of eating at least 3000 calories or more a day. The most you could gain from that sort of excess is 2 lbs, but I bet you won't, and furthermore you'll actually feel a lot better mentally. Getting exercise is key for your health (only exercise gets your lymph fluid circulating), both physical and mental, and you don't have to start out all crazy gung-ho about something, so don't worry about biking. Just go on a walk for 20 or 30 minutes. I'm sure you have clothes you can bundle up and wear outside. That alone will get you moving in the right direction.
How i see it? You havent failed your just testing the waters!!! the reason you went to the other foods was lack of cals/carbs from fruit simple as that hun. i would suggest you gain a bit more knowledge first so you know why your doing what? fruit is high carb low fat id say it was hard to eat enough fruit to get fat. the fat we eat is the fat we wear. fruit is easily absorbed, digested quickly and excreted so we dont hold on to any excess. give the body enough fruit creates harmony and balance. I aim for 700 to 800 cals in a meal at least, i eat alot of smoothies breakfast and lunch would be 8 bananas other wise if we dont get enough we will lack mind clarity and lack fuel creating cravings. list what and how u were feeling when u left your path. when you understand and have awareness to why you made a certain choice you can change the approach. If you do it and dont understand why you feel out of control and lower self mind sees fail and weak. which isnt true the only failure would be to keep practising the same mistakes expecting a different out come? the 4 reasons i go back to other foods.... 1, not enough cals/carbs from fruit! 2, Going too long between meals (dont wait till your starving) you will end up going to high fat or processed sugar stimulants to sedate the emotion of your need for fuel. 3, tired. so make sure you rest and carb up. 4, stress. stress is another word for fear if we are fearful we will try to comfort ourselves its our survival, generally most people go to food one because its legal and two because we have been condition by habit from society. you need a plan and to have it clear in your mind why you want the change do a list?? failing to plan is like planning to fail!!!! i would write up a plan of action and why you are doing it keep it where u can see it daily to keep you on track, but i believe when you eat enough of the fruit the track will be less challenging. dont stay stuck on the problem find a remedy to move forward!! do a month trial! smoothies great way quick easy to get large amounts (enough cals) to sustain you. do a month high carb low fat all the fruit and greens you desire i eat masses of fruit in day then more fruit with greens in the evening! greens have a calming effect to. im for 800 cals per meal see the difference? you got nothing to loose and all to gain. hope this will help love kim. never loose hope xxxx to create balance diet is part of the elements , hydration,sun light, air, rest, activity and healthy relationships all play a vital role to the harmony of our environment xx
Interesting that you say stress is another word for fear. I am going to really think about that because I feel like I am always filled with stress and fears and that they just play off of each other and grow. You bring up so many good points in what you wrote. I am going to read over it again to really soak it all in. You are right that I need to figure out why I feel out of control. I really need think about that one hard. Thank you for all your good advice!
#1 sounds like you need some home-front support. Get it!
#2 you like all the rest of us are addicted to the substances in the phakephood we have eaten. Eliminate it from your house.
#3 get plenty of sleep!
#4 cut back on your exercise going into the transition phase of this program. Your body needs tons more carbs to start cleaning out itself from years of accumulated toxins, pesticides, poisons, etc. When you exercise hard and start this healthy eating program your body gives up the energy to the exercise first.
I like how you say phakephood. That's perfect! Thank you for these tips.
why not go for HCRV food though out the day, then have a HCV, (cooked) meal at night. all snaking raw as well. this way you wont be eating wirred stuff like rice cakes! you'll be happy with your progress/increaced health and wieght loss,! once your going in a direction that does everything you wont you'll be more able/content and of greater conviction to go 100% raw.
regarsd, james :)
I don't really feel tempted by cooked food. It's just specific cooked food items I use as a crutch because I have safe, yet bad habits surrounding them that I feel practically addicted to. I am open to eating a cooked potato or vegetable if I really feel that I need it.
Everything that you are upset about will go away when you eat enough carbohydrates... you will not want to exercise until you eat enough. You will not feel happy until you eat enough. You will not get rid of cravings and binges until you eat enough. You will not feel good about yourself until you eat enough. You will not be able to find your life purpose or help others until you eat enough. You will not have good relationships until you eat enough. You will not stop feeling cold until you eat enough.
However, in order to get over the mental blocks to eating enough, a 12-step program may help. I personally go to OA. It has taught me that my weight and my obsession with my weight is just a symptom. I need to get spiritually healthy to recover and if I don't, I will ultimately kill myself (slowly and painfully) with under-eating and bingeing on junk food. This pattern is as serious as drug or alcohol addiction. Healing is SO EASY and yet SO HARD. Get support, listen to people who've been there, trust the universe or whatever higher power you believe in. Ask for help, but don't ask people to feel sorry for you or listen to your excuses. Trust people like Freelee who've been there and are telling you daily that the only way out of this is to EAT ENOUGH. You will gain weight and that is o.k. because it is not permanent. Start eating now. :)