30 Bananas a Day!

I dont feel good. I feel like commiting suicide and I am a loser. Candida, depression, loneliness stress.

I have so much stress and so many problems I can't begin to express them all. I feel like im a loser and I can't fix it. I don't like feeling like this. I am not taken seriously by anyone and people never motivate me. I feel like I can't move up in life and I am incapable of thriving. I sound like  whiny little kid when I try to make videos and express my true feelings. I am on the verge of commiting suicide. I am just not happy. I don't get any attention from females. I get bored with everything fast. Its hard for me to concentrate on one thing and make something happen. I feel like I have to escape life. I have candida and it wont go away. I am chronically stressed and see no means out of it. I am a pervert and am addicted to porn. I have insomnia from stress. I have a low attention span. I have an anger problem. I keep all my emotions bottled up all the time because I am so crazy in reality that I can't express them. I am losing my fucking mind and wan't a purpose. I want respect and money. I feel like a million dollars is an ok amount of money even thoght I am always broke and havent seen a fraction of that. I dont feel like im getting enough out of life to feel distracted from the bitterness that is myself. I work at a furniture store delivering/returning leased furniture. It makes me really depressed all around. Im not getting laid, and the only girls that have ever wanted to have sex with me were all fucked in the head. My brothers ex girlfriend had the hots for me. I used to live with him because financially I been poor for a long time. (They tried had to make it work,but I feel essencially it was fucked over by me)Its always been hard to hold a job. FUCK I cant even explain how much misery I feel daily. Im a tall skinny dude with bad candida problems working in a furniture store who has hardly any pleasure in life and cant escape. I have insomnia every night I try to go to sleep at a regular time and get balanced. I am eating a vegan diet for a long time now and don't feel better. What keeps me going is hoping that I will feel good again one day and get those warm fuzzy feelings that I used to get. I used to be happy when I was younger. Something happened. I think its candida, but im not sure. I don't like being sensitive to food. I want to be able to eat more stuff. I been doing vegan for a long time and I have tried fully raw to help with candida(currently am trying it again, am in a shitty fucking mood now I see why I go to comfort food every time). I am hoping to hack this one out and pull through this misery but eating nothing but bananas seems to be making me more miserable (2 days in). I feel like everyone ignores me when I speak my mind. I feel like I have a thousand conflicting problems I cant express. I feel like commiting suicide really badly because it would be a relief. I want my youthful happy energy back and its not coming back. I feel like every day is a waste of time. Im not gaining any pleasure and I am becoming more and more bitter, even with eating sweet foods.

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I feel like everything is fake. Everything about life is all fucking fake there is no explanation for some of the shit that goes on. I want to die and hopefully my energy will be released to a better place. I hate my life.... I have lost it. I am thinking about not going into work tomorow but I have rent to pay now. I have fucking bills because I have nowhere else to go. I am in pain from the stress. I want sex, I want hunger, I want life!!!! This is fucking shit what I am living in. I want to "live in the flesh" as a christian brainwashed idiot would say. I want to see new things. I want more than this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want someone to give a shit about the things that I want. People tell me to work for things but I am fucking working and all I get from it is being tired and stressed and just enough money to go back to work. What is the fucking point of this shit. I have said I want to do alot of things and people pretty much tell me I can't do them and even if I did get to do them nobody would probably give a shit. People tell me to set realistic goals but for me thats boring because my reality is fucking lame. maybe im just a bitch, but that makes me even more depressed to think. I really want to die badly. I am sorry for being a bitch but ive lost it i think....

I want respect and money

Why? Will that make you feel better? Say you have your million in the bank, what would you do with it? 

If you want respect, then do something altruistic that's worthy of respect, you'll feel far richer for that. 

Your right, none of this is real really, it's all just fake unless you go after the things that really matter, take care of your health firstly, eat enough good clean carbs by the truck load to facilitate what you really want in life and heal up, when we feel depressed it's 99% of the time something that's physically wrong with us. And who gives a monkeys what people think of what you want to do in life.

You are not alone Steven. I feel the same as you. I hide a lot of feelings inside when I'm around others who wouldn't understand me. I've had and have some health problems. At times I feel like I'm not moving forward at all. I feel like society is pushing a lot of pressure on me to live a certain way and have certain things.

It is only when I meditate and focus on my inner self that I learn that everything I want; a girlfriend, money, physical things, freedom to be myself, I already have inside myself. I am always here to love myself no matter what, I don't need another person to love me. Money will never help me feel closer to my inner self, I don't need money. Physical things will not improve the connection I have with my mind and body, it goes beyond physical things or urges. I always have the freedom to express myself to my inner self, I don't need another person to voice my thoughts too.

I am never alone when I have myself. And neither are you. Life is full of suffering, but through suffering we understand what real love is. Remember you can always find real love in yourself. You don't others, you don't need this forum, you don't need me.

Sure we can always talk in this forum if you want, but you have so much power inside yourself already. You just have to give yourself a chance.

I see the light shinning in you as it is the same light shinning in me,

Namaste

-Brian

Well mainly I feel stressed from work and I dont know how long I can keep doing it. I feel more and more tired every day and more and more heavy. My stress levels are going up. I just dont have it in me to work that hard espescially living on carbs only. I lose sleep knowing I have to get up in the morning to go back to work. I dont get paid enough to feel like I am making good progress in life. There are no good jobs here unless you are like a college professor. The customers I deal with at my job are for the most part shitty, fat people living off welfare with too many cats or dogs to take care of. Their houses almost all smell and have catpiss on everything. The business is losing money and I feel like I have to do too much work because I am returning so much merchandise back into the store and alot of it is disgusting and I am responsible for cleaning it. The other people I work with don't help me much. I have to bring furniture out on the showroom, stage it for delivieries, quality assure all merchendise(clean it) load it on the truck(sometimes down 3 flights of stairs with heavy ass furniture) and now the back warehouse is full of stuff to where I have to move 10 things just to move one. My boss is complaining that he cant do inventory easily enough and expects me to organize everything to his liking. I have organized it to the best of my ability like 20 times and he always ends up complaining that its not easy enough. I tell them we need to do something drastic to sell some of our furniture like a clearance sale but hes only willing to mark down the really crappy furniture and says "the computer wont let me mark it down anymore". Most of the shit we have is overpriced. Only dumb trailer trash rednecks are stupid enough to lease from there and they are so fucking annoying to deal with. I dont get any tips after moving heavy stuff for people. People always complain about something to try and get free merchendise or money off their agreement. They also send me to go collect money by knocking on peoples doors and people yell at me often. My boss doesnt keep shit strait so alot of customers get angry. I can tell everyone hates working there but nobody can find a better job. My knees are starting to get sore, my shoulder has been feeling some tightness. This job is just all around hard and because of bad economy I cant get a better job. All the easy jobs go to pretty college students who have rich parents. Yes, it would be nice to be able to "get in touch with my inner self" but I dont even know what that means. I am selling myself to pay the bills because thats what I have to do. I wish I could be one of those "life is abundant" hippies but I honestly dont believe anything like that. I am trying this 30bananasaday and honestly it kinda sucks balls. Bananas get old fast and I have my doubts that it is helping with my candida issues at all. I am going to continue doing this in hopes of getting better, but for now I am miserable. I think about suicide every morning and all day at work. I feel like the only thing that would improve my life is to not have to work anymore, or at least alot less. Every job I have ever had is always the same, I work hard and dont get any promotions. Boss always says company isnt making enough money. I really dont even believe the company is losing money but that is what the boss always says to me. Either way im stressing the fuk out and im sick of this shit. I am sick of life being so competitive and having to try and play by other peoples rules.

I used to work at a grocery store working horrible hours, making barely minimum wage, had to handle disgruntled customers, and I constantly watched unhealthy people buy very unhealthy things. I lived with my folks. Couldn't afford gas so I rode my bike. There was no real advancement in the company and the only other jobs in the area were at Mcdonalds and Taco Time.

It felt like I had no control over my life. Every night though for 30min I'd sit in my room and count.... One, when I inhale.... Two, when I exhale. One....two.....one......two. Seemed silly at first, but after a few times I found that everything outside of myself that I have no control over just disappeared and I became very mindful of where I was and how I felt in that particular moment. I learned that I could control how I felt by focusing on my breaths. This helped me a lot.

Tomorrow is never quite the same as today. If no work is available in your area, maybe think about moving to a different area. A change of scenery can do wonders at times. If bananas are not what you're craving eat some other vegan food. There is a whole world of fruits, veggies, and other vegan food out there.

Eat lots of carbs, get some sun (or take vitamin D), and move your body. Start slow and set goals for yourself. Before I started ridding my bike long distances I started ridding around the block and coming back. Sounds like nothing, but that was a huge stepping stone for me.

I also recommend you read this extremely short book. It helped me get started. 

http://www.holybooks.com/wp-content/uploads/Buddha-in-Blue-Jean.pdf

You got this Steve. I believe in you. If you need to vent in the mean-time, feel free.

Sounds less like depression and more like frustration.

Maybe your conscience is trying to tell you there's something else going on out there you need to look for?

Try spending some time seeking out your options, and keep an open mind. Sometimes you'll feel like you're taking a leap of faith, even when you look back it seems like just a small jump.

You complained about college students like you're jealous of that easier life, but college is almost free if you're broke, and with loans you don't need to work.

I lived off of student loans, pell grant and summer jobs for years. In the process I destroyed my credit, and owe a lot on student loans, but it was worth it because 10x the income is nice.

I don't know if this would make you feel better, but for me it did. I have depression and music helps me. I listen to YOHIO and he has songs about depression and it helps get my feeling out I'm going to put a link. Sorry if this does not help.

http://artists.letssingit.com/seremedy-lyrics-bulletproof-roulette-... (this is his old ban Seremedy)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3WZdyhBlrs

hope this might help.

I used to be pretty depressed and I thought it was just who I was until I started eating vegan and working out consistently. Then I later found out that it was a symptom of my hypothyroidism and I healed that too. I made lots of videos about it on YouTube. Its amazing what you can do when you feel better. Fruits and veggies even help create serotonin in our digestive tract. You have plenty of reasons to live for you just have to find them.

i have reasons i want to live, but i am not living them because i need money. and earning money takes away my motivation to get them. everytime i get off work i just sit by the computer because i feel too tired to do anything. i try exercise and feel weak. i feel like my body weighs alot. i feel tired all the time but dont fall asleep easily. i feel hungry all the time but dont feel like i get anything from my food.

i am sorry for the bitching i know it doesnt get me anywhere talking like that. i couldnt sleep last night.... i am trying to not hate being myself thats all

I know exactly how you feel a out the work/motivation cycle. If you know what you want to do then take it one step at a time. In the mean time I would recommend getting a different job. There are other crappy low paying jobs that will at least bring you some peace and fullfiment. Check out vegan restaurants! Smoothie bars! Anything that will provide you with a more positive environment and will help you achieve your goals. I agree with WillPower though about college. If going to school will help you get to where you want to be then I say go for it! Get the loans and do what you need to do. Work on yourself, eat shit tons of carb from fruit and veggies and you will start to heal your body and your MIND.  Maybe Later on you will feel ready to work on top of your loans so you are not borrowing so much. Either way, do what is right for you. Take care of yourself and love yourself. Remember to live in the moment. Appreciate every moment and appreciate the people that you do have in your life. Gratitude is the best destroyer of depression (I know because I also used to suffer from depression before going HCRV). I would also say that if bananas all day is making you crazy you can always eat good cooked vegan food for dinner :)  And most importantly, there are people on this forum that don't even know you but just want to help. That's pretty amazing!

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