I've been in quasi-recovery for months now. Trying to recover from an eating disorder, but not wanting to. I just. can't. bear. the. guilt. And the shame. And the weight gain. Feeling so disgustingly fat. Feeling like a glutton. Feeling like no one will love me if I eat. That everyone will think I'm a disgusting fat lazy gluttonous swine if they see I've gained weight or see me eating anything. I just made myself eat a bunch of corn pasta, and I'm feeling anxiety. I'm about to go spend the day with my friend who I haven't seen in like a month, and I'm beyond terrified that her or her mother (who congratulated me when I lost 36 lbs, saying I looked healthier) will notice I've gained like 15 lbs back. I feel so ashamed and horrible and disgusting disgusting disgusting. I'm not sick enough to recover. I'm not thin enough to deserve food. I don't deserve health unless I'm dying first. Those are the thoughts that go through my head. I can't take it anymore. I can't do this. I can't I can't I can't. I feel so disgusting and fat and I hate hate hate eating.
You have lots of support here Vincenzi! Many have found relief from eating disorders on high carb raw vegan! You are not alone! we have a couple of groups for support you might like to join:
Lots of hugs!!! Hang in there, you can do this! :)
I know where you are. You can do that. You need to eat enough. That's the ed talking, not you. Not the woman who wants a great life.
The more you eat, the less you'll hear these voices. I always need to be carbed up, otherwise, i know i'll be tempted to restrict or to binge and purge.
When I'm not carbed up, i don't love myself. And if i don't love myself, it's easy to engage in ed behaviours.
I know the shame feeling. I understand that being underweight, x pounds became a juge part of your indentity. When i was struggling, it seeemed that all i was and all i could do was being skinny and being obsessed with food and my weight and my body.
It will go away, i promess you. You'll be free if you put effort info eating now. It will be easier. I can't stress this enough.
It's impossible to live with those thoughts. I remember that the thing I wanted the most was to live. I felt like a living dead. Litteraly (and probably looked like oneat many points)
When I gained weight, i started to feel. That's something that doesn't happened when i was underweight. I started to feel, to think (and I'm talking non-food related thoughts). That's painful. I was so used to being "not there"...
Don't be in recovery just in half. I trier that for years. It doesn't work. Jump. It's scary like any other thing I dis, but it works. I don't have strong ed thoughts anymore.
I thought I was dead. If i can free myself, you can. Trust the lifestyle. Listen to Harley's vidéo when you feel the need or the urge to restrict.
It will take time. You will gain weight, more then you're healthy weight. That's what happen. We should be thankfull that pour body heals ourselves like that, instead of being mad.
Trust you. Do things to reinfforce self love.
Right now, i eat startches often, especially because it's wintertime. Don't enter info the mindset that it needs to be 100%. Ed is a lot about all or nothing. Potatoes and rice are great ! Just keep the carb coming !
You will not feel digusting anymore. Trust me. I gained A LOT of weight. A lot. And i don't feel digusting like when i was WAY skinnier. It's a feeling. You need to realize that you are not digusting, that your are beautiful and that you are loved, and that you CAN recover. That you worth it.
You can do it. Trust the process.
That last part was extremely comforting. That even though you gained weight, because you're carbed up, you still feel happy and it doesn't bother you anymore. It gives me hope that I can get better one day and learn to not base my entire self-worth on my appearance and weight.
Today, I'm happier and stronger then I ever thought I could be.
You can do it. Surround yourself with positive influences. People around me are just happpy that I feel good know, even if they didn't think that a high carb vegan diet was a good idea at first. They encouraged to eat animal products. To go to a clinic for ed. I did it on my own. And I'm proud of myself. I feel like if i could conquer the monsters in my head, i have the power to do anything.
Yoga helped me. It helped me realize how my body was. Be connected to it, and my breathing. Do what you love.
Everyone told me that digestion wise, it would be difficult, after all the years of laxative abuse and not digesting much. They where wrong ! I never had a better digestion !!
Water, sugar, sleep, sun, movement !!!!!
Recovering was the most difficult yet most amazing thing I did.
Trust the lifestyle.
When i was struggling, i saw myself as a victim. That was not the case. I was the one making the choices for my life, i was the one in control. And i realized it fully when i started nourrishing my body properly. That victimization hold my back a long time. You need to realize that you are strong, that you choose.