So I've decided to get my eating disorder out in the open. I haven't been restricting myself at all since the end of the summer. It started in March last year, and ended when I found the high carb cooked vegan lifestyle, although I have to say at that time I was still restricting. So, I really don't know when it ended, but I stopped restricting completely at the end of August.
Anyways, ever since then, I've gained twenty pounds. I was 96 pounds when I first got my disorder and then dropped down to 89. Now, after 4-5 months of basically stuffing my face, I am 110 pounds. I was 105 during the cross country season, I was happy with the way I looked, but now since I pulled a muscle pretty bad in my butt from cheerleading I haven't been able to work out all over break and I hate the way I look. I am so much bigger, and stocky. My legs are just big and bulky and my abs disappeared. I tried to fit in a size 1 dress that I got for my high school winter formal dance, and I was too big. I look in the mirror and it's really hard to tell myself to not go back to the way I was and restrict because I just want to look tiny again. I know 110 pounds isn't technically overweight for my height and age (14) but since I've always been very little (even before anorexia) it is starting to show. I feel guilty when I eat a lot but I feel like I can't control it.
Is this healthy? Is my body just trying to regain everything it lost? How long will this process take, and will I eventually tone up/be smaller again?
(P.S. - sorry this discussion is in the Off topic Chat. I wasn't really sure what group to put it in)
i can tell you now a majority of your weight gain is water… HOWEVER let me tell you girl i went from 83 to 112, but you know what else i gained? life… happiness… a menstrual cycle… libido...long gorgeous hair… energy… warmth… and a lust for life.
its time to stop looking at what you gained on the scale and start looking at what you gained in your life.
Well said beezo!!! :D
I nominate for Post of the Day!
That's such a positive outlook, beezo. Thanks so much for that, that sounds a lot like me, although I haven't started menstruating I've finally gotten breasts and my hair is growing in thicker, and I have a glow in my face that was missing for so long. Like you said I need to look at that instead of the number on the scale! <3
definitely. I'm also 5'1" on a good day… I've had an eating disorder the majority of my life. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that i don't care about the weight gain. i hate it… however its well worth it to me. as uncomfortable in my skin as i am at this weight… i know that it will take care of itself in time. patience is key. i lost my period for 3 and a half years and this lifestyle is what brought it back. have faith.
You sound just like me about the weight part! Sure, I won't want to wear a bikini anywhere for awhile, but I trust that I will get where I want to be in time! Thanks for everything!
Honestly I understand where you are coming from and how you feel but I realize that you have a lot more healing to do in the sense of mental and emotional healing. Anorexia recovery is a rough road and it is emotionally hard but it is almost like a rebirth process. Respect your body and let it do what it has to do. 20 pounds is nowhere near insane weight gain. I am recovering from anorexia and when I was at your stage and gained 20 pounds I thought it was insane and I was fat but I went WAY pay 20 pounds gained. I wanted to give up and restrict so many times a long the way but because I almost didn't make it through my last severe run with anorexia I couldn't stop I had no choice. So even though I am literally quite fat I would even obese I am fine with it because my body needed it. I put my body through hell and I am shocked that it held on. I am so glad it did but it barely did and I owe it to myself to give it what it needs. Believe me it took a lot of tears, stress and emotions to get to this point but I am here. My period came back last night after it being gone for nearly three years, next month would have been the three year anniversary of no period. My body is finally at a weight it needs to be at to heal and repair. If I had a choice I certainly would not want to have had to gain this much but I did. Oh well it is what it is. It will come off in time. And the only reason why I gained as much as I did is because of how severely I damaged my body. You most certainly wont gain this much I am sure. But never deny your body anything. Feed it all the carbs and calories it wants and let it do its thing. It will balance out in time. Why prolong healing by worrying about meaningless weight or attempting to deny your body what it needs. Let your body do what it wants let go of the idea of controlling it. Be good to your body and it will reward you in the long run. Don't try to manipulate your body to get results you want look where that lead you in the first place. Heal your mind and your body will follow.
"But never deny your body anything. Feed it all the carbs and calories it wants and let it do its thing. It will balance out in time. Why prolong healing by worrying about meaningless weight or attempting to deny your body what it needs. Let your body do what it wants let go of the idea of controlling it. Be good to your body and it will reward you in the long run. Don't try to manipulate your body to get results you want look where that lead you in the first place. Heal your mind and your body will follow."
Thank you Fruit of Life,
I've been following you for guidance and reading your posts. You give me hope and strength to keep pushing through the tough moments. It's been over 6 months now, feeling many improvements with my body yet even today I still get down after looking in the mirror and have thoughts to quit because the "proof I see" in the mirror and then say I don't think this is working for me...
But I know If I keep thinking those kinds of thoughts, It won't help and prolong my health. Everything you think and put emotion into will manifest in your reality so being self aware of your thinking is the key you unlock to your future. What I see now in the mirror is the result of past manipulation and conditional beliefs.
The other day my father drove 3 hours to come see me. Surprise! I had an anxiety attack that lasted 2 hours. I was thinking he would judge me for gaining another 20 pounds on this diet with clumps of acne on my face and realize I'm not the pretty little woman full of love and light. I was very upset on the phone, explaining my feelings why I can't see him. Crying I said " I don't want you to see me" He replied " I see with my heart" He reminded me of a quote and said "There's only two important questions, Who are you? and What do you want? As then I remembered, and said " Love."
What I now see in the mirror is a beautiful body healing and what I think when I look in the mirror is, what I think about myself matters and I am worth a life of happiness and abundance.
Its a good start.
Remember we are unconditional love and free no matter what our bodies weigh
Wow Amy Jo thank you so much for letting me know that I have helped give you hope and strength although the strength is all you. I totally understand the not wanting to see people because of how you look. I completely identify with that and felt like that and to some extent I still do. You sound like an inspiration yourself don't ever doubt your strength and your wisdom. You are amazing and hang in there, this certainly isn't easy but nothing worth it ever is.
Thank you Fruit of Life! I agree 100%. Past the 20 lbs the weight is still creeping on, and there is no way I'm going to stop it because my body just needs to do its thing. I'm a strong person and I shouldn't have to look at a scale to know that. Wow, no period for three years! I'm glad it is back and your body is getting to heal some more. It'll be a long road like you said, but it is worth it.
The weight gain is healthy! you need it. It might take a long time to get over the anorexic mentality you have created, it's natural to dislike your body. I would find some post-eating disorder blogs, youtube videos, forums, etc. to help with the acceptance of weight gain and health. If your up to going to a therapist, I went to one for a few years for self harm issues and it was so helpful. However, I can understand if your not open to going to a therapist. Affirmations help a lot. Find a sentence or two that encourages you to stay eating 80/10/10 and accepting your weight gain. I took Freelee's affirmation for health "everyday I am getting healthier in everyway." I say it everyday several times a day and post it around so I see it often. Just as an example you could say "Everyday I am getting healthier and more beautiful in everyway." Another trick I learned from the "Hungryfor change" documentary is saying to yourself in the mirror daily "I accept myself unconditionally as is." You don't even have to say that in the mirror, but saying it and believing it really helps.
Stay strong, you are beautiful.