So I've decided to get my eating disorder out in the open. I haven't been restricting myself at all since the end of the summer. It started in March last year, and ended when I found the high carb cooked vegan lifestyle, although I have to say at that time I was still restricting. So, I really don't know when it ended, but I stopped restricting completely at the end of August.
Anyways, ever since then, I've gained twenty pounds. I was 96 pounds when I first got my disorder and then dropped down to 89. Now, after 4-5 months of basically stuffing my face, I am 110 pounds. I was 105 during the cross country season, I was happy with the way I looked, but now since I pulled a muscle pretty bad in my butt from cheerleading I haven't been able to work out all over break and I hate the way I look. I am so much bigger, and stocky. My legs are just big and bulky and my abs disappeared. I tried to fit in a size 1 dress that I got for my high school winter formal dance, and I was too big. I look in the mirror and it's really hard to tell myself to not go back to the way I was and restrict because I just want to look tiny again. I know 110 pounds isn't technically overweight for my height and age (14) but since I've always been very little (even before anorexia) it is starting to show. I feel guilty when I eat a lot but I feel like I can't control it.
Is this healthy? Is my body just trying to regain everything it lost? How long will this process take, and will I eventually tone up/be smaller again?
(P.S. - sorry this discussion is in the Off topic Chat. I wasn't really sure what group to put it in)
Sorry to hear you are having a hard time deal with a little weight gain. What is your BMI? I struggled with restriction when I was your age. I think it was bc of an abusive relationship :( How is your running performance? Focus on your health and you will lean out in time. You will become a healthy young woman that is lean and fit. Get to a healthy BMI and your body will sustain that best long term. :) Good luck!
I am not exactly sure what my BMI is right now, I could check and let you know. My running performance was actually pretty decent, I landed the fourth spot on the varsity team. Thank you so much!! I'll just do what I can right now, I suppose, and let my body do its thing. :)
DR addresses a question like that in his video today! see link: http://youtu.be/dkklpsRhZ0A?t=8m36s
Especially because you are SO young, you're body is still growing so you will be gaining weight as you're developing which is normal. When I was that age I had lost about 15lbs in an unhealthy manner and then the next year i had gained about 25lbs because my body was just adjusting back. Now after a couple years on this lifestyle my weight has completely normalized, but it does take time.
Also your self image has to do with the fact that you can't exercise too, just do what you can to stay in shape (whether that is just walking, or arm exercises) etc until you can workout normally again. Hang in there!!!
Oh wow, watching that video is a relief, I knew something was going on with my body and I'm thankful that it will even out in time. And yes, after exercising three times a day for half a year I just dread it, it's like my brain associates exercise with the anorexia and I just can't find the motivation. Thank you for the help and support!! I'll keep those suggestions in mind!
Very healthy, yay, good on you! :)
Have you read Adrienne's post? How to accept possible fluid/glycogen/fat/blood/lymph weight gain a...
Yes, that post helped a lot, thank you! :) Just need to focus on living peacefully/healthily and keep pushing.
Here you may find support (read all the replies):
Wow, thank you bunches, Windlord! I found so much inspiration from Alexandra! I need to accept that I'm me, my body is doing what it needs to do. Looking healthy, glowing and being inspirational is way more important than being unnaturally stick thin. If only I'd realized this sooner!
Holy cow, you sound just like me (or how I was)--I had anorexia and do XC. Anyway, that's your eating disorder talking there. You didn't list your height, but 110 sounds perfectly fine! And remember that muscle weighs more than fat. I'm 110 lbs, 5'5'', and am still what people would call "skinny." Accept your body. It's beautiful. <3 (Trust me.)
It is a good feeling to know there is someone who has a story similar to your own! Thank you for sharing and for the support, people who have overcome disorders and have learned to finally accept and love themselves are truly inspiring. <3 I am 5'1 and a half, so there is a little flub there but I'm starting to not have a problem with it because my body is healing and as long as I maintain eating enough and doing enjoyable exercise it will even out. There is no way I'm going back to anorexia now, being happy with abundance is the life for me! ;)
Hi, please never calorie restrict. My body is in the process of recovering too. I'm six feet tall, female and weighed just under 8 stone for about 15 years. I calorie restricted because I truly believed food had a bad effect on me - and it did - because I was eating the wrong type of food. Trouble was I didn't know what I could eat.
Now I do, and my body is slowly recovering after years of abuse. The damage it did to my body, I'm lucky to still be here - you're young but your body can only take restriction for so long before affecting your health. After about 3 months fully on this lifestyle I'm regaining my strength and health. I know it will be a long road, but I've been stuffing my face and am now 8 stone 11 pounds.
It is normal to put more weight on than you actually need at the start. Your body is coming out of famine mode, and doesn't yet trust that there will be a steady supply of food. Also remember your body is still growing and you want to make sure it's getting everything it needs to grow properly. Your weight will balance out eventually - it just takes time, depending on the damage, a good bit of time:) Just be patient and stick with it.
Thanks Daffy, I'm glad we both found this lifestyle and are on our way to recovery. Also thanks for sharing your experience; you're right. I'll stick with it and won't restrict, I promise! :)