Deep down, I do want to recover. I've been on and off severely restricting my calories to usually below 1000. I am also a type 1 diabetic. I bought Neal Barnard's book about reversing diabetes, and he reccommends a low glycemic intake sort of diet, where the idea is that the amount of fiber in your food fills you up to prevent over-eating. He recommends staying away from high GI foods, such as sugar, and away from fatty foods. He says I can eat unlimited carbs, as long as they meet those requirements.
But here's the problem.
My mom only gives me $30 per week for grocery money, and I have sensitivities to pretty much all grains, so the bulk of my calories then has to come from beans and fruit. $30 isn't enough each week to afford the amount of fruit and beans I need. Additionally, my mom is very strict in how much fruit I can have per week, because when I started insulin and gained a load of weight, she blamed it all on the fruit I was eating when it was actually the grains (because of the insane amount of insulin I needed to process them.) When an endocrinologist appointment this past month revealed a 4 lb weight gain, I told my mom I was terrified of gaining the weight back and wanted to try a different dietary approach. She said I won't gain the weight back, and she said in a really condescending tone "Well, you were eating 5 lbs of apples EVERY week, and I was buying 3 bunches of bananas a week." It makes me feel incredibly ashamed and small. But bottom line, no matter WHAT the #$%^ I tell her, or how much evidence I show her, she will absolutely never ever let me eat that much fruit again. Just to support my point, I showed her a day's menu example on cronometer, which met 96% of my nutritional needs without even a supplement, and she STILL turned it down because she "didn't think it was safe."
She got mad at me for buying Neal Barnard's book, and told me I should ask my doctor first. If/when I gain weight due to simply recovering from an ED, an ED nobody even knows about might I add, my doctor is going to blame it on the carbs and order me back to eating 1200 calories a day. I swear to god, I'm surrounded by a band of dumb*sses. They all think I lost the weight simply by exercising more. My mom doesn't even notice if I don't eat all @#$%^&* day.
If I tell anyone about my ED, my mom will absolutely not hear me out. She will immediately dump me off on a therapist, who, even if they're a terrible therapist, they will not let me leave because they're stupid enough to believe all therapists are good and must know what they're doing because they're doctors (I had gone through 2 bad therapists. Went exactly like that.) Plus, I know they certainly won't listen to me when I say I need to eat HCLF, because as far as they'd be concerned, if I starved myself before, I can't be trusted with anything regarding food.
So I want to recover, but if I'm going to do that, it has to be secret and I have to get in calories from a source that is both affordable and will not make me pack on weight that will never come off. I can't tolerate grains, can't afford enough beans, not allowed enough fruit, and sugar and potatoes are a no-no according to Neal Barnard, which scares me into thinking that, as a diabetic, they will pack on permanent fat.
So what the heck am I supposed to do? I'm in college right now with only four classes to go to finish my degree and since I'm jobless, I don't have the funds to move out, and since I'm car-less and bike-less, I can't get a job even if I wanted to.
I have been trying to recover for the past three or so days, but I've just realized today that I've already eaten about $20 worth of food (at least) in only 3 days, when it has to last me a week.
I will inevitably relapse if nothing changes, and I'm scared because each time I do, it's worse. I mean, last time I slipped up, I felt extreme guilt for eating a few walnuts in the morning, or having eaten one cup of steamed vegetables ALL day.
What do I do???
Well at least you have found the right path so young and even if you cant adhere to it as much as you would like to right now, everything will come into alignment eventually and you will have an abundance of organic fruits and veggies, you can manifest anything you want! I used to suffer eating disorders for 15 years or so but didnt recognise which foods were the problem so i tried to cut them all out! I wish I had known about this lifestyle before and I am so glad i can raise my children this way learning from my parents mistakes! As for the future near or far, have you looked at this website; a lot of places here you can volunteer in self sustainable permaculture communites in beautiful places all around the world and get your fruit for free!
love and light to you x
Whoah :O Is that like WWOOF? Thank you for your kindness.
Which country would be best to volunteer at to get the most fruits?
What about gluten free/grain free pastas? They are probably pretty cheap and high calorie, and possibly a good option if you can't afford the fruit.
I will check that out next time I go to Target. Are they low GI?
There is quinoa pasta that is low GI, but the ones I saw also contain corn and/or rice. Do you have an issue with all grains?
Yeah, all grains. Corn seems fine, but I don't know about the GI. I'm scared to try anything high on the GI because Neal Barnard hints that that could cause weight gain. He actually recommends splenda over sugar because of the GI, and the high fiber as a way to have lower calories without needing to count them because of how full it makes you.
Where can I find that?
We don't have a Sprouts around here D:
I just wanted to tell you real quick that I FOUND that pasta at my local grocery store!! It's so stinkin' cheap and it has so many calories!! Thanks!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D