Deep down, I do want to recover. I've been on and off severely restricting my calories to usually below 1000. I am also a type 1 diabetic. I bought Neal Barnard's book about reversing diabetes, and he reccommends a low glycemic intake sort of diet, where the idea is that the amount of fiber in your food fills you up to prevent over-eating. He recommends staying away from high GI foods, such as sugar, and away from fatty foods. He says I can eat unlimited carbs, as long as they meet those requirements.
But here's the problem.
My mom only gives me $30 per week for grocery money, and I have sensitivities to pretty much all grains, so the bulk of my calories then has to come from beans and fruit. $30 isn't enough each week to afford the amount of fruit and beans I need. Additionally, my mom is very strict in how much fruit I can have per week, because when I started insulin and gained a load of weight, she blamed it all on the fruit I was eating when it was actually the grains (because of the insane amount of insulin I needed to process them.) When an endocrinologist appointment this past month revealed a 4 lb weight gain, I told my mom I was terrified of gaining the weight back and wanted to try a different dietary approach. She said I won't gain the weight back, and she said in a really condescending tone "Well, you were eating 5 lbs of apples EVERY week, and I was buying 3 bunches of bananas a week." It makes me feel incredibly ashamed and small. But bottom line, no matter WHAT the #$%^ I tell her, or how much evidence I show her, she will absolutely never ever let me eat that much fruit again. Just to support my point, I showed her a day's menu example on cronometer, which met 96% of my nutritional needs without even a supplement, and she STILL turned it down because she "didn't think it was safe."
She got mad at me for buying Neal Barnard's book, and told me I should ask my doctor first. If/when I gain weight due to simply recovering from an ED, an ED nobody even knows about might I add, my doctor is going to blame it on the carbs and order me back to eating 1200 calories a day. I swear to god, I'm surrounded by a band of dumb*sses. They all think I lost the weight simply by exercising more. My mom doesn't even notice if I don't eat all @#$%^&* day.
If I tell anyone about my ED, my mom will absolutely not hear me out. She will immediately dump me off on a therapist, who, even if they're a terrible therapist, they will not let me leave because they're stupid enough to believe all therapists are good and must know what they're doing because they're doctors (I had gone through 2 bad therapists. Went exactly like that.) Plus, I know they certainly won't listen to me when I say I need to eat HCLF, because as far as they'd be concerned, if I starved myself before, I can't be trusted with anything regarding food.
So I want to recover, but if I'm going to do that, it has to be secret and I have to get in calories from a source that is both affordable and will not make me pack on weight that will never come off. I can't tolerate grains, can't afford enough beans, not allowed enough fruit, and sugar and potatoes are a no-no according to Neal Barnard, which scares me into thinking that, as a diabetic, they will pack on permanent fat.
So what the heck am I supposed to do? I'm in college right now with only four classes to go to finish my degree and since I'm jobless, I don't have the funds to move out, and since I'm car-less and bike-less, I can't get a job even if I wanted to.
I have been trying to recover for the past three or so days, but I've just realized today that I've already eaten about $20 worth of food (at least) in only 3 days, when it has to last me a week.
I will inevitably relapse if nothing changes, and I'm scared because each time I do, it's worse. I mean, last time I slipped up, I felt extreme guilt for eating a few walnuts in the morning, or having eaten one cup of steamed vegetables ALL day.
What do I do???
I'm 18. I'd move out, but I don't have the money, and I'm 4 classes away from finishing my degree here.
We have a recycling center in our town, but they don't pay you. Other than that, there's various scrap metal places scattered about.
Today I rode my bike a total of 5.4 miles and made a trip to the store and bought 7 lbs of legumes. I also ordered a book online about how to become a long-distance cyclist. My plan is to keep riding my bike every day so I can build up the endurance I'll need to ride out to stores farther away, which will enable me to have a job without a car.
As I've mentioned in the post above, today I rode my bike 5.4 miles to the store and bought 7 lbs of dry legumes. I looked for the ones with the most calories, and so I got 4 lbs of roman beans and 3 lbs of lentils. I would have picked up sugar too, but I didn't want my backpack to be too heavy.
Since I had a rather heavy backpack on my back as I was riding (containing my bike locks, medicine kit, sugary stuff in case of low blood sugar, and money) and somehow had high blood sugar the whole time (in the mid-200's), I walked my bike a few times when there was a hill. I also walked it when I was alongside a highway and had no road to ride on. Nevertheless, I successfully ran my errands without anyone in my house knowing.
Upon coming home, I cooked up a 1-lb bag of split-peas and ate half, along with a ton of steamed kale, some steamed eggplant, and some steamed mixed vegetables with tomato sauce. Frustratingly, I'm again at only 2000 or less calories so far, but I asked my sister to pick up some sugar while she was out.
I'm planning to hopefully ride my bike again tomorrow, but I don't know if I'll be able to leave the neighborhood with it because my sister will be home all day, who'd probably tell my mother if I did, who'd undoubtedly do something to prevent me from leaving again. I know, I'm 18, she shouldn't be able to control me, but she does, and I don't know how I'd be able to stop her. I mean, I could totally picture her chasing after me in her car and taking me right back home again to be scolded. Any advice you might have to enforce my freedom is very welcome.
"Any advice you might have to enforce my freedom is very welcome."
There will be a point where you just won't be able to take the limited life you're offered and you will take your freedom. I was 31 when I made the final break, so don't beat yourself up about this. Your time will come and, for now, you're doing the best you can with what you have.
You're doing fantastic, learning as you go!