Deep down, I do want to recover. I've been on and off severely restricting my calories to usually below 1000. I am also a type 1 diabetic. I bought Neal Barnard's book about reversing diabetes, and he reccommends a low glycemic intake sort of diet, where the idea is that the amount of fiber in your food fills you up to prevent over-eating. He recommends staying away from high GI foods, such as sugar, and away from fatty foods. He says I can eat unlimited carbs, as long as they meet those requirements.
But here's the problem.
My mom only gives me $30 per week for grocery money, and I have sensitivities to pretty much all grains, so the bulk of my calories then has to come from beans and fruit. $30 isn't enough each week to afford the amount of fruit and beans I need. Additionally, my mom is very strict in how much fruit I can have per week, because when I started insulin and gained a load of weight, she blamed it all on the fruit I was eating when it was actually the grains (because of the insane amount of insulin I needed to process them.) When an endocrinologist appointment this past month revealed a 4 lb weight gain, I told my mom I was terrified of gaining the weight back and wanted to try a different dietary approach. She said I won't gain the weight back, and she said in a really condescending tone "Well, you were eating 5 lbs of apples EVERY week, and I was buying 3 bunches of bananas a week." It makes me feel incredibly ashamed and small. But bottom line, no matter WHAT the #$%^ I tell her, or how much evidence I show her, she will absolutely never ever let me eat that much fruit again. Just to support my point, I showed her a day's menu example on cronometer, which met 96% of my nutritional needs without even a supplement, and she STILL turned it down because she "didn't think it was safe."
She got mad at me for buying Neal Barnard's book, and told me I should ask my doctor first. If/when I gain weight due to simply recovering from an ED, an ED nobody even knows about might I add, my doctor is going to blame it on the carbs and order me back to eating 1200 calories a day. I swear to god, I'm surrounded by a band of dumb*sses. They all think I lost the weight simply by exercising more. My mom doesn't even notice if I don't eat all @#$%^&* day.
If I tell anyone about my ED, my mom will absolutely not hear me out. She will immediately dump me off on a therapist, who, even if they're a terrible therapist, they will not let me leave because they're stupid enough to believe all therapists are good and must know what they're doing because they're doctors (I had gone through 2 bad therapists. Went exactly like that.) Plus, I know they certainly won't listen to me when I say I need to eat HCLF, because as far as they'd be concerned, if I starved myself before, I can't be trusted with anything regarding food.
So I want to recover, but if I'm going to do that, it has to be secret and I have to get in calories from a source that is both affordable and will not make me pack on weight that will never come off. I can't tolerate grains, can't afford enough beans, not allowed enough fruit, and sugar and potatoes are a no-no according to Neal Barnard, which scares me into thinking that, as a diabetic, they will pack on permanent fat.
So what the heck am I supposed to do? I'm in college right now with only four classes to go to finish my degree and since I'm jobless, I don't have the funds to move out, and since I'm car-less and bike-less, I can't get a job even if I wanted to.
I have been trying to recover for the past three or so days, but I've just realized today that I've already eaten about $20 worth of food (at least) in only 3 days, when it has to last me a week.
I will inevitably relapse if nothing changes, and I'm scared because each time I do, it's worse. I mean, last time I slipped up, I felt extreme guilt for eating a few walnuts in the morning, or having eaten one cup of steamed vegetables ALL day.
What do I do???
Lol! :) Our neighbor works at whole foods and gets loads of freebies and 75% off lots of foods slightly damaged or near their exp. date, plus a 10% discount on all regular purchases.
That's pretty sweet! Sadly, the nearest Whole Foods is a 50 minute bike ride away, according to Google Maps. However, there is another health food store a mere 20 minute bike ride away, and now I'm getting really excited as I'm typing this because I think I'm going to ride my bike there this weekend because the town it's in is a wonderful place to read a book, and I might have a resume by then if I get my butt in gear...
My legs will be jello by Monday, it looks like. lol. Guess I'm gonna get that sugar after all, along with some dried beans. My bike better brace itself XD
I screwed up- the other health food store is also 50 minutes away by bike. Fiddlesticks |:(
Even a local grocer will get you some good deals but home health care in the neighborhood would be good too. Just get some independence and it will evolve.
Oh, I will. Now that I have my bike, I am unstoppable.
Update numba 3:
For the first half of the day, I didn't have much to eat. I had white sugar in the morning mixed with coffee (due to my lack of energy, and my ED got me hooked on it) and half a steamed eggplant. In class, my blood sugar dropped low and didn't go up after 2 juicy juices, so I was forced to borrow someone's orange soda so I wouldn't die. (I only brough the 2 juices because I only had one class to go to). I got home later than usual, and had some orange juice and a bit of sugar, and then discovered a bag of dry lentils and a bag of split peas buried in the pantry. I cooked up the whole bag of lentils, put half of them in a bowl with tomato sauce and 2 steamed white potatoes, but was only able to eat half before I became way too full. It feels good to have a full stomach again. Sadly though, I still didn't get in enough calories today. If I had to estimate, I've probably had about 2000.
I'll try to get an early sleep tonight, and tomorrow I ride out to pick up more sugar and dried beans.
Can you tell a family member about this and ask them for 10-20 dollars more? Because you can buy almost an entire box of bananas for around 50 dollars?
Dad's side of the family is all the way north of the country, and mom's side is all the way south. Sadly, we're the only ones living in the middle.
I so love your attitude! Rock on.
I've tried arguing back to buy what I want with the money, but her justification is that at least she gives me my own money/lets me be vegan. It's dumb, but! My sister told me she'd put a word in for me at her workplace, and I have my bike back from storage. No one has the right to stop me from riding my bike away long distance, ESPECIALLY not my mother.
That's really scary about that girl with the tumor! I don't know why I get such bad stomachaches after eating grains, but I do, along with horrible brain fog and a general feeling of sickness. I haven't felt that way since I quit them.
I will use force, like you said, but apply it to the riding of my bike as though it were a car. My mom is so controlling, that she's completely against me riding even downtown, which is a ten minute drive away, and extremely easy to get to. But I don't care what she says. I spent $50 on bike locks, I'm 18, and it's my bike.
I'm so glad your parents are cool with it! Wish mine were. But I'm going to get a job and save up all my money to move 2 hours away. Then I shall tell them all about how they helped me develop an eating disorder.
So what are you going to do?
How old are you?
Kids in SE Asia collect plastic and cans to scrap together enough money to feed themselves. Ive seen plenty of 6 year old kids recycling for $.
Why can't you do bottle collecting?