Deep down, I do want to recover. I've been on and off severely restricting my calories to usually below 1000. I am also a type 1 diabetic. I bought Neal Barnard's book about reversing diabetes, and he reccommends a low glycemic intake sort of diet, where the idea is that the amount of fiber in your food fills you up to prevent over-eating. He recommends staying away from high GI foods, such as sugar, and away from fatty foods. He says I can eat unlimited carbs, as long as they meet those requirements.
But here's the problem.
My mom only gives me $30 per week for grocery money, and I have sensitivities to pretty much all grains, so the bulk of my calories then has to come from beans and fruit. $30 isn't enough each week to afford the amount of fruit and beans I need. Additionally, my mom is very strict in how much fruit I can have per week, because when I started insulin and gained a load of weight, she blamed it all on the fruit I was eating when it was actually the grains (because of the insane amount of insulin I needed to process them.) When an endocrinologist appointment this past month revealed a 4 lb weight gain, I told my mom I was terrified of gaining the weight back and wanted to try a different dietary approach. She said I won't gain the weight back, and she said in a really condescending tone "Well, you were eating 5 lbs of apples EVERY week, and I was buying 3 bunches of bananas a week." It makes me feel incredibly ashamed and small. But bottom line, no matter WHAT the #$%^ I tell her, or how much evidence I show her, she will absolutely never ever let me eat that much fruit again. Just to support my point, I showed her a day's menu example on cronometer, which met 96% of my nutritional needs without even a supplement, and she STILL turned it down because she "didn't think it was safe."
She got mad at me for buying Neal Barnard's book, and told me I should ask my doctor first. If/when I gain weight due to simply recovering from an ED, an ED nobody even knows about might I add, my doctor is going to blame it on the carbs and order me back to eating 1200 calories a day. I swear to god, I'm surrounded by a band of dumb*sses. They all think I lost the weight simply by exercising more. My mom doesn't even notice if I don't eat all @#$%^&* day.
If I tell anyone about my ED, my mom will absolutely not hear me out. She will immediately dump me off on a therapist, who, even if they're a terrible therapist, they will not let me leave because they're stupid enough to believe all therapists are good and must know what they're doing because they're doctors (I had gone through 2 bad therapists. Went exactly like that.) Plus, I know they certainly won't listen to me when I say I need to eat HCLF, because as far as they'd be concerned, if I starved myself before, I can't be trusted with anything regarding food.
So I want to recover, but if I'm going to do that, it has to be secret and I have to get in calories from a source that is both affordable and will not make me pack on weight that will never come off. I can't tolerate grains, can't afford enough beans, not allowed enough fruit, and sugar and potatoes are a no-no according to Neal Barnard, which scares me into thinking that, as a diabetic, they will pack on permanent fat.
So what the heck am I supposed to do? I'm in college right now with only four classes to go to finish my degree and since I'm jobless, I don't have the funds to move out, and since I'm car-less and bike-less, I can't get a job even if I wanted to.
I have been trying to recover for the past three or so days, but I've just realized today that I've already eaten about $20 worth of food (at least) in only 3 days, when it has to last me a week.
I will inevitably relapse if nothing changes, and I'm scared because each time I do, it's worse. I mean, last time I slipped up, I felt extreme guilt for eating a few walnuts in the morning, or having eaten one cup of steamed vegetables ALL day.
What do I do???
Can you get a job to support your fruit eating? You might have to just follow Neal Bernard's book and eat beans and sweet potatoes for now with greens and fruit as supplements, not ideal but it will safely get you through these years of being under your Mom's house. Can you take the book to your doctor and read some key passages to him/her and get an OK on doing that program?
I can't. I'm car-less and bike-less. I'd have no way of getting there.
Also, even if the doctor does okay it, once my mom sees the expense, she'll tell me I need to just do what the dietician told me to do, which is 1200 calories, high protein, less than 225 carbs, and moderate fat, which obviously will not help.
It truly amazes me how stupid she is. I mean, I love my mom, but goddam, she is dense. This morning, as I was rushing to get my stuff together for school, she kept saying "Did you pack a lunch? Did you pack a lunch? Where is your lunch??" and I avoided her question and managed to get out without even a lunchbox on me. She freaking forgot all about it. Then, if I have only coffee for breakfast, and dinner is nothing but 0 calorie shiritaki noodles and steamed vegetables, she is too stupid to realize my dinner is less than 100 calories, and no lunch I could've had at school could make up for the lack of calories I consume at home. I swear my family is so airheaded, and they are such enormous triggers. My sister yesterday for example, casually told my mom as she was eating dinner, that she hadn't eaten all day. There's no way in hell her meal was anywhere near even 1200 calories, and my mom said nothing to her.
And in the beginning, when I gained all that weight, every time I ate, she'd go "that's a lot of food", "that has sugar in it" "that has calories" "that has carbs" "you're eating too much fruit". SHE EVEN PUT A SCALE IN MY BATHROOM. And NOBODY, not even my stupid doctors, even considered for a second that extra weight would happen in the beginning simply because of essentially starving for months, due to the food not being absorbed because of my lack of insulin. In fact, mere weeks after getting out of the hospital, the first dietician I saw asked me immediately if I wanted to lose weight.
And with all the diet pressures coming down on me, I repeatedly said over and over that I felt like an eating disorder was being forced on me. And did anybody listen? Hell no, they didn't. So bam, here I am. I've had eating disordered thoughts for years, but I've only recently acted on them, and now, what do you know, I can't stop relapsing every time I try to get better. I've been in a very rapid attempt recover/relapse cycle for months now. I'm losing the courage to fight off relapses.
Good job, everyone.
I really want to help you, but $30 a week is a very low budget to work with! I feel for you!! Would dates be okay for you to have? I know medjool dates are dense and particularly high in calories, so it would be easy for you to hit your caloric needs, but I'm not sure how much they cost where you are. Bananas can be cheap here too. And what if you bought beans dry, in bulk? They might be cheaper in that case. Do anything you can not to relapse. I've relapsed time and time again in the past and it only caused me more pain and suffering. I'm sure you understand that, but your health and safety is your top priority. Try to find a job that doesn't require you to have a car or bike. Could you tutor anyone in something you're good at? Are there any opportunities on campus for you to earn money outside of a job? I know when I was in college, we had the option of participating in Psych. experiments for money. I would look for anything! Is there anything, like old clothes, cameras, electronics, etc. that you could sell for some grocery money?
Mom thinks dates have way too many carbs and sugar and that they're too expensive to eat every week. Dates were one of the foods she'd get mad at me about. Even though I could afford them, mom would be stark against buying enough bananas again because she believes they're entirely to blame for my weight gain. She's literally argued with me in the middle of a store for putting only 3 bunches in the cart. I'll see about the dry beans... maybe that would work out..
The closest place jobs are available would be quite a long walk. I've tried walking home from campus, which is only a 10-minute drive, and I got a good scolding from my mom. I guess I could try to see if my college is doing anything I could earn money through.. if it takes place at the campus closest to my house. The main campus is a 30 minute drive away (>_<)
So she is completely against you gaining some weight? It's likely that a little weight gain will occur with your past of restriction, even with what our culture considers as a normal amount of calories. Does she understand that? I just don't want her to get upset with you if she sees weight gain, and then not allow you to buy certain things. :/
She's so dense, she literally hasn't noticed I've been restricting at ALL. She is convinced my weight gain was entirely my fault and within my control. Like I said, she blamed it entirely on all the fruit I was eating. Which is incredible, because a few weeks ago, I tried a one-day chocolate mono and ate nothing but an entire bag of chocolate chips all day, and I didn't get any negative feedback whatsoever for how much chocolate i was eating. She let me buy 2 bags of (vegan) chocolate chips, and actually chuckled. Had no problem with it at all. Yet I'm demonized if I eat several bananas in one day, or 5 lbs of apples in 2 days.
She barely even eats, herself. I felt extremely unaccepted by her when I was heavier. She never complimented my outfits or looks or anything, but as soon as I starved off 25 lbs, she complimented me a lot, told me I looked cute, and excitely raved about how we can share jeans now. One day, I put on a pretty sizeable coat, and she said "Oh, you're wearing that again. You couldn't fit into it before, could you?" and it made me feel so INCREDIBLY ashamed. Yes, I would've fit in that coat before. Absolutely. It's not a small coat, by any means. She must've seen me way fatter than I was, and that just triggers me so bad.
Wow! That sounds like a very toxic environment for you to be in. My dad is the same way. I used to eat 500 calories a day, and I asked him if it was okay, and he told me that I'm small so that's all I need. He now tells me I eat too much fruit lol. Sometimes our parents are the ones who send us spiraling back into eating disordered thinking. It's a good thing that you are graduating soon, because once you do, I'd get out of there and maybe do something like that volunteer program Pak Choi mentioned down below so that you can heal yourself away from your family. Also, will your mom let you shop on your own with that $30, so that you can get fruit and things like that without her monitoring you?
Tell me about it. Unfortunately, I'm stuck in my house til August because of a class schedule screw up. I plan on moving out as soon as I possibly can, but I'm so scared of what will happen in between then and now.
No, she will not let me shop on my own with that $30. Since I don't drive, she has to take me shopping and since I'm diabetic, she exercises as much control as she possibly can over my diet and life. Sometimes I feel like restricting as a sort of "hunger strike". But if she ever finds out about my starvation, I will NEVER get out of my house. All the walls would be closed in on me and I'd have no chance of controlling my life again.
Oh man :( Is your mom aware that a raw food diet can help reverse diabetes? Maybe she'd be more on board.
Not my diabetes. I have type 1. She knows type 2 is curable through diet, but she thinks raw diets are dangerous. I'd also told my parents about some potential cures I've heard of, back when I was still in the honeymoon phase and might've had a chance, but they shot it down immediately and told me it was all scams, especially since the doctor says there's no cure.
Ohh oopsies! I am pretty uneducated when it comes to diabetes! I guess what I would do is try to order some of that low GI corn pasta online, try to get bulk dry beans, and get bananas too to keep cost down and calories up. I hope your mom let's you get this stuff!!