you can´t be successfull in life if you stay in an abusive realtionship

Comment

Comment by Lena Merete Jakobsen on November 1, 2012 at 2:26am

Hi. First of all I want to say to you how brave you are for sharing your story of the abuse, here in the community, the way you do. I have compassion for you, and I wish you the best in changing your life-situation for you and your child.

I have experienced psychological and emotional abuse myself and I'm happy I got out of it and have a life now (I have 3 children). It took me 16 years, before I left. I've struggled with lack in self-confidence and low self-esteem, but the beautiful thing is that there are great chances of healing all kinds of abuse we go through. Believe in yourself 'cause you are a bright light, and you are very very loved!

I pray that it will work out for you. From my experience, the most important for me was that when I finally dared to begin in trusting a few around me -the help came too. Turn to someone whom you can trust in your process of getting out and you will heal. Wish you all the best and lots of love!! Blessings in healing, Lena

Comment by Jennie L on October 7, 2012 at 2:04pm

My heart hurts for you. I have been in your situation before- although yours is so much more difficult being that you have a child. Please know that any abuse- physical or emotional is NOT okay. This is in no way whatsoever your fault.

I know how difficult it is to leave because he knows to say all those things you want to hear. It is an endless cycle that will not change unless he himself comes to the realization that he needs to. Odds are with the years that this has been happening he will not change anytime soon.

Please find some support in family and friends and do what is best for your and your child. It is only a matter of time before the situation escalates. Just remember that if he can hurt you like that, it isn't love.

Comment by Audrey Walker on October 7, 2012 at 12:27pm

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this but am happy you came to the realization. Now save yourself and your child before it gets worse. Call a local women's abuse hotline and get some support. Please take this seriously and have a secure exit plan when you make your move to leave.

There will be peace, and love, and safety, and security in your future but you must find the strength to leave now.

WIshing you all the best and sending you thoughts of strength and peace.

Comment by jaime on October 7, 2012 at 4:14am

I would like to point out that you said: "he doesn't take care of the child much (if at all)." And on top of that he is emotionally and physically abusing you. None of which add up to someone being a good father. What is most likely going to happen is he will use your daughter as a means of continuing to abuse you by contacting you under the guise of it being because of the child. In order to protect yourself, I would look into the law in your country regarding spousal abuse and divorce also if you have not already done so. Was the police called at all when he abused you physically? If not, the next time it happens and if your country has a statute against domestic violence, it is important that you file a police report to document his behavior.  Also, consider not speaking to him while you are getting established because he most likely going to be worse to you once you leave. And if you are going to speak to him, make sure someone else is always present. But please seriously consider having a period of time where you do not have contact.

Comment by charlotte madadi-fiorina on October 7, 2012 at 1:07am

Jaime, Tobias H

Thank you for your comments. I allmost left him a few times, but then he was (just like you said) saying he loves me, acting good to me till I´m back.And then after a few days he would start again.I allways thought he was first so afraid to loose me that He meant well by saying he´ll change but couldn´t keep it on long run. But now I know there´s no chance for us. It is over, and for good this time. I can´t  cut entirely comunication with him because we have a 14 month old daughter together and even though he was a lousy husband, he is a good father when he takes care of her...I am already looking for a flat, so I should be out of there soon enough. 

Comment by Tobias on October 7, 2012 at 12:52am

My heart goes out to you. No person should be treated like this. 
It's not uncommon for people to not realise they are being oppressed when it goes on for that long and they didn't know any better. 
I can sense in how you describe your housekeeping that your self-esteem is also probably afflicted by the ordeal (it's very common, I know from close people to me). 

It's definitely worth it to spend more time on yourself, and if the other person keeps blocking that, something needs to change. 

Comment by jaime on October 6, 2012 at 11:30pm

Also, when you decide to leave, I wouldn't tell him about it or even that you are thinking about it, but rather one day just be gone with everything in place and the decision made and communication cut off.

Comment by jaime on October 6, 2012 at 11:27pm

I am really glad that you have come into this new awareness about being treated badly. The one thing I would point out is that you said "I don't know if he loves me or not." If he loved you, he would not hit you ever and he would not be emotionally abusive ever. What you have described is not love, not at all. I'd get very clear on that. Also, be prepared that when you decide to leave, he will come on stronger than ever saying he loves you and at that point you need to be prepared to cut all forms of communication with him. As long as you are staying with him, you are saying I accept being treated badly. Deciding to leave will take courage, but if you want something to change, that is your option because he is not changing. I would start thinking about the possibility of starting your own life and how you could do that and that would also mean having a long period of time where you do not communicate with him or anyone else that communicates with him. What he is doing is intentional, he knows he is hurting you and he gets satisfaction from that and that is different from being sick.

Comment by charlotte madadi-fiorina on October 5, 2012 at 7:32pm

Vice abattoir, you´re right, I never have and never will beat my child.I´m not sick, that´s why, he is.

Rehaim Rog, maybe it was like that in your familly but I know it won´t be the same for me. My husband had 2 long relationship before me (he is 14 years older than me), and he screwed them. My best friend is his ex wife, and he just repeats the same patterns over and over again. I don´t know what you mean with "abusive", there are many levels of abuse. My husband beated me many times, he sometimes halfway choke me, he pushed me so hard I would fall down and every time I would get up he would push me down again. twice I fell inconscient because he beated me in the face.Last time he beated me before my childs birth, I was 8 month pregnant, I started having belly pain, he didn´t even worry he maybe went too far.He wasn´t the type who beat me that I have to go to the hospital, but that was his weapon.I would have run away if he had, and he probably new it.He new how far he could go with me. He convinced me so bad that I wasn´t atractive, that I wouldn´t make it on my own, that no one else would have me,that I was worthless, a piece of sh.. or whatever, that I started (unconsciently) to believe that my fate was beeing with him or die. I lost of view that their was another option...Leave. He is already seeing a counselor, but it doesn´nt bring anything. Erich From (a verry famous psychoanalist from germany, student of Freud) said psychoanalise doesn´t work for everyone, and I would know, both my parents went 30 years to psychologues, they are still as sick and I would even say my mother is sicker than she was. I don´t say the psychotherapie made her sick, but she stayed and became more sick despite of it. I want to enjoy my life, I had enough trouble with my parents first, and then with my husband. I want to feel free and not having to be afraid when that he is gonna come home and I will be afraid to do something that makes him angry (he would get angry for the most little things). But it is not that tragic.Everything doesn´t seem dark, on the contrary. What was tragic was loosing my sanity, thinking I was wrong, worthless, not doing enough,having no joy to live, I was feeling so old, tired all the time (and I´m only just 26, so not a teeny but far from beeing old).He sucked the life out of me, and it may have kill me at the end. I have to be thankfull he treated me so bad 2 days ago, it was the last wake up call. And I´m awake now, big time. I know the ideal for a child is having both parents together, but better having divorced parents who are happy, than 2 parents together, with one abusing, beating, yelling all the time, and the other on crying and beeing depressed all the time. 

Comment by Rephaim Roq on October 5, 2012 at 6:59pm

It's a shame when people who love each other treat one another this way . Have you tried to seek couples counseling ? Maybe he doesn't see what he's doing as wrong . It's a cultural thing sometimes , and it's often the result of bad role models , and dysfunctional upbringing . I know from experience my  father was very abusive to us all growing up , my mother included. They received counseling and have been married almost 40 years as a result. Where there is life there is hope . Never give up hope Charlotte you are not alone . There are support groups and tons of services available to you Whatever decision you make . Although things seem dark , the sun always shines in time . I wish you the very best -Peace 

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