30 Bananas a Day!

it gets a bit unbearable at times.  to feel like you are being labeled certifiably crazy while you look upon the world and see the most atrocious holocaust being perpetrated by your dearest loved ones. it makes me so incredibly sad, and I can't talk about it with anyone in my immediate life because none of them get it. i am lucky enough to have many many lovely family members and friends who support me, respect my lifestyle, know how much it has helped me, but i just get a bit tired of having a friend listen and nod along in genuine understanding and empathy and then go eat some cheesy something or other. it's almost worse than the seething defensive carnist who dismisses you completely. almost, but not really. I try to remind myself that they are in the process of waking up if they are not defensive and feel something for animals, even if that realization hasn't carried over to their food choices. 

This is the greatest heartbreak i have ever endured, and it's a daily dull (but sometimes not so dull) ache in deepest depths of my being.

if i feel so much pain from those around me unconsciously acting counter to their morals, then how could i possibly give my heart to one who does the same without my soul being completely shattered? 

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Comment by Hannah Day on July 17, 2013 at 7:14pm

Thank you for all of your replies :)

This is something that has come and gone for me intensely in the past year or so. Sadly it is something that has gotten much worse, the longer i have been vegan. At the beginning i had no problem, i was primarily focused on health, so i wasn't paying too much attention to the compassionate "side" (now it feels like the overarching umbrella) of this lifestyle. Then, once i had gotten more comfortable with my new strange way of life, and living as an offensive eater, I was more comfortable looking at the animal atrocities and eventually expressing those reasons to others when they asked my reasons for eating the way i do. they were always there, i just couldn't face them for almost entirely social reasons. 

I have always been an independent person, so for the most part i do okay, but after 3 years of feeling the pain of billions of animals, it's worn on me. It's ironic because this lifestyle has helped me overcome severe depression that came along with my eating disorder. i am in so so so many ways just an all-around happier person that i ever have been. Then there are days when the darkness of it all just crushes me and it is all i can do to not just have a complete break down and not move or eat all day. I feel sad not only that we kill animals, but in doing so kill ourselves, and starving children around the globe, and our habitable environment. That carnism promotes violence, disease, famine, and endless other sufferings. i just feel for the entire WEB of broken-ness. It's confusing at moments, cause i wonder if i haven't actually beat my depression. But then i realize that the difference is that when i used to get depressed, it was directed at myself (i'm so useless, i don't deserve to eat/live, etc), and now i'm fine with myself, love myself, etc, i just can't stand the context i exist in. 

I know that everyone gets there in their own time, and i have forever been a strong believer that everyone will wake up at the exact right moment. but when every day you have to censor your most genuine feelings of despair, confusion, longing, it beings to feel like what i used to face, near muteness from not speaking what was on my mind. it's a trip, really. 

I've lived a long time (before veganism) being treated like a complete nutcase whose ideas and feelings are void because of my mental state, so i can deal to an extent. only now my head is finally healed, and i feel crazy all over again for seeing so much that apparently others just can't (i literally have friends who "understand" all of my thoughts and feelings about why eating plants is important, but they are completely unphased when it comes to what they actually put in their mouths; like are you lying to my face?). And i know i was there before...i just haven't had anyone to talk to about this, so sorry for all the rambling. So happy there is somewhere i can spill all of this out <3

Comment by Fiona J. Croft on July 17, 2013 at 4:04pm

The only thing you can do, is exactly what you are doing now. You are being a living example of someone who is in spiritual alignment with the earth and her beautiful creatures. Don't be lonely. Be proud and hold your head high because you are the light and will lead the way for others to see their terrible ways. 

Comment by cody snakemon on July 17, 2013 at 3:08pm

yaa at leat were not still ina fruitloops box bahaahaahaa :)

Comment by Fruity~Hooper~Kendra on July 17, 2013 at 3:01pm
I have been feeling the same way too. Stay positive and thankfully there are lots of supportive people here and great resources!! :)
Comment by Dennis Price on July 17, 2013 at 11:47am

I think my parents are taking some notice over time.  I think a lot of people will when they see you're doing so well.  Just do what you believe in and you will find other passionate people I promise.  That being said, I still havent made an in person vegan friend.  THere are social meetup groups on meetup.com from time to time.  I go to one once in awhile.  Overtime, it will get easier to just deal with other people eating crap.  I don't say much and try to help or answer a question when someone asks.  I feel you.

Comment by The Raw Monkey on July 17, 2013 at 3:52am

Good decision! Sacrificing who you truly are and compromising your beliefs is never a good basis for a loving relationship.  :) 

Comment by DzidziHosk on July 16, 2013 at 8:54pm
I know just how you feel.. It's so sad.. But I'm slowly leaving a slight imprint on my loved ones. Sadly it's nowhere near significant enough. :(
Comment by cody snakemon on July 16, 2013 at 4:44pm

:)

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