The last week has been the most traumatic of my life and I’ve been to hell and back. I’m writing all this in hindsight as I was too exhausted and negative to document it at the time, so a lot of it is a hazy memory.
Day 8 – Bad sleep again due to neck and shoulder tension. Today I fell into a world of fear based insanity where I was having a mental battle in my head between good and evil and I experienced real fear for the first time. Lots of frightening visuals and I had a bit of a zing in my teeth which I remember from the times I took acid in the past. I really had a struggle to get through this and re-establish a stable mind and grasp on reality. I just kept repeating to myself “Love and gratitude” and imagined myself glowing like a bright white/blue light from within as it seemed I was getting consumed by shadow. This got me through it and by the evening I was feeling sane again. Worst day of my life to date.
Day 9 – Slept better last night. Awoke with pressure pushing into my temples. Today I got the ecstasy blues big time. I went through a period 10 years ago of taking lots of e’s (approximately 80 tablets in a 10 month period). So I think I can pretty much say I know what it feels like to come down off ecstasy pretty well. This felt like coming off all 80 tablets at once. Sent me into an afternoon of intense cravings for the foods I used to eat when I used to take this drug. Also sent me into a downward emotional spiral based on feeling a loss of euphoria and connection. I felt so strung out by the end of the day and eventually crashed. A new girl at re-feeding who was sick for her entire fast is great to talk to this about due to her past of drugs. This helped me a lot today.
Day 10 – Got some sleep purely from mental and physical exhaustion. Going through a repeat of yesterday and still feeling the down from the drug. Some more good chats at re-feeding with my new friend cheer me up though.
Day 11 –. Another repeat of the last two days. Nothing really to add.
Day 12 – The ecstasy down seems to be over but I’m starting to feel like something else is coming on. The longer I have my eyes open the wider they want to open and stay open. If I don’t go to bed between meals they get watery and feel like they’re going to pop out of my head. I have a painful pressure behind hem pushing them out. I have heard this can happen with cocaine but never took enough of it to know the feeling so who knows what it could be. Got some bad news this afternoon which really angered me and pushes me to the limits mentally and emotionally. My new friend noticed my extreme state and offered to go for a chat down the lookout out. I really needed to talk to someone about the news I had gotten as I was not coping with it so gladly accepted her offer. She became a guiding light for me and led me out of the shadow that was consuming me. I will be eternally grateful to her for this. I realised this was no ordinary girl and discovered she (amongst other things) does crystal healing and she lent me a crystal to hold in times of overwhelming negativity that really seems to work. My hands just grasp it so tightly it kind of starts hurting. It’s meant to draw negative energy out of the body. I think it’s called luddite but not sure. At times I had to put it down and even move it to the other side of the room as it became too much
Day 13 – No sleep last night as I can’t stop thinking about what had happened. The crystal did help though and today starts off shakey but tension starts to clear by mid morning and my mood begins to lift. I start getting a strange feeling as the pressure I have been experiencing on my temples increases to the whole side of my body. I feel like my left side is pushing to the right and vice versa. I also have a central dividing line down my body which feels like it is pushing outwards. Kind of like I’m folding in half. When I type my hands keep wanting to cross over and I’m cross eyed in my mind. My teeth all feel like they are twisting inwards and my mouth is divided with two tongues. At one stage my left and right sides have swapped places. I’m being split into two. I cried this afternoon and it felt good.
Day 14 – Slept great! I’m on top of the world today and have heaps of energy! The strange division yesterday seems to be gone and it’s like a channel down the centre of my body has been cleared. An emotional negative plug has been removed and I am feeling full emotions for the first time in my life. I can cry when I think of sad things and am more joyous when I think of good things. I’m more excited about life and have less inhibitions. I want to get up and dance! I start thinking about this logically and I figure that this emotional negative blockage has been building up since childhood and been making me more and more detached from my emotions the older and more toxic I got. This layer of toxic food matter/drugs/alcohol and negative energy has been building up in my intestines and my behavior had been starting to reflect this during my later 20’s and early 30’s. I had become very selfish and didn’t care who I hurt as long as I got what I wanted. This week and a half of bowel elimination seems to have cleared that negative plug and cleansed me. I haven’t taken drugs in over ten years so these must have been trapped in body somewhere and were released back into the blood stream to be purged by the body once and for all. Pretty exciting stuff! I’m also extremely hungry for the first time in a week and get my food increased. Also onto pineapple which is amazing! Best day of my life to date!