2013 was not the easiest year, not by a VERY long shot. But, I made that final leap into recovery from an 8 year long battle with anorexia. 8 very loooooong years. After suffering long enough, with the mental and physical effects of my disorder, I started eating unlimited calories from fruit this March, (which i have talked about in a couple past blog posts) and have been healing to new heights with every passing day.
I was thankful for fruit even before this transformation (i was lfrv, but under eating, for 2.5 years before i took that leap to live unrestricted). Now i just want to sing it's praises every day. I am a new person. I am ME for the first time in my life.
To get here took a lot of emotional, personal work. I had to get to a place where i felt worthy of health, happiness, of getting better. I had to want my life back no matter how much weight i gained. Once i got there, i knew 3000+ calories from fruit a day was the only way to make that happen.
And once I started eating enough, it was so effortless. For 8 years I believed that I would never, EVER be free of my disorder, that it would be a daily struggle to feel worthy of sustenance, to fight the urge to starve myself to death slowly. But with a fully carbed-up brain and body, it was as if it just evaporated. That is not to say that left over conditioning didn't present themselves as my mind and body clean up shop, but observation and dismissal of them just demonstrated to me all the more that I was on a new plane. And despite gaining 30-ish pounds (going from size 0 to size 10/12 and A cup to D/DD cup) I am more comfortable than I have ever been in my body.
But my relationship with food and my body are not the only things that have changed. i am different in every way. I used to be a type A perfectionist, i felt inordinate amounts of guilt over the smallest things, over simply existing. I worked nonstop as a straight-A student and didn't stop for socialization, didn't have but very few love-interests, and even within those a very low sex drive. I was quiet and polite, i did not offend. This was all part and parcel with my eating disorder. I operated like a robot.
Now, i am messy, I take breaks. I procrastinate, I am a passionate and candid vegan. I feel empowered in my body. If I am late or someone criticizes me, it does not ruin my entire week.
All of this is unbelievable, and continues to amaze me. It has taken some getting used to. One must learn to function as a human being with emotions, hormones, breaking points, etc. and without the past numbing agent of starvation. But this slow process of self-discovery is the most liberating thing i have ever experienced.
Physically, my digestion is the thing that has healed the most. One of the biggest reasons I felt I had no other options but recovery was because my digestion had entirely stopped working. Within a couple days of eating enough, this began improving and has continued to. never underestimate how powerful pooping is. it is the basis of health!
of course other things, too. general glow/complexion. luscious hair, better circulation (used to be constantly cold, now always the one wearing shorts and no sweatshirt; albeit, i now have some more insulation on me as well), etc.
I was looking through old photos the other day, and i just couldn't believe how much i've changed. i was so sickly before...
There are days that i feel i should be healing faster. my digestion isn't perfect. i have to be sooo consistent with sugar, water, sleep. i feel so delicate sometimes, why can't i just be normal? then i look at old pictures from the past 8 years and realize that i brought myself to the brink of death multiple times. when my heart would skip beats, and my chest would get tight, and i'd wonder if i would die some tragic, oft-romanticized death in bed or in class, or walking home. The fact that my body is healing at all is a miracle, and i am so grateful.
This was me about a year and a half ago:
It is painful to look at. my face is gone, flattened.
my face is full, and youthful, glowing. I just look alive again.
and I'm not usually one to share images of my whole body, but I am so proud of getting to where i am:
kind of dark, but that's me! in other lighting you might be able to see more jiggly bits, but you get the general idea.
Recovery, full mental and physical recovery is possible. Will you gain weight? You bet your fruity arss you will. Will you also gain your health, happiness and your life back? YES! and it is SO worth it.
This lifestyle will not deliver the best, unless you give it your best. I tried cheating it for 2.5 years, and it DOES NOT WORK. You cannot calorie restrict and expect to thrive. We must eat abundantly to live abundantly!
There is much emotional and personal work that goes into preparing yourself for recovery, but I fully believe that getting enough glucose to our brain cells (and all the other cells of course!) is indispensable to becoming you again. to be truly free of your self-depricating thoughts. to truly love not only your body, but your entire being. to be unabashedly you.
Recovery is possible. And you are Worthy of it.
Take advantage of the fruit. and take advantage of all the amazing individuals who are out there to inspire. I could not have done this without Freelee, Harley, and many other supportive fruit bats. So So So grateful.