30 Bananas a Day!

I just need to release what i'm feeling.... (this is quite long)

I dont understand how i can want something so badly, then fail epically every day.  I know i shouldnt use the word "fail", but damnit its what im doing.  i know its all a learning experience, but im just so frustrated with myself.  I want to feel better, look better, be pain free for the first time in 6 years.  Im not going to get there unless i stick to this diet 100%.  I was all gun-ho today. started off with water then fruit.  i went to return a dvd at the supermarket.  As soon as i walked into the supermarket, i got an instant intense rush craving for chinese food.  I couldnt stop thinking about it.  it overcame me.  I knew i had bananas at home and i told myself u can eat when u get home.  I ended up driving all the way to the next town over, ordering take out chinese tofu/veggies and brown rice.  The whole time i stood there waiting i looked at myself in their mirror.  i hate what i see in the mirror.  my face doesnt look the same when i was a happy skinny vegan calorie restricting workout fanatic.  i was happy with how i looked, even though i felt run down and wasnt eating enough.  im not happy unless i look how i want.  plain and simple.  So, fast forward, ate the food, felt satisfied, guilty, ashamed.  I always wonder what would happen if i ran into someone i work with out at one of the stores i was in getting food that wasnt fruits or greens.  I dont want to ever have to lie/explain myself as to why the girl who (supposedly) eats nothing but fruit and greens is ordering chinese or getting dunkin donuts or a frozen vegan meal.  I watched a movie tonight that was pretty sad, cried a few times.  Each time i cried, i got a rush of emotion that i feel so alone.  Lately, my cat is the closest being to me. How pathetic, im a crazy cat lady....but she brings me so much joy.  i honeslty dont know what i would do without seeing my cat every day.  idk if its normal to have that sort of attachment to an animal...but my attachment is strong.  It's probably so strong because i dont have a person i can go to when im upset, or really any other time.  I have 2 close girl friends.  I try to see them/talk with them as much as i can.  Im not okay with feeling lonely, it makes me uncomfortable and really sad.  Anyways, back to the big issue at hand.  I feel like i get triggered by sights the most...or actually maybe just going out to get something.  i have this urge to always get something to eat when im out driving, or that i must get something.  Back when i first started binging, as soon as i would get out of work, ravenous, i would speed right to taco bell for bean burritos.  it's less than 30 seconds from my work.  I think i got in the habit of running towards calories and cravings in my car, that now its what i always did, it became a bad habit.  I have a whole case of ripe nanners, and one case ripening next to it.  i am not wasting $60, i cant let these bananas go bad like i've let countless cases do before out of my own stupid non existent will power.  Will power, where the hell did mine go?!  I was just thinking about this last night in bed, i used to be so strict with myself, have the best will power, now i have zero.  maybe if i tried thinking like i used to, it would be easier.  but then again i cant think like i used to, i used to calorie restrict and be obsessive....but i did have will power.... I cant keep waking up and thinking today is the day i wont binge.  it never works....i need to find a new way around this vicious cycle...  I want so badly to be that shining vibrant healthy example.  people at work must think either im lying and cheat on crap food, or that fruit really does make u fat because of how much weight ive gained....  i sware as soon as i get a craving i go on auto-pilot and cant get out.  I cant think of what else to say because ive given myself a migraine from stressing/crying/ all that jazz......i just needed to write it all down.....i'll be surprised if anyone reads this.  

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Tags: trying, venting

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