Hello dear Frutas,
I must say, peer pressure can be quite a heartbreaking experience.
So as the title suggests, I fell of the wagon. Hard. I'm honestly still in shock. I think it's time for me to come clean with everyone and give my whole story from the beginning up to today.
I've been dieting since I was 8 years old. As time passed by the seriousness of my dieting escalated. Today I am 17 years old. I have "mysterious" scars all over my body because depression got the best of me and the physical pain that I inflicted on myself somehow alleviated the pain in my heart. I know how twisted it sounds, and that it makes no sense. However, you can't judge unless you've gone through it. You haven't been in my shoes.
Two years ago I was diagnosed with Restrictive Anorexia. I was restricting my calories to 200-500 calories a day. I exercised obsessively for hours every day to burn a minimum of 1200 calories. I would take ice baths to lower my body temperature and force my body to come back to a natural temperature. Since my lips were always blue, I bought a blue lipstick and used it as an excuse whenever someone asked why my lips were blue. If I went over my calorie limit I would purge. I was always freezing cold. I always had a headache. However I brainwashed myself into a faux sense of happiness and innocence. Looking back that was my only way to cope with the stress that I put on myself every day. I was always starving. Literally starving. If I had hit my calorie limit already for the day then I would punch myself in the stomach as hard as I could. Then the hunger would be gone. This is just a glimpse at my daily life. Within 30 days I lost 26 pounds.
Since I kept my calorie consumption low for the next year, almost never higher than 1200, I kept most of the weight off. I gained 5 lbs, I think, in the next 12 months. Not too bad for coming from such an extreme month of weight loss.
Then I came across raw food. I found out about Freelee. This was at the beginning of last summer. I suddenly found confidence to eat calories. Calories. The most terrifying word for an anorexic. I started increasing my intake. However only a few weeks later I left for a summer camp in Canada. As a vegan, all they had for me in the cafeteria was salads. They had fruit for breakfast, but no more than 300 calories. I ended up having to spend money outside to buy food. I found a bag that contained a kilo of dates for only 3 canadian dollars. I started eating more cooked food and started eating soy yogurts. Peanut bars. Anything with calories. I binged. I was eating around 4000 calories every day. However since at my camp I was running around literally from 7am to 11pm I think I gained about 8 or 9 lbs. Pretty good for someone who had gone through a year of severely restricted eating. I came back finally and all I cared about was eating. I would eat and eat and eat and eat and EAT.
I finally forced myself into raw food because I saw myself gaining too much weight. I had my expectations. I expected the weight to just melt off, as I had seen in so many before and afters. I was so into the idea that for months I didn't notice my clothing tightening. However, everyone else did. My parents were telling me to stop eating. My friends started calling my chubby. Even some of my teachers started making remarks saying "You're gaining too much weight."
Eventually because of money I decided to switch to HC cooked vegan. Weight just continued piling on. But I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop eating. For christmas my family and I went to Venezuela to see our family. All of them remarked about how fat I was and how much I needed to lose weight. They told me I ate too much.
But I didn't see myself as being fat. I didn't notice the weight piling on. Or rather, maybe I was in denial.
Regardless I continued with my inability to stop eating. I stopped discriminating between foods and as long as they were vegan I devoured them. Exams came by and the stress made me munch through foods I previously feared to even touch.
Then summer came along. In a matter of days I was back to restrictive anorexia. Limiting my calories and breaking my back at the gym. Refusing to socialize because socializing is stressful and stress makes me want to eat. Spending hours online staring and thinspo. Unable to sleep. Cold. But it was alright, because my source of brainwashing and happiness was still with me. My idol was still alive and smiling. As long as that person is happy, I can suffer anything. Or so I thought.
Writing this I feel like a little teenager, which I suppose I am; I saw my idol being everything I loathed. I saw my inspiration being everything I never wanted to see. And I broke down. Just like that. I cried and wailed and cut. Even now I don't think I am quite over it.
I tried to get back into raw foods this week. I failed. I would start out the day find and then break down later in the day. Mass wise, 50% raw. Calorie wise, 30%. Something like that anyway.
So now we're at present day. Today. I was doing fine. Then I started studying and ate the majority of a bag of pita chips. I purged. I purged everything. I purged until I could only spit blood. Since I didn't have a way to get to the gym today I set out to do 7000 jumping jacks. I stopped at 1000 because of blisters.
I'm not ok. I am sick. I am emotionally unstable and disordered in almost every aspect of my life.
I need to get better. And so I have come back. Back to the community that gives all of the support and encouragement I need to stay raw. For me.