Dealing with a loved one's substance abuse...

I haven't written in a very long time, but life has changed dramatically.

I feel that before I was running away. My whole life, since the day I left the house, has been a run. My family has lived with a member who abuses alcohol since before the day I was born. For the longest time, I thought that I could escape it. Children of alcoholic parents often become perfectionists in their own lives in order to compensate for the shortcomings of their loved one. This is something I have done ever since I realized that I could not change that person. Instead, I invested all of my time and energy into improving myself. This was often to lengths that would perhaps be described as extreme.

I am not realizing that I do not have to be perfect. Although I have goals and dreams for myself, based on what I believe is the right way to live for a better planet and world in general, I accept my faults and the fact that I am "not there" right now. This relates to being raw in the sense that we may not "be there" right now, and we may not even know where we are going. But we know we are going in a direction that our hearts tell us is best.

Dealing with addictive people in one's life can cause a lot of guilt and frustration, but I believe that it has lead me to where I am now, which I am very grateful for. I am now learning how to live in the world as a person who is not like others. I eat, drink, a live my life in a very different way from the masses, and don't always blend in very well. But I have made the decision not to run, because from what I now know, you never can escape it. When you love someone and they are abusing some kind of drug, they are forever attached to you. When running doesn't work, we now learn to accept.

We learn to accept what we cannot change and we learn to change the things we can. We find the wisdom to do so by realizing the difference between the two.

I hope this can help anyone dealing with this in their lives.

Much love,

Julie xx

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Comment by Julie on October 15, 2011 at 9:01am: Thanks to everyone who shared their experiences. I have found that as a result of growing up in a home with alcoholism, I now tend to choose partners who have addictions. Even if they tell me in the beginning that they "don't really do it much" or they tell me they have quit for a while, I end up with an addict. It's something that I am really working hard right now to end the cycle.

Right now I am trying to really find my individuality again, because I tend to lose it in relationships. I am also trying my best to just live and let live, without criticism or blame to the other people in my life. This is hard for me because I would really love to change them. I am angry that I let myself get so close to someone who abuses, but I am trying to accept the fact that we don't choose who our heart wants to love. That said, I also see that I need to make decisions to help myself and this might mean leaving love in order to love myself.

Thanks again to everyone who shared their experience!!! xx

Comment by Mike Rawsome Grant on October 14, 2011 at 6:58am: I have been an abuser my whole life. I have an addictive personailty and tend to do more destruction then good. So I have turned that around by questioning myself quite often in order convince myself that the things I do have only positive effects now. I have made great progess, but wasn't easy.

Great story thanks

Comment by Victoria Everett on October 13, 2011 at 3:41pm: great post! I grew up with an alcoholic father. Now my brother and sister are both alcoholics and I myself had a horrible addiction to marijuana.

I just love my siblings despite their addictions :)

Comment by Rob Altadonna on October 13, 2011 at 11:23am: Wow! What a post!

I've grown up with a mother who abuses drugs and alcohol recurrently. Right now she's having a relapse (though I suspect she hasn't ever really stopped) and it's just so draining for everybody. Anyone who's lived with or knows an abuser understands that they always put the blame on those around them for their misery/suffering. There's really no getting through to them in this state, and one thing I've really been coming to grips with in recent times is how unwise it is to try and help people who don't want to help themselves. My dad, sister and I are just so fed up, and we fear it's only a matter of time before something climatic happens. The uncertainly is one of the most draining aspects, and I'm doing my best to just focus on my own actions, attitude and well-being because, well, that's all I can do at this point.

Adopting the 80/10/10 lifestyle (mostly raw) has really helped me in seeing how wonderful life can and should be in spite of any hardships we endure.

Thank you for the wonderful post! It helps SO much knowing there are others who have endured what I am currently.

Peace & blessings!

Comment by Ashley Christensen <3 on October 13, 2011 at 9:35am: Thank you very much for this. I have found the exact same thing happened to me after growing up with an alcoholic father. I spent my entire life being an over perfectionist, to the point that it's hard for me to relax and accept myself. The most important thing I have learned to just relax and take each day as a gift, and love those around us because we are all creations of love and we are not here to judge others but to love one another fully.

Comment by Jules Craig on October 13, 2011 at 9:34am: Thank you so much for posting this, today is my fathers funeral and I have lived with his alcohol abuse for almost 40 years. I can totally relate to everything you have said expecially the perfectionist part. My father had chronic pancreasitis, diabetes and in the end colon cancer (poor diet, alcohol and substance abuse). I spent many years crying over my father and never really knowing how i could end the pain and free myself from this suffering. My father suffered from depression as do I when not following a raw diet. I'm just so grateful right now that I have found this lifestyle because a few years ago I would have been lying on my bed crying a river full of tears and not been able to face this but instead i'm now happy enough to be able to transform this loss into something positive. So to my father, I thank you for all you have taught me for you are the vehicle that ultimately started my search for truth, health and happiness. I have seen your suffering and choose to learn from this and commit to making the rest of my life a tribute to good food, health and fitness in your honour. xx