30 Bananas a Day!

day 26 - turning a corner emotionally

today i ate: 1 small melon, 10 oranges, 1 zucchini, half a cucumber, 5 tomatoes, 4 ryvita and (yikes!) nearly all of a jar of raw mixed seed butter, and now a few strawberries.

well... i guess i found a mixed seed butter tree and had all my fat in one day from that!

the first half of today was spent talking with my lovely, in a not always conscious or helpful fashion, and then bingeing on said butter :-(( my tummy REALLY HURTS. i MUST REMEMBER THIS FEELING.
and then i set up my makeshift sauna and spent several hours sweating, and writing and trying to consciously work out what is going on for me.
i was focussing on anger, as i see that this is my big problem emotionally. i am going to do a long post about this at some point as i wrote ALOT today and it felt really productive.
this anger is related to my food cravings and my (now :-(() inability to maintain 100%LFRV, so understanding it is imperative. i also think that it is somewhere at the heart of my CFS/ME (not that it isn't a real physical thing you understand). so its big stuff. but going back to food, basically i see this as self harming activity. i eat what i know is not good for me when i don't love myself. simple. and i want to love myself! i don't want to be angry with myself! and when i let that anger out, that's when i self harm, and the easiest way to do that is to eat crap, and then suffer (like now). i'm too much of a wimp for cutting and stuff.
so what am i going to do now.
i need to get through the next few days of cravings. my plan is, every time i have a craving i will eat a banana and write about what i am feeling and thinking, however bizarre. and i will CONSCIOUSLY LOVE MYSELF.
i will also look for signs of suppressed anger, and try and articulate them in an appropriate fashion.


thanks for reading :-))
much love
emma xxx

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Comment by catalyst on June 19, 2009 at 7:41pm
no, i think its great you commented! i'm writing such personal stuff here because i'm hoping it will help me by making it more public and open. i have a history of hiding my food bingeing, but no more. i even told my hardcore vegan bf that i ate a cheese sandwich. he's not well happy, but i'm glad i didn't hide it from him.
let me know how the banana thing goes :-)) and i will too.
Comment by tushie on June 19, 2009 at 7:41am
hi emma, hope you dont mind me commenting on something so personal:) i know that sounds weird but i know exactly how you feel and i do exactly the same thing and ive been doing it for years and still havent worked out how to stop the self sabotage... one moment im sailing along, happy, lfrv, selfesteem improving, energy soaring then wham... i binge, then binge some more, i feel crappy, get angry with myself, feel low, super moody etc, selfesteem goes down again, why? where does this self sabotaging come from? SO i have decided to join you on the eating a banana every time i get a craving and conciously love myself too :) i will write about how im feeling to, then maybe we can check in on each other and see how we're doin?! .................. one day at a time. much love x x x

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