today i ate: 1 small melon, 10 oranges, 1 zucchini, half a cucumber, 5 tomatoes, 4 ryvita and (yikes!) nearly all of a jar of raw mixed seed butter, and now a few strawberries.
well... i guess i found a mixed seed butter tree and had all my fat in one day from that!
the first half of today was spent talking with my lovely, in a not always conscious or helpful fashion, and then bingeing on said butter :-(( my tummy REALLY HURTS. i MUST REMEMBER THIS FEELING.
and then i set up my makeshift sauna and spent several hours sweating, and writing and trying to consciously work out what is going on for me.
i was focussing on anger, as i see that this is my big problem emotionally. i am going to do a long post about this at some point as i wrote ALOT today and it felt really productive.
this anger is related to my food cravings and my (now :-(() inability to maintain 100%LFRV, so understanding it is imperative. i also think that it is somewhere at the heart of my CFS/ME (not that it isn't a real physical thing you understand). so its big stuff. but going back to food, basically i see this as self harming activity. i eat what i know is not good for me when i don't love myself. simple. and i want to love myself! i don't want to be angry with myself! and when i let that anger out, that's when i self harm, and the easiest way to do that is to eat crap, and then suffer (like now). i'm too much of a wimp for cutting and stuff.
so what am i going to do now.
I WANT TO BE BACK ON 811 LFRV! BECAUSE I LOVE IT AND IT LOVES ME!
i need to get through the next few days of cravings. my plan is, every time i have a craving i will eat a banana and write about what i am feeling and thinking, however bizarre. and i will CONSCIOUSLY LOVE MYSELF.
i will also look for signs of suppressed anger, and try and articulate them in an appropriate fashion.
I CAN DO THIS.
thanks for reading :-))