Body Perception Issues

I've always been a big girl, even when I was small. I hit my growth spurt in sixth grade, but even before that, I was the tallest girl in my class, with the thickest legs. I wasn't the fattest kid in middle school, but I was one of the largest. I remember being eleven and noticing in an Archie comic that Veronica weighed the same I did- 110lbs. It freaked me out.

My high school weight was about 170... and this is after a severe bout with respiratory issues in the winter of my senior year. I've always been pear shaped, I had a relatively small waist and a huge behind, hips and thighs. When I was in my mid-twenties, my breasts filled out, and are a large b, or small c now. Because I "always had a small waist" I didn't think much of the rest of me. Mirrors don't tend to go all the way down to the knee, you know?

I've done all the classic fat-girl-in-denial things; talked bad about skinny women, (especially skinny women in their cups) gloated in my natural body heat, and let the sweet talk of guys who are into chubby girls sway me into complacency.

I'd like to stop. I'm around 214/215 now... (when once I boasted about being 203! More than two or three years ago, I thought that was pretty good for me!) And I have trouble believing that one day, if I'm good about this new diet (eating *over* 1250 calories a day to make my weight goals? 3000 calories a day for optimum health? Oh, MAN.) that I will have thin legs, or thighs that go straight up instead of speading out wide to meet my wide hips.

I just want to be able to buy pants. Ladies pants, you know, office pants. I've never been able to wear them without them looking like bell bottoms. Or buy leather pants! Or wear a pencil skirt.

There's being curvy, and there's having an ass that won't quit (I've been called both)... and I just want to believe that I don't have to be fat to still be those.

But I'm hoping.

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Comment by Mara Cordova on April 22, 2012 at 6:20pm: Good point- I hadn't thought to differentiate... it's good to be reminded to be more mindful not just in actions, but in how we communicate. I love the look of bamboo fabric, and I'd be just as happy with a synthetic- although, to be fair, not all 'vegan leather' is eco-friendly. The point I was trying to make was to be able to *have the option* of wearing clothing that is less forgiving when it comes to body shape.

Comment by pradtf on April 22, 2012 at 12:19pm: A large part of this lifestyle is VEGAN--please respect the animals enough to not only not buy their carcasses and excretions, but not buy their skins as well.

excellent point alexandra!

leather is clearly not vegan and supports the imprisonment, exploitation, abuse and murder of animals. it's a horrid industry too and not just an offshoot of meat production (as some people are led to believe).

keep working at it mara! you'll make the changes you are seeking as you've seen so many other here have!

in friendship,

prad

Comment by Alexandra R. on April 22, 2012 at 11:44am: Can you buy fake-leather pants instead of real leather?

A large part of this lifestyle is VEGAN--please respect the animals enough to not only not buy their carcasses and excretions, but not buy their skins as well.

Thank you.

Comment by Chase Trrellert on April 22, 2012 at 9:20am: Whatever your goal is now if you stick to this diet your entire perspective on life will more than likely change and thus will bring you closer to being happy with 'yourself' no matter what your bodily form looks like.

Keep us updated :)