I fell off the wagon. I'm back. Here's my full and honest story.

Hello dear Frutas,

I must say, peer pressure can be quite a heartbreaking experience.

So as the title suggests, I fell of the wagon. Hard. I'm honestly still in shock. I think it's time for me to come clean with everyone and give my whole story from the beginning up to today.

I've been dieting since I was 8 years old. As time passed by the seriousness of my dieting escalated. Today I am 17 years old. I have "mysterious" scars all over my body because depression got the best of me and the physical pain that I inflicted on myself somehow alleviated the pain in my heart. I know how twisted it sounds, and that it makes no sense. However, you can't judge unless you've gone through it. You haven't been in my shoes.

Two years ago I was diagnosed with Restrictive Anorexia. I was restricting my calories to 200-500 calories a day. I exercised obsessively for hours every day to burn a minimum of 1200 calories. I would take ice baths to lower my body temperature and force my body to come back to a natural temperature. Since my lips were always blue, I bought a blue lipstick and used it as an excuse whenever someone asked why my lips were blue. If I went over my calorie limit I would purge. I was always freezing cold. I always had a headache. However I brainwashed myself into a faux sense of happiness and innocence. Looking back that was my only way to cope with the stress that I put on myself every day. I was always starving. Literally starving. If I had hit my calorie limit already for the day then I would punch myself in the stomach as hard as I could. Then the hunger would be gone. This is just a glimpse at my daily life. Within 30 days I lost 26 pounds.

Since I kept my calorie consumption low for the next year, almost never higher than 1200, I kept most of the weight off. I gained 5 lbs, I think, in the next 12 months. Not too bad for coming from such an extreme month of weight loss.

Then I came across raw food. I found out about Freelee. This was at the beginning of last summer. I suddenly found confidence to eat calories. Calories. The most terrifying word for an anorexic. I started increasing my intake. However only a few weeks later I left for a summer camp in Canada. As a vegan, all they had for me in the cafeteria was salads. They had fruit for breakfast, but no more than 300 calories. I ended up having to spend money outside to buy food. I found a bag that contained a kilo of dates for only 3 canadian dollars. I started eating more cooked food and started eating soy yogurts. Peanut bars. Anything with calories. I binged. I was eating around 4000 calories every day. However since at my camp I was running around literally from 7am to 11pm I think I gained about 8 or 9 lbs. Pretty good for someone who had gone through a year of severely restricted eating. I came back finally and all I cared about was eating. I would eat and eat and eat and eat and EAT.

I finally forced myself into raw food because I saw myself gaining too much weight. I had my expectations. I expected the weight to just melt off, as I had seen in so many before and afters. I was so into the idea that for months I didn't notice my clothing tightening. However, everyone else did. My parents were telling me to stop eating. My friends started calling my chubby. Even some of my teachers started making remarks saying "You're gaining too much weight."

Eventually because of money I decided to switch to HC cooked vegan. Weight just continued piling on. But I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop eating. For christmas my family and I went to Venezuela to see our family. All of them remarked about how fat I was and how much I needed to lose weight. They told me I ate too much.

But I didn't see myself as being fat. I didn't notice the weight piling on. Or rather, maybe I was in denial.

Regardless I continued with my inability to stop eating. I stopped discriminating between foods and as long as they were vegan I devoured them. Exams came by and the stress made me munch through foods I previously feared to even touch.

Then summer came along. In a matter of days I was back to restrictive anorexia. Limiting my calories and breaking my back at the gym. Refusing to socialize because socializing is stressful and stress makes me want to eat. Spending hours online staring and thinspo. Unable to sleep. Cold. But it was alright, because my source of brainwashing and happiness was still with me. My idol was still alive and smiling. As long as that person is happy, I can suffer anything. Or so I thought.

Writing this I feel like a little teenager, which I suppose I am; I saw my idol being everything I loathed. I saw my inspiration being everything I never wanted to see. And I broke down. Just like that. I cried and wailed and cut. Even now I don't think I am quite over it.

I tried to get back into raw foods this week. I failed. I would start out the day find and then break down later in the day. Mass wise, 50% raw. Calorie wise, 30%. Something like that anyway.

So now we're at present day. Today. I was doing fine. Then I started studying and ate the majority of a bag of pita chips. I purged. I purged everything. I purged until I could only spit blood. Since I didn't have a way to get to the gym today I set out to do 7000 jumping jacks. I stopped at 1000 because of blisters.

I'm not ok. I am sick. I am emotionally unstable and disordered in almost every aspect of my life.

I need to get better. And so I have come back. Back to the community that gives all of the support and encouragement I need to stay raw. For me.

Tags: anorexia, raw, restrictive, vegan

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Comment by Emmy Faith on August 31, 2012 at 11:59pm: I think it's great that you are being honest and reaching out for help! When you have had disordered eating in the past, and a history of inflicting pain on yourself, it can be difficult to resist getting back in that pattern when you are triggered. Reminding yourself that you are worth being healthy, and happy is key. Plus once you are eating/living this way for a while and you feel amazing, it becomes easier to want to keep yourself healthy and on the right track - that doesn't mean you never fall off of the wagon again, it just means you don't fall off as hard and it's easier to get back on if you do fall off. Finding some way of connecting with your spirit so you are not so focused and obsessed with your body also helps a lot. You can't allow yourself to look at the "thinspiration", because it is a downward spiral once you start. Find a way to change your mindset about what triggers you to restrict or hurt yourself. If it triggers you that your family doesn't approve, remind yourself "no one knows my body, and what is best for me better than I do. No one else but me lives in my body, and it does not matter what anyone thinks about my body!". I know it is hard to feel that those you love don't approve, but it is much better to FEEL good then to try to please everybody else, because in truth, you will never be able to please everyone. If someone brings up something negative things about you, it's because of their own issues, and people like that will always find something to complain about, whether it be weight or any other issue they can think of. Limiting your time with people who intentionally inflict negativity upon you, especially when it comes to something like your health/weight/happiness is so important!! Toxic people=toxic life. If stress is one of your main triggers, find a way to deal with that stress instead of letting it fester in your body and mind. I find that yoga, biking, hiking & dancing help A LOT with stress, as does meditation (which could just be 10 minutes of laying down focusing on your breath). Journaling also can help. I know this is a really difficult thing to go through, and a lot people will never understand the pain that comes along with it. I have been through many similar issues, and have had many friends who have dealt with similar issues. In a society that pushes a perfectionistic standard that are impossible to reach, while also pushing a diet that will make you anything but that image they are trying to project, it's very apparent why so many girls have issues with self-esteem and confidence. Remember to find the beauty in life and in yourself, and know that you have the power within you to rise above all of this. Just take it one day at a time, do your best, and eat enough fruit... you can do it! :)

Comment by Mr Luke benson on August 11, 2012 at 3:38am: I respect you so much for being as honest as you was in this Blog.

Comment by InTheRaw on August 1, 2012 at 7:50pm: Thank you for sharing and reaching out. Good for you. The knowledge and examples are here to help you heal yourself.

Comment by PK on August 1, 2012 at 3:53pm: @Riela,

Thanks for sharing with us and welcome back to 30BaD, and I extend a hand to pull you back up on the banana wagon.

I am not sure if you saw it before, but we have put together a banana wagon tour with tips and tricks on how to do this diet with minimal impact and what kind of foods to avoid that might make one feels sick and unable to eat enough calories, and some other things too.

http://www.30bananasaday.com/profiles/blogs/30bad-banana-wagon-tour

I am not sure of the state of your digestive system, but a banana island or just eating one kind of fruit for a few days might help you get your body back on track.

And like DR mentioned regarding your teeth, eating greens can help keep your system alkaline, rebuild strong bones and teeth, and good for almost every tissue and organ in the body.

Benefits of Lettuce Greens

I am also not sure where you stand weight wise, but you may gain weight in the beginning as your body rebuilds and repairs healthy tissues. But it is all good. I hope this blog post will give you some insight and encouragement as to what is going on inside the body on this diet. Healthy Weight Gain

And, keep coming back here for more support.

Peace, PK

Comment by DURIANRIDER on August 1, 2012 at 11:18am: Thanks for sharing. I will forward this to anyone that thinks eating low cal is fun.

Get on some b12 shots and watch your teeth cos chances are you will have false teeth soon with all that vomiting.

Sounds like you got some discipline but in all the wrong places lol!

Comment by Windlord on August 1, 2012 at 11:09am: Thank you for your trust and transparency in sharing with us, Riela.

Your situation is obviously unique to you, but you may find the attached conversation, particularly the response by Adrienne, of benefit. Please keep checking in with us. We'll work through this together.
http://www.30bananasaday.com/forum/topics/need-serious-help-again?x...

Comment by Andrea on August 1, 2012 at 4:47am: Like you, I also came from a situation where I didn't have an ounce of self-worth. I have been on a past of distorted eating where I would restrict myself from eating enough calories (i don't know how much calories they were as i don't really have a gauge on calories back then but I would only eat a half cup of rice for the whole day then work my butt off). And then I would come to a point where I would just binge and binge till I drop and then at night I would cry myself to sleep because I know I was causing a havoc on my self(oddly I didn't purge since I have a phobia of puking ;) ). I've been trying to be 100% lfrv for 4 months now but I just had so much fear to step out of my comfort zone, which is sabotaging myself, so every time I would reach that 2-week mark or more of being 100%lfrv I would binge on any vegan cooked food (I eat at least 2500cal/day on days that i do lfrv diet so I'm not undercarbed or something). But ever since I've joined this site (last week) I've been around a good company of friends. It's been really helpful in terms of regaining my own self-worth. I'll be starting again on my 100% lfrv next week and I'll see where that goes. For now what I've done is I've thrown out my weighing scale and prepared my stash for the whole week next week.

I'm hoping and praying for your journey to a fruitful and happy life ahead of you.

Peace and much love and hugs :D

Comment by Greg Tee Rak on August 1, 2012 at 2:05am: Save some money, go for a trip... India ?

It will help you to stop focusing on yourself, I bet on it.

Over there, you'll HAVE TO be vegan, anyway.

Comment by Jon Fergus on July 31, 2012 at 7:18pm: Happy that you feel comfortable sharing with us here. We're all with you, every step of the way :)

The most important thing is to remember to love yourself. The fountain of true health flows from the reservoir of love. Self-love automatically leads us onto the road to health, and loving others helps them to do the same. So my only suggestion would be to make that your focus. It doesn't need to be an ego thing, but just a calm, inner remembrance that what is within you is valuable, in fact, it's priceless. And because what you are in your essence is valuable, you deserves to be treated well, especially by your self.

Also, you're not alone in feeling disordered and unstable. The vast majority of us here can relate; we're either sharing in the same struggles or have passed through them - either way, we understand. Hopefully, by struggling together we remove some of the burden from one another :)

Glad to have you back. Now grab some fruit and carb up ;P

Comment by Sunny Garcia on July 31, 2012 at 3:41pm: Honestly I have gone to quite similar things as you. The whole loosing wieght gaining wieght binging because I was starving, its a terrible cycle. But you know what sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. Just think that with hard work things WILL get better you WILL be happy and you WILL achieve anything you want. You can because if you mentally pushed your body to do such harm then you have the mental power to push yourself to heal.

I know that binge like feeling you get when all that matters is food. Its a tough cycle to get out of but in the begginging when I was struggling I would binge on fruit. (Even though some wouldnt consider it a binge) Because I would get so full with all the mass it takes and at least after that binge I didnt want to purge because I knew that my tummy was fully of things that could help me more than could harm. Unlike other times when I would binge on peanut butter.

You can do this. Its definately hard but it will pay off. Feel free to message me and vent if you want :)