I just need to release what i'm feeling.... (this is quite long)

I dont understand how i can want something so badly, then fail epically every day. I know i shouldnt use the word "fail", but damnit its what im doing. i know its all a learning experience, but im just so frustrated with myself. I want to feel better, look better, be pain free for the first time in 6 years. Im not going to get there unless i stick to this diet 100%. I was all gun-ho today. started off with water then fruit. i went to return a dvd at the supermarket. As soon as i walked into the supermarket, i got an instant intense rush craving for chinese food. I couldnt stop thinking about it. it overcame me. I knew i had bananas at home and i told myself u can eat when u get home. I ended up driving all the way to the next town over, ordering take out chinese tofu/veggies and brown rice. The whole time i stood there waiting i looked at myself in their mirror. i hate what i see in the mirror. my face doesnt look the same when i was a happy skinny vegan calorie restricting workout fanatic. i was happy with how i looked, even though i felt run down and wasnt eating enough. im not happy unless i look how i want. plain and simple. So, fast forward, ate the food, felt satisfied, guilty, ashamed. I always wonder what would happen if i ran into someone i work with out at one of the stores i was in getting food that wasnt fruits or greens. I dont want to ever have to lie/explain myself as to why the girl who (supposedly) eats nothing but fruit and greens is ordering chinese or getting dunkin donuts or a frozen vegan meal. I watched a movie tonight that was pretty sad, cried a few times. Each time i cried, i got a rush of emotion that i feel so alone. Lately, my cat is the closest being to me. How pathetic, im a crazy cat lady....but she brings me so much joy. i honeslty dont know what i would do without seeing my cat every day. idk if its normal to have that sort of attachment to an animal...but my attachment is strong. It's probably so strong because i dont have a person i can go to when im upset, or really any other time. I have 2 close girl friends. I try to see them/talk with them as much as i can. Im not okay with feeling lonely, it makes me uncomfortable and really sad. Anyways, back to the big issue at hand. I feel like i get triggered by sights the most...or actually maybe just going out to get something. i have this urge to always get something to eat when im out driving, or that i must get something. Back when i first started binging, as soon as i would get out of work, ravenous, i would speed right to taco bell for bean burritos. it's less than 30 seconds from my work. I think i got in the habit of running towards calories and cravings in my car, that now its what i always did, it became a bad habit. I have a whole case of ripe nanners, and one case ripening next to it. i am not wasting $60, i cant let these bananas go bad like i've let countless cases do before out of my own stupid non existent will power. Will power, where the hell did mine go?! I was just thinking about this last night in bed, i used to be so strict with myself, have the best will power, now i have zero. maybe if i tried thinking like i used to, it would be easier. but then again i cant think like i used to, i used to calorie restrict and be obsessive....but i did have will power.... I cant keep waking up and thinking today is the day i wont binge. it never works....i need to find a new way around this vicious cycle... I want so badly to be that shining vibrant healthy example. people at work must think either im lying and cheat on crap food, or that fruit really does make u fat because of how much weight ive gained.... i sware as soon as i get a craving i go on auto-pilot and cant get out. I cant think of what else to say because ive given myself a migraine from stressing/crying/ all that jazz......i just needed to write it all down.....i'll be surprised if anyone reads this.

Tags: trying, venting

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Comment by Janna Bannanna on May 6, 2012 at 4:30pm: Great reply Ben! Reminds me of the Tony Robbins quote I say everyday, "All I need is within me now!"

Now Ben, I don't know what time it is there but, GO TO BED!

Lol just jokin witcha :P

Fruity love for everyone
xx Janna

Comment by Eli on May 6, 2012 at 4:30pm: For the megabajillionthtime.. take it slowly. Plunging in while not used to be able to feel full on fruit never works. I've given you so much advice that helped me and seen it go to waste.

Get rid of the mentality of freaking out after you made the decision to go 80/10/10. You probably thought "oh gosh, I'm stuck with eating fruit for the rest of my life" mindset when it came to lunch/dinner time. Learn to feel so full on fruit until you look pregnant.

Learn to feel AS full on fruit when you "binged" on your cooked food. Only until then you should be satisfied and ready to roll. Again, try at least ONE meal a day for a while to get STUFFED on fruit.. Some people can't handle being full on something that society accustoms to as "snack food".

Comment by Jennelle LeMoine on May 6, 2012 at 4:25pm: @ben thanks, you speak wisely and seem to know exactly whats in my head. i definitely need to stop criticizing punishing myself, i am my own worst enemy with that. and that quote seems to be true , "what u resist, persists". whenever i resist more and more, i end up falling off more and more.....i'll read that article u posted, thank you :)

Comment by Iron Clad Ben on May 6, 2012 at 4:16pm: Hi Jenelle, sorry to hear things are going so badly right now. First off, it's OK not to be perfect or even close to. You should not judge yourself so harshly. Everyone on here accepts you and thinks you are enough, you should too. I've been there with the chinese food addiction too, it was one of my last things to quit. I know how tough it is because even after almost 100 days 100% raw, I still think about it from time to time. I know how powerful the cravings used to be. It gets better with time. Can I suggest that you come clean to those around you and say that you aren't perfect with 811 and you don't eat that way all the time? Trying to keep up that lie is emotionally draining, and to some extent probably draining your willpower. Being honest with those around you is a step towards accepting yourself. The fear of judgement of others that you feel is really an outward manifestation of the judgement of yourself, I am making a video on this and will publish it soon.

As for the loneliness feeling, I know that too. You must learn the skill of being happy by yourself, it is something you will get better at it with time. This was something I never did through most of my life, I sought out relationships with women and in most cases they weren't right for me but I did it (and often stayed with them when things got bad) out fear of being alone. Now here I am at age 30 after a 7-year relationship I've decided I'm going to finally learn to be on my own, rather than getting a partner just to not be alone. Any by the way, having your pets as your closest friend is not a bad thing. My dogs are my closest friends, and I do not judge myself for that. It's OK to get along so well with your cat. I'm glad that your cat is there to be such a good friend.

Please work on accepting yourself. It's clear that you are your own harshest critic. I know that very well because I've struggled with it myself off and on. I found that the diet became so much easier as soon as I stopped judging and criticizing myself. I told myself I still loved and accepted myself after I ate greasy chinese food and I knew that at some point in the future, I wouldn't eat is so much anymore, or at all. There is a saying "what you resist, persists". As soon as I let go of that resistance, that fighting myself every time I had a craving or gave into a craving, things seemed to get much easier. The cravings stopped happening. Raw food got way easier. It's a weird paradox. I know it's easier said than done. But please work on cultivating the self-acceptance, it is very powerful. Try going for a week eating whatever you want completely free of self-criticism and allow yourself to enjoy every meal, but also, be conscious during every meal.

Also here is an article on self-acceptance that I really like:

http://www.pluginid.com/you-are-enough/

Comment by Jennelle LeMoine on May 6, 2012 at 4:01pm: @dreamer thanks , it was from the depths of my fruity soul

@janna thank you janna, yes i remember how well i did back then, which makes it all the more tough for me to realize how badly i have fallen off....but i will try my hardest tomorrow and tell u how i did :)

Comment by Janna Bannanna on May 6, 2012 at 3:58pm: People will read because we like to be able to relate to others. Most people won't comment because we can only see so much from this side of the Internet and we don't want to make judgements. In fact we shouldn't make judgments even if we are on the same side watching your life pass by each minute. No one's judgements whether from here or anywhere will be as harsh as how you judge yourself. We are all our worst critics. I remember when you first started Jennelle, you were so eager and full of life, realizing that you no longer had to calorie restrict and were able to get healthy. You know you feel better on raw 811 and you DO have amazing will power, WE ALL DO! Get a good sleep tonight, wake up in the morning, drink so much water that you feel full. Don't stop at one litre. Go to the toilet wait, 15-20 minutes then have breakfast. Make sure it's 1000 calories a least. As soon as you feel like breakfast has digested start drinking water again. Every time you think about cooked food drink another glass on water. When it's been a few hours since breakky have another meal. Do this for the rest of the day. I know you can do it! Write to me tomorrow and tell me how you did :)