30 Bananas a Day!

I just need to release what i'm feeling.... (this is quite long)

I dont understand how i can want something so badly, then fail epically every day.  I know i shouldnt use the word "fail", but damnit its what im doing.  i know its all a learning experience, but im just so frustrated with myself.  I want to feel better, look better, be pain free for the first time in 6 years.  Im not going to get there unless i stick to this diet 100%.  I was all gun-ho today. started off with water then fruit.  i went to return a dvd at the supermarket.  As soon as i walked into the supermarket, i got an instant intense rush craving for chinese food.  I couldnt stop thinking about it.  it overcame me.  I knew i had bananas at home and i told myself u can eat when u get home.  I ended up driving all the way to the next town over, ordering take out chinese tofu/veggies and brown rice.  The whole time i stood there waiting i looked at myself in their mirror.  i hate what i see in the mirror.  my face doesnt look the same when i was a happy skinny vegan calorie restricting workout fanatic.  i was happy with how i looked, even though i felt run down and wasnt eating enough.  im not happy unless i look how i want.  plain and simple.  So, fast forward, ate the food, felt satisfied, guilty, ashamed.  I always wonder what would happen if i ran into someone i work with out at one of the stores i was in getting food that wasnt fruits or greens.  I dont want to ever have to lie/explain myself as to why the girl who (supposedly) eats nothing but fruit and greens is ordering chinese or getting dunkin donuts or a frozen vegan meal.  I watched a movie tonight that was pretty sad, cried a few times.  Each time i cried, i got a rush of emotion that i feel so alone.  Lately, my cat is the closest being to me. How pathetic, im a crazy cat lady....but she brings me so much joy.  i honeslty dont know what i would do without seeing my cat every day.  idk if its normal to have that sort of attachment to an animal...but my attachment is strong.  It's probably so strong because i dont have a person i can go to when im upset, or really any other time.  I have 2 close girl friends.  I try to see them/talk with them as much as i can.  Im not okay with feeling lonely, it makes me uncomfortable and really sad.  Anyways, back to the big issue at hand.  I feel like i get triggered by sights the most...or actually maybe just going out to get something.  i have this urge to always get something to eat when im out driving, or that i must get something.  Back when i first started binging, as soon as i would get out of work, ravenous, i would speed right to taco bell for bean burritos.  it's less than 30 seconds from my work.  I think i got in the habit of running towards calories and cravings in my car, that now its what i always did, it became a bad habit.  I have a whole case of ripe nanners, and one case ripening next to it.  i am not wasting $60, i cant let these bananas go bad like i've let countless cases do before out of my own stupid non existent will power.  Will power, where the hell did mine go?!  I was just thinking about this last night in bed, i used to be so strict with myself, have the best will power, now i have zero.  maybe if i tried thinking like i used to, it would be easier.  but then again i cant think like i used to, i used to calorie restrict and be obsessive....but i did have will power.... I cant keep waking up and thinking today is the day i wont binge.  it never works....i need to find a new way around this vicious cycle...  I want so badly to be that shining vibrant healthy example.  people at work must think either im lying and cheat on crap food, or that fruit really does make u fat because of how much weight ive gained....  i sware as soon as i get a craving i go on auto-pilot and cant get out.  I cant think of what else to say because ive given myself a migraine from stressing/crying/ all that jazz......i just needed to write it all down.....i'll be surprised if anyone reads this.  

Views: 1675

Tags: trying, venting

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Comment by RealLoveYogi on May 8, 2012 at 3:26am

You are in so much pain. At the moment you deal with your pain by eating and then you have consequences that you don't like. Until you deal with the pain, you will obey it. We all do. When people have hurt us, it is understandable to turn to your animal friends. You might try www.reallove.com. It's full of resources to help you make different choices...one step at a time. Good luck.

Comment by Cantaloup Vampire on May 8, 2012 at 2:29am

Why feel ashamed? Almost everyone struggles. Put such things behind you and eat enough without thinking too much. 

When you undereat hardcore, the nasty stuff starts to make "sense" and you start to find reasons why this lifestyle is too high maintenance or unsocial or whatever. Vary your fruit intake as much as possible, even if it is just grape juice instead of water for the banana smoothie. Don't eat less than 200g of leafy greens per day, don't sleep less than 8h, don't drink less than 3l of water, don't eat less than 2500kcal, get out every day and at least go for a walk, get as much sunshine as you can. Overthinking and overanalysing will leave you hungry and craving and thinking you're weak while you're just starving.

Comment by Loveisintheair on May 8, 2012 at 1:05am

I don't think it's all about food  -but about YOU. About you feeling lonely. You can't be doing well on one aspect of your life - health, diet - if you're down overall. Life is not only about food. If your mind is clear, it's easy to stick to your choices, including diet, and in your case sticking 100% lfrv. Yeah, sometimes you may feel lonely - try to be honest to yourself- why are you upset ? Maybe there's something more, cry, communicate with yourself. No one can help you but yourself, you know your life best. I hope this helps. Peace & Love.

Comment by Bananen&Beten on May 7, 2012 at 11:11pm

I also know the cravings.. for more than one year I've tried to become raw, but still I eat cooked (vegan) food. At the moment, I'm thinking about trying it with religion (<- has already helped me with many other things): whenever I feel tempted, I plan to pray for a moment (show my feeling of temptation to God, admitting my weakness); plus: I plan to allow myself to love the food, without any desire to have and eat it (just enjoying the smell, having nice thoughts about it and let it be).

Comment by AndreasOlivier on May 7, 2012 at 8:29pm

I've definitely had similar experiences on the path to lfrv. I've felt very lonely at times too. It's not that I don't have plenty of friends I can hang out with. It's that only two in my town share my passion for eating lfrv. I find I'm a very social person, and it can be lonely sometimes being the only person eating a 10-banana smoothie for breakfast. This is most likely the reason why I'm currently eating cooked vegan dinners ala Dr. McDougall. If I had more lfrv buddies or a girlfriend for that matter who shared my enthusiasm for the lifestyle, it would be effortless. Thanks for sharing. I wish you the best health ever :)

Comment by Fruit fly on May 7, 2012 at 3:59pm

bdw. what about your relationship in between your parents and in beween your and your parents and your sisters and brothers? most of the frustration come from there and food addiction or perfection craving coming from not enough ego from familly background;). Just a clue...

Comment by Fruit fly on May 7, 2012 at 3:57pm

Well, about the lonelyness it is hidden emotion in most of human being, we crave love and light. The thing is, you may start slow, by eating not calorie restricting on vegan}in the best law fat or not overfat, like mc. dugall], once you overcome your fear to not be super skinny and get fit with muscles. Other options is go totally raw and no low fat(work for me, to see the benefit, but still is highly less socialable as high carb low fat vegan, so you choose)....and do the juicy breakfast, then ad green smoothie or salade(huge) in before each meal. and finally start to do even fruit lunch. Bdw. funny I just yesterday wanna post a discussion "so what is your true problem in life, that you ended up being here to be "better"(and no I dont eat your athletic performance improvemence;)

Comment by Jupiterinka on May 7, 2012 at 2:28pm

You're not alone in feeling this way.  You sound like me.  I really do believe that like everyone says, the biggest tip is to get enough calories.  Someone here said in a post that you should try to start the day with a 1,000 calorie breakfast of only fruit.  I tried that yesterday and it worked.  I'm not the best person to give advice (today is only day 3 for me), but before the last few days I was where you are now.  Only reaching 3,000 calories from fruits & veggies seems sufficient to curb the cravings.  It doesn't mean the cravings have gone away completely, but I'll get a mental image of some cooked vegan food that sounds good, but I quickly push the thought away because I'm full enough to resist.  I'm actually eating every 2 hours or so in order to stay full; don't let yourself get hungry  It's working for me, and I don't feel too full or sick from eating too much.  Plus, I feel more energy than usual.  I hope this and everyone else's comments help.

Comment by Jennelle LeMoine on May 7, 2012 at 12:56pm

wow thank you everyone so much for ur comments/tips.  it means so much to me to have people that are helping me help myself.  Im going to re-read everyones posts and write down comments/tips from everyones in my phone to have as easy quick access.  the having fruit in my car idea sounds fantastic, idk why i didnt think of that lol.  i think because i dont like ripe banana taste unless its blended, as weird as that sounds....thanks everyone SO much, it really means a lot.  putting on my game face!! <3 <3

Comment by sannabanna on May 7, 2012 at 12:43pm

I found that quitting the blender for a while really helped me to feel more satiated on this diet. in hindsight, it was because I was scared of taking in "too many calories." I would rarely get truly full for long on smoothies. they just don't satiate the same way/for as long, since they're predigested for you. so I'd restrict from whatever point I'd reach the 2500kcal mark, in fear of gaining weight if i kept eating. HORRIBLE I know, but my mindset took time to change - durianrider helped on that note though ! go to youtube at stare yourself silly at his vid's, and you'll come out a new human being, I swear to god.

then I tried eating only unprocessed fruits, and that helped immensely, since it took me longer to eat, and I got to chew more (mental satiation) which also helped my digestion a bit.

at the same time I'd try to eat a minimum of 3000kcals a day, to try t brush off my fear of calories. and I felt soo much better ! I regularly reach 3500+kcals now a days, even on days where I don't work out ! without any guilt or the like !

I'd also make sure to take in most of my kcal's in the morning, I prefer 1500 for breakfast, then and additional 1000 for lunch, and then I take it from there. If i have any cravings for cooked foods, Ill make sure to eat what I'm craving ! Ill eat anything low fat vegan, with no guilt, since Ive accepted that Im a beginner, and that it'll take time for my mind and body to adjust to living off of raw fruits and greens only. its a transitional progress that no one can know how long will last. so far, Ive been working on it since february :) but I'm good, I'm in no rush to becoming 100 %, I just want to be at peace with my diet and myself.

I can definitely recognize your fear of the mirror, since Ive changed quite a bit physically too. I just quit wearing my old jeans (plural) recently since they were getting too tight. but I won't let that bug me, since Ive convinced myself that Im moving towards a diet that'll be better for my health LONGTERM, and that my body will need time to heal and recover. so, if I'm still feeling bad about my looks next summer, i'll probably start working out like crazy or something ;) but so far, I'm just keeping my stress level at a minimum !

good luck, beautiful girl. and remember that you're not the only one stuffing up regularly. we're creatures of habit, and it wont change overnight. just keep eating those sweet fruits, and eventually, that will have become your new natural healthful habit

love, sanna

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