I just need to release what i'm feeling.... (this is quite long)

I dont understand how i can want something so badly, then fail epically every day. I know i shouldnt use the word "fail", but damnit its what im doing. i know its all a learning experience, but im just so frustrated with myself. I want to feel better, look better, be pain free for the first time in 6 years. Im not going to get there unless i stick to this diet 100%. I was all gun-ho today. started off with water then fruit. i went to return a dvd at the supermarket. As soon as i walked into the supermarket, i got an instant intense rush craving for chinese food. I couldnt stop thinking about it. it overcame me. I knew i had bananas at home and i told myself u can eat when u get home. I ended up driving all the way to the next town over, ordering take out chinese tofu/veggies and brown rice. The whole time i stood there waiting i looked at myself in their mirror. i hate what i see in the mirror. my face doesnt look the same when i was a happy skinny vegan calorie restricting workout fanatic. i was happy with how i looked, even though i felt run down and wasnt eating enough. im not happy unless i look how i want. plain and simple. So, fast forward, ate the food, felt satisfied, guilty, ashamed. I always wonder what would happen if i ran into someone i work with out at one of the stores i was in getting food that wasnt fruits or greens. I dont want to ever have to lie/explain myself as to why the girl who (supposedly) eats nothing but fruit and greens is ordering chinese or getting dunkin donuts or a frozen vegan meal. I watched a movie tonight that was pretty sad, cried a few times. Each time i cried, i got a rush of emotion that i feel so alone. Lately, my cat is the closest being to me. How pathetic, im a crazy cat lady....but she brings me so much joy. i honeslty dont know what i would do without seeing my cat every day. idk if its normal to have that sort of attachment to an animal...but my attachment is strong. It's probably so strong because i dont have a person i can go to when im upset, or really any other time. I have 2 close girl friends. I try to see them/talk with them as much as i can. Im not okay with feeling lonely, it makes me uncomfortable and really sad. Anyways, back to the big issue at hand. I feel like i get triggered by sights the most...or actually maybe just going out to get something. i have this urge to always get something to eat when im out driving, or that i must get something. Back when i first started binging, as soon as i would get out of work, ravenous, i would speed right to taco bell for bean burritos. it's less than 30 seconds from my work. I think i got in the habit of running towards calories and cravings in my car, that now its what i always did, it became a bad habit. I have a whole case of ripe nanners, and one case ripening next to it. i am not wasting $60, i cant let these bananas go bad like i've let countless cases do before out of my own stupid non existent will power. Will power, where the hell did mine go?! I was just thinking about this last night in bed, i used to be so strict with myself, have the best will power, now i have zero. maybe if i tried thinking like i used to, it would be easier. but then again i cant think like i used to, i used to calorie restrict and be obsessive....but i did have will power.... I cant keep waking up and thinking today is the day i wont binge. it never works....i need to find a new way around this vicious cycle... I want so badly to be that shining vibrant healthy example. people at work must think either im lying and cheat on crap food, or that fruit really does make u fat because of how much weight ive gained.... i sware as soon as i get a craving i go on auto-pilot and cant get out. I cant think of what else to say because ive given myself a migraine from stressing/crying/ all that jazz......i just needed to write it all down.....i'll be surprised if anyone reads this.

Tags: trying, venting

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Comment by Celine on May 7, 2012 at 2:32pm: I can relate with you so much. I am sorry youre having a rough go right now. Take it one day at a time, this sounds so cliche, but its really true. I find if I take it moment by moment I dont get so overwhelmed. When I have a craving for Chinese or something unhealthy I dont make it forbidden, I make a deal with myself that once I have a smoothie or a salad I can go get that food if I still want it. Most of the time once I have stuffed myself with the good stuff my craving is gone, but because I didnt make the junk food forbidden, I dont feel deprived and I dont beat myself up for having the cravings. Im not sure if this makes sense, but it has been working for me.

Comment by Jupiterinka on May 7, 2012 at 2:28pm: You're not alone in feeling this way. You sound like me. I really do believe that like everyone says, the biggest tip is to get enough calories. Someone here said in a post that you should try to start the day with a 1,000 calorie breakfast of only fruit. I tried that yesterday and it worked. I'm not the best person to give advice (today is only day 3 for me), but before the last few days I was where you are now. Only reaching 3,000 calories from fruits & veggies seems sufficient to curb the cravings. It doesn't mean the cravings have gone away completely, but I'll get a mental image of some cooked vegan food that sounds good, but I quickly push the thought away because I'm full enough to resist. I'm actually eating every 2 hours or so in order to stay full; don't let yourself get hungry It's working for me, and I don't feel too full or sick from eating too much. Plus, I feel more energy than usual. I hope this and everyone else's comments help.

Comment by Jennelle LeMoine on May 7, 2012 at 12:56pm: wow thank you everyone so much for ur comments/tips. it means so much to me to have people that are helping me help myself. Im going to re-read everyones posts and write down comments/tips from everyones in my phone to have as easy quick access. the having fruit in my car idea sounds fantastic, idk why i didnt think of that lol. i think because i dont like ripe banana taste unless its blended, as weird as that sounds....thanks everyone SO much, it really means a lot. putting on my game face!! <3 <3

Comment by sannabanna on May 7, 2012 at 12:43pm: I found that quitting the blender for a while really helped me to feel more satiated on this diet. in hindsight, it was because I was scared of taking in "too many calories." I would rarely get truly full for long on smoothies. they just don't satiate the same way/for as long, since they're predigested for you. so I'd restrict from whatever point I'd reach the 2500kcal mark, in fear of gaining weight if i kept eating. HORRIBLE I know, but my mindset took time to change - durianrider helped on that note though ! go to youtube at stare yourself silly at his vid's, and you'll come out a new human being, I swear to god.

then I tried eating only unprocessed fruits, and that helped immensely, since it took me longer to eat, and I got to chew more (mental satiation) which also helped my digestion a bit.

at the same time I'd try to eat a minimum of 3000kcals a day, to try t brush off my fear of calories. and I felt soo much better ! I regularly reach 3500+kcals now a days, even on days where I don't work out ! without any guilt or the like !

I'd also make sure to take in most of my kcal's in the morning, I prefer 1500 for breakfast, then and additional 1000 for lunch, and then I take it from there. If i have any cravings for cooked foods, Ill make sure to eat what I'm craving ! Ill eat anything low fat vegan, with no guilt, since Ive accepted that Im a beginner, and that it'll take time for my mind and body to adjust to living off of raw fruits and greens only. its a transitional progress that no one can know how long will last. so far, Ive been working on it since february :) but I'm good, I'm in no rush to becoming 100 %, I just want to be at peace with my diet and myself.

I can definitely recognize your fear of the mirror, since Ive changed quite a bit physically too. I just quit wearing my old jeans (plural) recently since they were getting too tight. but I won't let that bug me, since Ive convinced myself that Im moving towards a diet that'll be better for my health LONGTERM, and that my body will need time to heal and recover. so, if I'm still feeling bad about my looks next summer, i'll probably start working out like crazy or something ;) but so far, I'm just keeping my stress level at a minimum !

good luck, beautiful girl. and remember that you're not the only one stuffing up regularly. we're creatures of habit, and it wont change overnight. just keep eating those sweet fruits, and eventually, that will have become your new natural healthful habit

love, sanna

Comment by Juicylicious on May 7, 2012 at 11:48am: Hello Jannelle! You could try cooking some delicious and healthy vegan recipes for when you are craving something else... Not all cooked food is unhealthy and will help you transition into 100%LFRV (if that's what you want). You don't need to be 100% to be healthy or look good. If you can learn how to make some foods that are satisfying and healthy you can stop with the Chinese take-outs and honestly you'll never want those foods again! I have a blog with some easy recipes which might be good for your transition! cordeliakitchen@blogspot.com

Comment by Aly A on May 7, 2012 at 10:38am: Hey Jennelle, so I actually have a lot in common with you. I started LFRV in February, and it has been a challenge every day. I used to be the same, I would be so hard on myself if I gave into a craving, and sometimes would even just want to give up. When we crave cooked foods, it's not just a mindless thing that overcomes us, even if we know its bad for us and still want it, there are underlying reasons we choose that food. I know for myself I am an emotional eater - I eat when I'm happy, when I'm upset, when I'm bored, when I'm nervous etc. For me, I have told myself to take it one meal at a time. Though I know I will be at my best once I have the ability to go 100% raw, every day it gets a little bit easier. I take it one MEAL at a time, since even the thought of being "good" for a whole day is too much for me. When I get a craving, I always try to eat fruit or veggies first, and then if I'm STILL craving it, I will let myself have it. I don't want to go crazy over here! But I have to say, the longer I stick with it and literally tell myself every day that I can do this, the easier it gets, and the less cravings I have. My first day when I went totally raw was one of my biggest successes, and I was so proud that I got through it! Now I just keep going back to that feeling and it gives me motivation. It's also how we SEE food. Sometimes I see cooked food, and even though it smells so good (hell, cheeseburgers smell good!) I just tell myself that it's not good for ME, and that I need to put my health first, and RETRAIN my brain to crave the foods that are good for me like raw fruits and veggies. And guess what - it's working! I still eat some cooked food every day, I am not perfect. But the longer I'm at it, the easier it gets. And I am much stronger now than I was in February, which to me, is a big success in itself. Hang in there :) And let me know how it goes...

Comment by DesertFox on May 7, 2012 at 10:20am: Its probably not working for you or ever really going to work unless you give yourself a reason to eat healthy. Doing it to be cool or as a fad is not enough reason to commit yourself to any life style or diet. Take it slow and at your speed. What keeps me motivated are setting goals! Train for an event, have you ever ran a marathon? Find a real meaningful reason to stay on track.

Comment by Dewey Kenneth Rivkin Jr. on May 7, 2012 at 10:18am: Hang in there Jennelle. I am a newbie at this, but I know that you can not fail unless you give up. I am a cat person too. When my one cat died over 5 years ago, it nearly destroyed me. Animals give unconditional love. You usually can't get that from a human. I know many others, that are more attached to their pets than any person.

I would say more, but many others have already said it to you. I just thought, that I would chime in to let you know, that there is one more person routing for you. Stay strong, All my my Best - Ken

Comment by molly clare on May 7, 2012 at 10:15am: Jenelle!! I have a solution for your dates...Blend them up and then refrigerate them to make a "syrup" out of them. Pour it over sliced banans and throw some blueberries on top...or better yet, blend up your frozen bananas for "ice cream" and pour the refrigerated date syrup on them! So amazing-- it tastes like butterscotch or caramel. The other day (around 7am) I had like an 8 or 9 banana-frozen treat topped off with dates and i swear i was SO happy the whole day!! It was like the complete opposite of my SAD/binge eating days where I would wake up and get icecream from the freezer for breakfast. This tasted waay better and of course I felt AMAZING and didn't get hungry til one in the afternoon. I hope this helps!

Comment by Greg The Greek! on May 7, 2012 at 9:59am: Ok, DO THIS, EXACTLY HOW I SAY IT, As if I was your Drill Instructor in the Military. Wake Up, Drink a little bit of water, then do some cardiovascular type exercise, jog, jumping jacks, etc. Then after you are done with your workout, have some more water, or orange juice, and as soon as your blood is back in your stomach and your hungry, eat as much of one fruit as you can, and then eat a bit more (force a lil), then go and do whatever it is you do (work,etc) then when you are feeling a bit low on energy, or starting your sad mentality, JAM PACK YOURSELF WITH ANOTHER TYPE OF RIPE FRUIT, then when you are getting home, or a few hours before you sleep, Eat a bunch of fruit, then have a decent size salad, with lots of greens, veggies, and Low to no added fat. Then zzzzzzzsleeep. If you cant sleep do some sort of activity that makes you sleep, as long as its not eating or unhealthy things. If you cant sleep because you are hungry, eat some fruit. Then Wake up, and Repeat.

There you go I have laid out the details of your mission. Don't think, Just do!! Be confident, don't give a S#!^ about the things making you sad. Just Be Angry!! NOW GET OUT THERE AND SHOW ME YOUR MEAN FACE!!!! ARRRRRRR