I dont understand how i can want something so badly, then fail epically every day. I know i shouldnt use the word "fail", but damnit its what im doing. i know its all a learning experience, but im just so frustrated with myself. I want to feel better, look better, be pain free for the first time in 6 years. Im not going to get there unless i stick to this diet 100%. I was all gun-ho today. started off with water then fruit. i went to return a dvd at the supermarket. As soon as i walked into the supermarket, i got an instant intense rush craving for chinese food. I couldnt stop thinking about it. it overcame me. I knew i had bananas at home and i told myself u can eat when u get home. I ended up driving all the way to the next town over, ordering take out chinese tofu/veggies and brown rice. The whole time i stood there waiting i looked at myself in their mirror. i hate what i see in the mirror. my face doesnt look the same when i was a happy skinny vegan calorie restricting workout fanatic. i was happy with how i looked, even though i felt run down and wasnt eating enough. im not happy unless i look how i want. plain and simple. So, fast forward, ate the food, felt satisfied, guilty, ashamed. I always wonder what would happen if i ran into someone i work with out at one of the stores i was in getting food that wasnt fruits or greens. I dont want to ever have to lie/explain myself as to why the girl who (supposedly) eats nothing but fruit and greens is ordering chinese or getting dunkin donuts or a frozen vegan meal. I watched a movie tonight that was pretty sad, cried a few times. Each time i cried, i got a rush of emotion that i feel so alone. Lately, my cat is the closest being to me. How pathetic, im a crazy cat lady....but she brings me so much joy. i honeslty dont know what i would do without seeing my cat every day. idk if its normal to have that sort of attachment to an animal...but my attachment is strong. It's probably so strong because i dont have a person i can go to when im upset, or really any other time. I have 2 close girl friends. I try to see them/talk with them as much as i can. Im not okay with feeling lonely, it makes me uncomfortable and really sad. Anyways, back to the big issue at hand. I feel like i get triggered by sights the most...or actually maybe just going out to get something. i have this urge to always get something to eat when im out driving, or that i must get something. Back when i first started binging, as soon as i would get out of work, ravenous, i would speed right to taco bell for bean burritos. it's less than 30 seconds from my work. I think i got in the habit of running towards calories and cravings in my car, that now its what i always did, it became a bad habit. I have a whole case of ripe nanners, and one case ripening next to it. i am not wasting $60, i cant let these bananas go bad like i've let countless cases do before out of my own stupid non existent will power. Will power, where the hell did mine go?! I was just thinking about this last night in bed, i used to be so strict with myself, have the best will power, now i have zero. maybe if i tried thinking like i used to, it would be easier. but then again i cant think like i used to, i used to calorie restrict and be obsessive....but i did have will power.... I cant keep waking up and thinking today is the day i wont binge. it never works....i need to find a new way around this vicious cycle... I want so badly to be that shining vibrant healthy example. people at work must think either im lying and cheat on crap food, or that fruit really does make u fat because of how much weight ive gained.... i sware as soon as i get a craving i go on auto-pilot and cant get out. I cant think of what else to say because ive given myself a migraine from stressing/crying/ all that jazz......i just needed to write it all down.....i'll be surprised if anyone reads this.