Man, ever since my last post I have been absolutely terrible about the sleep thing. I am just not committed to the sleep like I am to the diet. Every night since Friday I've been staying up playing computer games. I am going through so much, I feel the need to escape into unconsciousness as much as possible at night. I am happy during the day generally, but get depressed at night and seek stimulation usually in the form of YouTube or my most recent re-addiction Warlords Battlecry 2 (a Warcraft-like game from 2002, LOL).
Diet wise it's been a blast. It's been the only thing keeping me sane lately. I ate 6L of mango-pineapple smoothie yesterday, it was FANTASTIC. Took about 80 minutes to make it all, but it was well worth it. I still have another 100 mangoes or so left that I have to burn through before they get over ripe. Having mangoes as your staple vs. bananas is a lot more delicious but also a lot more work. I got some pickles at the farmer's market this weekend. They were cold-pickled, but the brine of course had salt and vinegar in it. Meh, all I'm going through, that can be my "cheat".
My productivity at work is slumping. All the progress I made last week I easily destroyed this week. I don't know why this sleep thing is such a battle for me. WHY CAN'T IT BE EASY???
I saw my wife this weekend for the first time since we separated. I would say it went "well" as in it went as well as is could go. We talked about next steps and looks like we'll be getting divorced this summer. I don't want to complain about her too much but she has just built up in her mind that I am this terrible person and the cause of most of her problems. She is a completely different person than she used to be, so much so that sometimes it's scary. She is so entrenched in negativity and blaming others, no one's going to be able to drag her out of it except her. So I worry about her on top of worrying about myself. I am just trying to get used to being on my own. It's freeing, but it's also scary most of the time. But not as bad as I had initially worried.
I have been telling myself for months that I need to get into meditation. Today, if it only happens for 5 minutes, it will begin. I hope that cultivating conscious will help me from running away to unconsciousness when I am feeling unhappy. Right now the idea of being alone with my thoughts is scary. But it has to happen.