Sleep challenge scrapped - Day 93 of 150 of 100% LFRV

Man, ever since my last post I have been absolutely terrible about the sleep thing. I am just not committed to the sleep like I am to the diet. Every night since Friday I've been staying up playing computer games. I am going through so much, I feel the need to escape into unconsciousness as much as possible at night. I am happy during the day generally, but get depressed at night and seek stimulation usually in the form of YouTube or my most recent re-addiction Warlords Battlecry 2 (a Warcraft-like game from 2002, LOL).

Diet wise it's been a blast. It's been the only thing keeping me sane lately. I ate 6L of mango-pineapple smoothie yesterday, it was FANTASTIC. Took about 80 minutes to make it all, but it was well worth it. I still have another 100 mangoes or so left that I have to burn through before they get over ripe. Having mangoes as your staple vs. bananas is a lot more delicious but also a lot more work. I got some pickles at the farmer's market this weekend. They were cold-pickled, but the brine of course had salt and vinegar in it. Meh, all I'm going through, that can be my "cheat".

My productivity at work is slumping. All the progress I made last week I easily destroyed this week. I don't know why this sleep thing is such a battle for me. WHY CAN'T IT BE EASY???

I saw my wife this weekend for the first time since we separated. I would say it went "well" as in it went as well as is could go. We talked about next steps and looks like we'll be getting divorced this summer. I don't want to complain about her too much but she has just built up in her mind that I am this terrible person and the cause of most of her problems. She is a completely different person than she used to be, so much so that sometimes it's scary. She is so entrenched in negativity and blaming others, no one's going to be able to drag her out of it except her. So I worry about her on top of worrying about myself. I am just trying to get used to being on my own. It's freeing, but it's also scary most of the time. But not as bad as I had initially worried.

I have been telling myself for months that I need to get into meditation. Today, if it only happens for 5 minutes, it will begin. I hope that cultivating conscious will help me from running away to unconsciousness when I am feeling unhappy. Right now the idea of being alone with my thoughts is scary. But it has to happen.

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Comment by Luk on May 4, 2012 at 7:12am: I think you are doing great. I would sugest some physical activity and good time with other people like friends, family, new ones ...

Comment by Iron Clad Ben on May 4, 2012 at 6:05am: Thanks for the support everyone. I almost didn't even post this because I didn't want to be "wawawa woe is me". I appreciate it.

Comment by Peter Csere on May 4, 2012 at 2:15am: I have some good advice for you. Meditation is often pointless for beginners if you just sit there and try to clear your mind. Chances are you won't be able to stop the monkey chatter for more than 10 seconds. It's still beneficial, but there are other things you can do to greatly increase the benefits you get from it. There are a whole bunch of cool things you can try with your mind, googling meditation exercises will give you some ideas other than just sitting there and hoping for the best.

Also try this. Read about the chakras. So you basically have 7, or 12, depending on what you consider a chakra. When you meditate, try focusing on or placing your awareness in each chakra point in your body for a few minutes. Concentrate as much as possible. Starting with your lowest (root) and ending with your highest (crown.) Some beginners are able to release pleasure chemicals in their brain just from focusing on their heart chakra for a while. Probably because the thymus is nearby and releases some brainy chemical.

Try the yoga pose "seated forward fold" while focusing on your root chakra. Can you hold this for 5 minutes? I guarantee great results. Then try some others that are meant to stimulate certain chakras. Google will inform you. Shoulder-stand (actually very easy to do even for a beginner) will allow you to focus on the throat chakra, for instance. It is good, in a meditation session, to work on each one in order from lowest to highest. Trikonasana is excellent for the "bellybutton" chakra which some consider not to be a chakra at all but a chakra-like structure and some consider the solar plexus area to contain a chakra. The technicalities don't really matter at this point.

Adopting some esoteric meditation practices will benefit you greatly, as opposed to what most people consider "meditating" which is to sit there in lotus in a futile attempt to quiet the monkey chatter (this is actually harder to do than what I outlined above.)

Comment by Trina Southe on May 4, 2012 at 12:25am: You are doing so well, considering what you are going through. Do not be too hard on yourself! It is awesome that the diet is going easy for you. I pray that each day will get easier for you! One day at a time.

Comment by Greenmama on May 4, 2012 at 12:08am: Oh, Ben, I'm wondering if you're feeling overwhelmed and worried and tired, and just longing for life to be EASY and for rest to come without effort? Hugs, hugs, hugs...

Comment by For_The_Love_Of_Fruit on May 4, 2012 at 12:05am: Please one thing at the time! Don't be so hard on yourself! I say, you are going through so much, be kind to yourself, and yes, that means do whatever brings you joy at this moment!! ANd if that is playing computer games till 3 or 4am, then be it!! You will get tired of it eventually and then you won't have to force the sleep thing to happen 'cause it will happen naturally.

Also, the work productivity at this point? So natural to experience that! I'm even proud of you that you're going to work!! :)

See, maybe you just need to redefine your definition of success... There's more to life than being on top of things!!

Have you heard of Tony Robbins? Here's a quote from a successful man:

My definition of success is to live your life in a way that causes you to feel a ton of pleasure and very little pain - and because of your lifestyle, have the people around you feel a lot more pleasure than they do pain. ~ Tony Robbins

So... may the joy be with you Iron Clad Ben!!

hehe!

Cheers!

Comment by Janna Bannanna on May 3, 2012 at 8:01pm: One thing at a time, you'll get there, eventually sleep will be easy.
I can relate a lot. Reminds me of a short poem by Jewel "Two many nights"
It's been
too many nights
of being with

to now be suddenly
without

Comment by Mera/Feather Story on May 3, 2012 at 3:18pm: Thanks for sharing...glad you have such an abundance of mangoes at least! Meditation is very freeing and healing for sure, it can even be stimulating in comparison to video games...beautiful imagery and such. I can also relate to how you feel about your wife...it is difficult to let go completely, but try not to worry... I have felt the same way but I eased out of worry and learned to focus more on myself.

Comment by Grayson on May 3, 2012 at 2:23pm: Try meditate before you sleep, and get in bed as early as possible. I find it much easier to sleep if I lie in bed for a few hours and try to meditate which puts me to sleep. Calm your thoughts bro. I can relate as I am in a similar situation with alot of stuff going on around me and you have to let it wear itself out instead of wear you out. Also, try not to eat anything 3 hours prior to bed time.

Comment by mathyou on May 3, 2012 at 10:52am: Deep stuff, man. I'm going through an emotional rough patch too and losing sleep much like you are. It is hard to find an escape when you take drugs, booze, and cooked food out of your life. Wish I had solid advice for you. I think it's just something only time can heal.

Best,

Matt