I can totally relate Becca. Once that binging starts that "Demon" inside takes over whatever will we have and strips us of our dignity! I hate it! But we are here to heal!
Everything you've said here resonates deep within my soul. I feel for you sister! I have been in basically the same situation for 10 years as well. I know what you mean about letting go of the focus on self-image and placing the focus on self-love. Part of me is anxious to drop lbs quickly on HCRV and I find myself getting impatient. I find I have to reprogram my thoughts and guide them back to a place where the emphasis is based in health, vibrance and energy. One day at a time we can get through this!
Stay strong! If you need to talk ever feel free to message me. I could use a support buddy in this long journey :)
I'm Phaedra by the way :)
My story is here:
Hi everyone. My name is Serina. I have been surfing 30BaD for about a month now, and this is my first real post. I just wanted to say thank you, before I filled in the rest of this, to all of you who make this a safe place to share our struggles. There are far too few places in the world that are like this, so thank you. I also wanted to warn you that there is a little bit of graphic information to follow, so please read on carefully.
What is the nature of your struggle with food and your body?
You could say that it has been restrictive (anorexic) and gluttonous (bulimic) as well as somewhere in between (EDNOS).
How long have you been struggling?
I have been struggling for a long time. 15 years or so, but I really only realized it was a problem when I was in my teens. I remember that I first started restricting my calories after I was raped and sexually abused at age 7. I kept up my disordered eating habits for the next three years until I moved away from my abuser. As I grew into my teens, my disordered eating took on new forms. In a desire not to be socially disconnected with my peers while still maintaining my disordered eating, I adopted a more-or-less bulimic lifestyle. I was a vegetarian by this point, and I didn’t so much binge by definition, but I would make myself vomit if I thought I’d eaten “too much” (which at the time was probably a normal or even small sized SAD meal) or a “bad food.” When I went to college I became a mostly raw vegan and things got worse. In those days I would only let myself eat up to 400-600 calories per day, and if I ate more than 200 calories at a “meal” I would feel so guilty and sick with myself that I would throw up. It was not uncommon for me to eat only half an apple a day, and I was drinking a lot of diet, super caffeinated soda. Now, we all know that that is not a lot for the body to live on, so this is when I would have my “regular binge night” where I would eat a regular sized amount of raw vegan food and then throw it up right away. Around my second year of college I started feeling a lot more social pressure to eat “normally” (read: SAD) and I would give in here and there because I didn’t want to feel like people were staring at me all the time. Inception of the binge/purge cycle: I started having massive binges of whatever I could get a hold of when I was out with my friends and, subsequently, having massive purge sessions afterwards. This practice grew so out of control that I was purging everything, even “good” foods. I quickly gained roundabouts of 40 pounds, bringing me up to near 120lbs and I was purging upwards of 18 times each day. I thought it was a good day when I didn’t taste blood in my throat. This went on for about a year before my best friend made me get help. It was the best thing I could have done. I had made a lot of progress in the last 2 years. I’d been eating a low fat raw vegan diet based on greens and veggies and I’d gotten my purging down to maybe 2-3 times a week and for about 6 months it was only 2-3 times a month. I thought that commitment to RAW was what I was missing! I thought was great except for the fact that I knew I was still very much under-eating, so in order to compensate for that I’d break off her and there and have regular SAD foods which would lead to extreme guilt and purging or depression. I’d been learning to deal with that but I was still not getting enough calories and my body was dying. Here comes part 2. About 5 months ago I had pretty much given up hope on ever eating normally or living a healthy life ever again. And then it happened: 4 months ago a man broke into my little apartment and raped me. After I got back from the hospital my eating disorder raged. I lost 15 pounds in a little over a week and then gained about 20 the next two weeks form binging and purging. I was at the end of my rope, no, I was so far beyond the end that I couldn’t even see the end anymore. But I have had some great friends who have helped me to make progress through all of this and that is where fruit comes in.
How did you find lfrv as a possible solution?
During these last 4 months a friend of mine suggested I read 80-10-10 and I found 30BaD and this thread along with Melissa Jackson’s story for recovering anorexics and bulimics.
Have you transitioned to lfrv or are you still working on it (if so, for how long)?
I am transitioning still to incorporate more fruits to get enough calories in so I won’t feel the need to B/P.
What did you try before lfrv?
I tried everything you can think of!
What is your current goal for food intake?
My goal is to get at least 1200 calories from fruit ever day.
What are you hoping to get from lfrv?
Freedom from my obsession of restriction or punishment for eating “too much”
What is easiest / most enjoyable about being lfrv?
Everything tastes SO GOOD and it feels light in my stomach so I don’t feel the need to purge.
What is the most challenging?
Gaining weight. I have been doing HIGH CARB (fruit!) lfrv for a week and a half and have already gained 8 pounds. But I know that my body I healing from a LOT of abuses and with the love and support from friends and my wonderful counselor I know that I will live a new day without eating disorders or shame.
Any support and help will be welcomed with gratitude. Thank you all again!